I do have a personal internal conflict which is killing me. I am unable to decide what to do. I request you to read through my story and give me your suggestions please.
I am an Indian woman and am 34 years old. I am gay ( I am sorry, if this is an inconvenience to you) I have a girl friend and she is 44 years old and she is also an Indian. We met 4 years ago in the USA and have been together since then. We don't stay together because of my work. We see each other during the weekends. Been this way from the beginning. ( I cannot move closer to her place as I am on a work Visa and its not easy to move around).
She is a great woman... and a really good mom to her two kids. She is loving and caring and she has been there for me from the beginning since I got here to USA.
The problem here is, except for the initial sparks, I don't think we are much compatible. And I always think that we got together because... its hard to find the Indian lesbian and this is my first relationship and she was looking for someone to settle down as she dated so many people already.
We never fight. Its just that void feeling inside me. We don't have much to talk about except stuff about kids or some family drama or some home decor or chores. There is no healthy funny intellectual conversations between us. And as I am unable to connect emotionally, our sexual life is also not happy. Its kind of hard to express this. Am sorry am trying to write
I have always been the emotionally strong person in the relationship and when I start expressing my insecurities, she expresses more of hers and mine are never addressed.
She feels insecure because I am on a work visa and might have to leave someday and she wants me to be with her and as she is 44, she wants to settle down in life.. get married and stuff ( which i don't think is wrong from her point of view). I am not ready for marriage. I did tell her that and she immediately started tearing up and got emotional.
As I feel lonely in my head all the time, I was just using the lesbian chat sites ( I know that's not correct when I do have a partner, but I felt so lonely inside my head. I always looked for someone to talk, nothing sexual). I met a girl whom i spoke to for about two weeks. She is from a different country.. but I could connect and share and laugh and I kind of started getting used to her. I told her I cannot talk anymore because I was scared I might develop feelings for her and stopped talking. She told me that she can understand and she feels the same.
So, the thing here is... I am scared to break my girl frd's heart. super really scared. She is too emotional and I would be hurting her and the kids and her whole family. They do accept me even when my whole family isn't talking to me anymore.
And am also scared to leave everything I know here and run to a different world for some girl whom I know for a month now maybe.
I am unable to decide what to do. I do love and respect my girl frd.. she is really good person. Its just that my mind is unhappy...I feel like she my sister and not a lover. I love her but I was never in love with her.
I also feel guilty of wasting her time. all the 4 years she invested in me. and makes me sick to my stomach. I just wanna stick with her and make her happy maybe. I don't know. I hope you could understand what I am trying to say. I really don't know what to do. I even sometimes think, if i just marry her, my other thoughts would go away and i would stick with her. I don't know anymore now.
My head is been hot about this from a couple of weeks now. I am sorry for my lengthy message.
I thank everyone for their time and support and suggestions.
#Stay_Safe.
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