What do you think is going on here?

I'm 35(f) and my partner is 35(m). We've been together for 4.5 years and have lived together for most of that time. In the beginning I thought we were just a fwb situation as all we really did was meet up for drinks and have sex. It obviously evolved since then and we even exchanged rings last year- kind of like commitment or engagement rings I guess. He loves his and wears it all the time. Problem is, after like the first year, our sex life began to slow down and is now stopped. I've tried to talking to him about it but he just shuts down and stonewalls . I let him know I don't want to be in a sexless relationship but he doesn't seem to care. I want to be with him but if he doesn't want me then I need to move. I want a family and a home someday and it's clear that's not going to happen if nothing changes here. I've thought about moving out but financially it doesn't make sense for either of us. We would both need time to get things in order before we could live alone. Recently I said to him that as we have been living as roommates, we should just start using the lable and see what's out there. He was obviously upset and said he does not want a roommate and if that's what I want I should leave. I'm puzzled because we have been living like roommates for a long time. We sleep in separate rooms, I can't remember the last time we spent the night together, we don't have date or anything like that and don't really share any sort of intimacy. I'm lonely and I've told him so. I don't understand him. He could choose to be in a relationship with me or to open things up so we can both get out needs met while saving up to move out. What do you think is going on with him? I should mention that he has a history of childhood trauma, anxiety and depression. He also smokes marijuna and drinks alot.

Hello, and welcome to the forums!

Lucy101 wrote:I should mention that he has a history of childhood trauma, anxiety and depression. He also smokes marijuna and drinks alot.

Anxiety. Depression. Booze. That's three erection-killers right there. Not to mention depression and lack of want-to.

What I don't understand is sleeping separately- unless he's feeling as if he'll be pressured into sex.

Off the top of my head as a depressed and anxious male, he could be unable to perform and wanting to avoid that from coming up- well, not coming up I suppose.. and the anxiety/depression could simply be taking the desire away, quite independent of ability.

You might have to pressure him to get into some therapy or something. I mean, couples slow down- sometimes a lot (I know!) but this seems to be flagging before it's even properly started. He might need a little ultimatum that y'all get this worked out (with professional help if necessary) or you are a roommate. That seems pretty dire but if he walls up then something has to chip through it, yes?