Only feeling love after break ups...

After this last break up, I realized that part of me enjoyed the pain that I felt. Part of me wanted it, and to a certain degree, tried to keep it.

You see, a break up is one of the only times in my life that I feel real emotions. And when I'm missing a girl, it's the only time I truly feel the desire for love and the capacity to love, and the only time I long for a loving, caring, intimate, relationship. Also, longing for an ex-girlfrind is the only time that I have healthy sexual fantasies.

I'm starting to really get over my ex-girlfriend now. Like really get over her. And on the one hand, it's great that I don't have to feel this irrational and undeserved pain, anguish, and anger. But on the other hand, as I lose my desire for her, so too do I lose the feeling of loving someone.

I don't want to be drawn only to sex and appearences. I don't want to feel indifferent when in relationships. I want to fall madly in love with a girl who is my entire world. And I want to share my feelings and my life with someone that I give myself too and who gives themselves to me. I want to truly cherrish someone.

But I fear I may only be capable of feeling those feelings after my loved one is gone...

Do you ever find yourself sabotaging your life, just to remain unhappy?