Only feeling love after break ups...

After this last break up, I realized that part of me enjoyed the pain that I felt. Part of me wanted it, and to a certain degree, tried to keep it.

You see, a break up is one of the only times in my life that I feel real emotions. And when I'm missing a girl, it's the only time I truly feel the desire for love and the capacity to love, and the only time I long for a loving, caring, intimate, relationship. Also, longing for an ex-girlfrind is the only time that I have healthy sexual fantasies.

I'm starting to really get over my ex-girlfriend now. Like really get over her. And on the one hand, it's great that I don't have to feel this irrational and undeserved pain, anguish, and anger. But on the other hand, as I lose my desire for her, so too do I lose the feeling of loving someone.

I don't want to be drawn only to sex and appearences. I don't want to feel indifferent when in relationships. I want to fall madly in love with a girl who is my entire world. And I want to share my feelings and my life with someone that I give myself too and who gives themselves to me. I want to truly cherrish someone.

But I fear I may only be capable of feeling those feelings after my loved one is gone...

I think I know what you mean. I only feel emotion when I picture this perfect relationship, and this I only can through desire and longing. I'm reluctant to wake up from this dream because I'm afraid reality could never live up to what's so beautiful and unspoken in my heart.