How to recognize the warning signs? Destructive relationship

After much deliberation, I decided to share my story on an online forum. It’s anonymous, after all. I just ended a four-year relationship, with the last three years full of turmoil, walking on eggshells, and destructiveness. I’m looking for some perspective—what exactly happened? How did I end up here? I’m now 31, and when I was 27, I had already been dating for a few years. I consider myself a fairly conservative and stable guy, eager for a secure, stable relationship with a girlfriend I can rely on who can also loves me.

When I was 27, I wanted a stable, calm partner, and I thought I found that. I met an introverted, attractive girl who was inexperienced with men. Within weeks, we were dating and got close. I noticed she was quite inexperienced, not particularly affectionate or physically close. On the other hand, she seemed sweet and vulnerable, occasionally crying and seeking my protection with almost desperate hugs. The first year (as I remember it) went well. Nothing strange really happened; we did fun activities, spent a lot of time together at her place, and things were good.

Some things I would have liked to know in the first year included her family background. Somewhere in the summer after the first year, cracks started to appear. She had lied about her family history. Her father had a 40-year history of explosive conflicts with family and work, and he had been on social welfare for years. It also turned out she had debts she hadn’t disclosed.

Things went wrong somewhere around there. The patterns became increasingly destructive. I started walking on eggshells. Gradually, I discovered she had a very problematic attachment style and even narcissistic tendencies:

- She reacted dismissively to affection and never initiated intimacy, let alone sex.
- She had an unhealthy relationship with her father. Her father was a major cause of instability in her life. In arguments, she always took his side, even at my expense.
- Responsibility was not in her vocabulary.
- Agreements to do things together (cook meals, save money, do groceries) were rarely, if ever, followed through on.
- She showed little or no empathy for another person’s perspective. For her, the world was black and white.
- There was a lot of emotion and tears when she messed things up (work conflicts, self-sabotage, issues with me).
- She admitted once that the only person she truly loved was her father.
- She struggled with commitment and making future plans, and she had fears around having children.
- She had moments of intense, irrational fear (fear of intruders, fear of illness, fear of children, fear of responsibility, fear of social activities).
- She showed paranoia: checking my phone, asking if I would be better off with someone else.
- She displayed intense, often irrational anger—anger instead of calmly addressing what she didn’t like.
- As the relationship progressed: more and more subtle or overt manipulation. "You’re not a good boyfriend if you don’t do this or that" (often regarding money).
- Shallow relationships with girlfriends. She had difficulty expressing her emotions.
- Jealousy of other people who clearly had more successful lives.
- At the same time: an interest in intense psychological shows. She was interested in psychology, often in sad or dark topics.
- Frequent moments of intense vulnerability. Fear of failure, fear of love, fear of intimacy. Occasionally, through tears, admitting she struggled with love and tenderness. In hindsight, these were very intense moments.
- I only noticed very limited signs of abandonment anxiety.

In the end, the relationship ended sadly. I had been talking to someone on an internet forum, and she considered that a form of cheating. She was intensely angry and upset, called her father, and went to stay with him. After weeks of increasing distance and no attempts at reconciliation, we finally spoke again. But she didn’t dare end things herself. She wasn’t willing to look inward, closed herself off from me, and essentially waited for me to break it off. In the end, I made the decision to end it.

I have a few questions on how to interpret these behavioral patterns and to heal from this:

1. What mistakes did I make that allowed things to escalate like this?
2. What psychological labels from the DSM might apply here? I see signs of narcissism, attachment issues, and Borderline. Can these overlap?
3. Why do I still have such strong feelings for her, even though she was so much more damaging and destructive than other women I’ve met? Could this be because of those vulnerable moments that keep playing in my mind? The tearful outbursts and intense moments are still vivid in my head.
4. Will things work out at 31? I’m cautiously dating women again, but I notice that it’s still very sensitive. I’m terrified of ending up with someone like her again.

raviolifield wrote:I have a few questions on how to interpret these behavioral patterns and to heal from this:

1. What mistakes did I make that allowed things to escalate like this?

In my opinion, the mistake is that you kept allowing things to escalate. And nobody can blame you. This is how things escalate, after all. Something minor happen, we forgive, something bigger happen, we forgive... and things become bigger and bigger very slowly until one day we realize there is an elephant in the room. Life happens. We love, we sacrifice our boundaries because of love, and one day we realize the boundaries have been crossed way too far. And it's time to move on as soon as we realize the boundaries are crossed.

raviolifield wrote:2. What psychological labels from the DSM might apply here? I see signs of narcissism, attachment issues, and Borderline. Can these overlap?

Borderline is an attachment issue (disorganized attachment style). All of the above can overlap. Why do you want to diagnose this person? Your healing should not be dependent on diagnosing your ex partner. Your healing should depend only on yourself. Moreover, it is not possible to diagnose someone based on what another person noticed in their behavior. Let alone through a forum post. Yes, this person seemed to have issues of their own. Their issues. Not yours. Theirs to fix. Not yours. Your job is to decide if you stay or go, your job is to manage your own issues. Their job is to manage their issues. To each their own. You are not supposed to be your partner's therapist. Trust me, it never ends well. 20+ years of being my partners' therapist, atop of 20+ years of being my parents' therapist, it never works. You cannot fix somebody's life when the only one who can fix their life is themselves.

raviolifield wrote:3. Why do I still have such strong feelings for her, even though she was so much more damaging and destructive than other women I’ve met? Could this be because of those vulnerable moments that keep playing in my mind? The tearful outbursts and intense moments are still vivid in my head.

Feelings have a different logic than the mind. The situations where we get the most attached to someone are the situations in which the good and bad are never predictable. Moreover, some people get hooked on the adrenaline etc. from the emotional rollercoasters. Allow yourself time to settle. Allow yourself to feel the feels in a nonjudgemental way instead of trying to logic them out. Feelings are meant to be felt until they are all felt through and gone. And yes, it takes time. It's been months since my last breakup and I still have feelings. And it's okay. I need more time to feel all the feels, that's all.

raviolifield wrote:4. Will things work out at 31? I’m cautiously dating women again, but I notice that it’s still very sensitive. I’m terrified of ending up with someone like her again.

Allow yourself time to heal and time to be yourself outside of a relationship. If you hop into a relationship for fear of being alone, you'll risk ending up in situationships over and over again. I speak from experience. I have done this for more than 20 years and it never worked out. Try to focus on what kind of partner you want to fall in love with, instead of focusing on being someone people will fall in love with.

Something that helped me heal from my own rough last breakup was a self-help exercise book I purchased online. I'll let the admins tell me if it's okay to share the link (since it's a purchase link). Though I guess that you can also browse the Web and see if you find something to your linking /suitable for your own needs.

Elvenstar wrote:I'll let the admins tell me if it's okay to share the link (since it's a purchase link)

Well, you can always mention the name of the self-help book...

Snaga wrote:

Elvenstar wrote:I'll let the admins tell me if it's okay to share the link (since it's a purchase link)

Well, you can always mention the name of the self-help book...

It is "Post-Break up Self-Care Workbook" electronic purchase from "Self-Love Rainbow".