So I've recently ended a long relationship with my boyfriend and am still struggling with whether my decision was right and why my partner and I got here in the first place.
Our relationship had a pretty rocky start. We were colleagues and although we liked each other and had started to get to know each other and spend a lot of time talking on different subjects, I couldn't enter the relationship because I had previously been in a verbally abusive and thus very difficult one. He was deeply saddened, truth is I wasn't able to properly explain the reason (because I didn't know the cause myself at first) and he said he didn't want to keep talking as friends. He moved to a different city.
After about 8 months of no contact we were once again in the same city, I reached to him and told him that I'd still like to try and that I had had a brief relationship in the meantime. I wanted to be honest about that brief relationship, but it naturally made him insecure, caused him a great deal of anxiety because he had suffered a lot when I turned him down the first time and was afraid I wasn't serious. From this many conversations and fights arose, I repeatedly tried to soothe his anxiety and tell him that I was there to stay, but he continued to blame me for having another relationship in the meantime and we fought about it a lot. It was hard because he didn't just express anxiety, he blamed me a lot and at one point I started to get angry. I explained my reasons (didn't think he still wanted to try a relationship, he lived in another city) but it still took about 8 months for his insecurity to fade. From this anxiety of his other issues arose, he was jealous and on some occasions would tell me that I do certain things to attract the attention of other men, which was again upsetting after being repeated many times. I must confess that the fights were pretty bad, I would cry and raise my voice a lot, because his insecurity very much triggered mine and my fear of abandonment (I have this cognitive schema and this is how I react to it, I get upset, angry even, cry and raise my voice). I felt like he might not get over his insecurity and leave and he didn't tell me otherwise, because he didn't know himself.
I had started therapy with a licensed psychologist a year before entering the relationship and after the fights began I started working on this issues and my reaction to it. I continued therapy throughout the relationship and tried to tackle the issues as the appeared.
Anyway, his insecurity faded but at this point I was feeling a little insecure and some of the fights went on. And then, about one year in the relationship, he started criticizing me on different matters and this lasted until the very end. First it was random general knowledge information I didn't know, certain pop culture concepts, scientific concepts and calling me ignorant a few times for not knowing them. Then followed criticism on us having different upbringings (I received a more formal education, was more into school, he mostly learnt stuff from the internet and books - but mostly the internet), on me talking about work too much (we both have pretty stressful jobs, in the law field, but he doesn't like his too much).
He started criticizing the way I did little things around the house, the fact that I forgot the titles of movies, the fact that we would go on hikes and I was afraid of some insects and wild animals (I would still go), the fact that I would focus too much on work and talk about it too much (I changed that). We would even fight on vacations because he criticized me on things like being a little afraid of taking walks at 1-2 in the morning, on dark streets, the way I talked in restaurants and shops, when I ordered food, small mistakes I made when I spoke with foreign people in English, the fact that I forgot this or that information or thing he told me about, the fact that I didn't like seafood (although I did try and I did enjoy some types), the way I would cut fruit and others. I started to feel insecure and inadequate in many occasions and he noticed that but it just made him more mad many times.
We talked about this issue many times and although he expressed remorse, it would get better for a short period of time and then he would do it again when he was more stressed or tired or.. just about anytime. I worked on this in therapy, tried to respond to criticism in a more constructive way and tried to teach him healthier ways of expressing dissatisfaction and frustration, but he was very reluctant to try anything. He kept saying that he couldn't be forced to not be honest and I was too sensitive.
For a while it got better, I got a better handle on how I reacted, I managed to remain calm even when he was being critical. I managed to control my anxiety better, I would try to remain calm or take a pause to calm down. This helped him too, he would apologize and try to talk to me differently but after a short while he would criticize me again. He sometimes said that our fights in the beginning of the relationship made him act so critical towards me.
After a while the criticism got worse again. He was frustrated with me being too silent around his friends (although this happened maybe a few times), around his family, not knowing this and that information and finally, not having enough hobbies and interests, "intellectual passions", not being able to start interesting conversations with him or tell him about interesting things. He has this view on life that interests and hobbies are what makes it worthwhile and work is something we have to do, but he resents it and is planning to become financially independent one day. I agree with him for the most part but I have received a more formal education and haven't focused that much on hobbies, it's true. It's something I've been struggling with because my childhood was filled with rules and high expectations from my parents and have been working on trying different activities. And he started to express doubt about whether we're a good match because of this, more and more often. However, he was willing to work on it - if I worked on finding more hobbies and interests.
I tried to be more engaging, I would send him articles on current events, science (he's into that) or psychology and music videos (this was a common interest at the start of our relationship) for us to talk about, but he rarely watched them.
I tried exploring more activities, I started taking guitar classes again, I like singing, I go to the gym, I read (although it's true that it's not the same genre as him and I didn't finish every book). We would watch movies and documentaries together (it's true I often forgot the titles but I did remember them after talking about them), we tried playing some video games but he got frustrated with how slow I was, we would go on hikes (this was an interest of his I embraced). He didn't want to try some of the things I suggested, like going to the gym together.
And the more critical he became, the harder it was for me to feel safe and try things my own way. I started to feel that I have to rise to his standards and find "cool" hobbies or interests that he will like as well.
He also felt that I didn't understand his sense of humor and he would tell me that often. It's true that he has a darker sense of humor that maybe I didn't always embrace, but the jokes I didn't enjoy were about our relationship, my insecurities and what he felt was missing - jokes that were meant to suggest something real, which I found hurtful many times (such as "talking about work again.." or "yeah, 2+2 is hard").
In the end, I felt I couldn't take it anymore, I was feeling more and more insecure, I had even developed an obsession with one of his female coworkers that he had complimented a few times. He wanted to try some more, said he intended to stop criticizing me but I just didn't believe it and didn't see how it would be possible. I felt like we had had many conversations about that before and he said he would try but it was all in vain. And so I left. He pleaded for me to come back, said he would like to try some more, he would even go to couples' therapy, but he continued to believe that I didn't have enough hobbies, we didn't have enough common hobbies and while his criticism was not okay, it was caused by his doubts and insecurities about our relationship (which have miraculously faded in the meantime), not by any issues he might have.
To my mind, he doesn't understand how harmful his criticism is and how people can't grow in such a stressful environment.
In case it makes things clearer, he used to criticize his ex girlfriend for not being able to lose weight and she would get upset too, although he claimed to say it in a nice way. And he is a bit judgmental of other people too, isn't too open about meeting different people and sometimes calls people who just go to work and don't have many interesting hobbies "normies". So I guess my questions are, is it normal to not be able to grow and have hobbies and interests in such a context? Were his expectations legitimate or somewhat unrealistic? Could I have done more to save the relationship? I feel broken and guilty, especially since he still holds this view that we just didn't have enough hobbies and I am not curious enough. Thank you.
Otter Space Man
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