Any tips on how to deal with this?

Please pardon the vagueness in the title, I'm just not sure how to describe it.

I'm honestly not even sure entirely what I am experiencing... I'm a sex addict, I think? I don't even know if I want it or if it's a trigger or what honestly. It starts off as just a thought, and gradually continues more and more thoughts about it until I get aroused or it starts becoming a craving. I crave doing things, with people, to porn, anything, it doesn't even matter. I don't think I want it because of the feelings of shame, regret, guilt, self hatred, anger, and all sorts of other negative feelings I feel after. But at the same time, I somewhat enjoy doing it? I get something from doing it with other people, the same people, different, as many as possible I don't know or care but the craving to do it as much as possible is overwhelming. I don't even know what I get from it or how it makes me feel, negative or positive or what. I assume negative because the temptation to do it is high right now and all I want to do is curl up into a ball in the corner and cry until the desire goes away? But at the same time, some part of me wants to do it.

I'm currently in a relationship, if I wasn't I probably would give in. It's a long term, long distance relationship. I gave in before but after talking it through with my partner a month ago or so I've managed to not do anything with anyone else, and while I've had a few slip ups with porn I've managed to stop that as well. Not by much, mind you... I'm BARELY able to hold on. I don't even know why it's so hard to just simply not. I just don't understand why. What is it that I get? I don't know whether I should break up with my partner to not have to hold it back and just do it and not feel that way until I can get over it or if I should stay with them, be honest about my struggles and pray that I don't do it again and probably stay with them until marriage and beyond (hopefully) because if I ask to break up with them I don't see them and I getting back together just due to the reason.

I can't make heads or tails of my desire, why I want it, what it gives me, I want to work with my partner on it and instead seek it from them but I don't even know what to ask for. It's some of almost everything and yet never everything of anything. Maybe it's the desire for validation or praise? Maybe it's the desire to feel attractive? Maybe it's just habit and stuff? I don't know and I have no idea how to figure it out. I've got a therapist and I'm kind of just hoping other sex addicts (if that's even what's going on with me) can help me understand what's going on. I'm trying not to make any rash decisions based on impulsive decisions like breaking up with them and doing $#%^ and trying to figure it out, I'm pretty sure that without their support and help that probably won't go well... I'm not sure of anything anymore and I've written quite a bit so I'm going to end it here hoping someone sees this within the next... reasonable amount of time... and knows something. Thank you for reading this far.

It sounds like you're grappling with some complex emotions and behaviors related to sex addiction. The feelings of confusion, shame, and guilt you're experiencing are common among individuals struggling with addiction. It's essential to recognize that addiction is a medical condition that requires professional help and support to address effectively.

Seeking therapy from a licensed therapist or counselor who specializes in sex addiction can provide you with the tools and strategies to understand and manage your cravings and behaviors. They can help you explore the underlying reasons behind your addiction, such as past trauma or emotional issues, and develop healthier coping mechanisms.

In terms of your relationship, honesty and open communication are crucial. It's commendable that you've been honest with your partner about your struggles thus far. Continuing to communicate openly about your challenges and seeking support together can strengthen your relationship and help you both navigate this difficult time.

As for the question of whether to break up with your partner, it's essential to prioritize your own well-being and recovery. Breaking up solely to indulge in addictive behaviors without addressing the root cause of your addiction is unlikely to bring lasting fulfillment or happiness. Instead, focus on seeking help and support to overcome your addiction and improve your overall quality of life.

Remember that recovery is a journey, and it's okay to seek help and support along the way. You're not alone in this struggle, and there are resources and communities available to support you, including therapy, support groups, and online forums. Take it one day at a time and be kind to yourself as you work towards healing and recovery.