trying to let go of an ex

so, im a guy and i have an ex that i have quite a storied past with, which i wont bore the readers with the gory details unless asked to or is strictly necessary to assist in allowing someone to get a better grasp on my situation. She and i split up about 6 years ago and when that happened, it was a very clean split. I tried convincing myself that i hated everything about her for several years and very rarely thought about her, and even when i did, i was able to separate myself from the thoughts. Well, i was on vacation in Romania with my current fiancee, standing in a hallway on a b&b in the middle of northern Transylvania and i get a message from her. Well, that was the start of a rekindling of feelings that i have never experienced in my life and i allowed myself to fall down that rabbit hole far enough to end my relationship with my current fiancee (we broke up for a year and are now back together). I am basically seeking help in removing my ex from my thoughts. During the time that i was chasing the pipe dream things were going very well with my ex and i. Well, one day, kinda out of the blue, she sent me a message saying that she and i can never be "just friends" and that the situation was getting emotionally dangerous for her. Her solution was to cut ties with me 100%, and thats exactly what she has done. Which i guess im fine with, but i have loose ends that i want to tie up. The hole that was created by those events haunts me every day. I think about her every day. I find it to be quite unhealthy and id like to be able to stop. Thanks in advance for any sage advice anyone has.

Hey,

I am not sure so can only throw in some thoughts.

It's this part that had me thinking no wonder...

RottingNeurons wrote:...Well, one day, kinda out of the blue, she sent me a message saying that she and i can never be "just friends" and that the situation was getting emotionally dangerous for her. Her solution was to cut ties with me 100%, and thats exactly what she has done. Which i guess im fine with, but i have loose ends that i want to tie up.

That's it, no closure, just a it's over? If so no wonder you are still struggling.

Hey Rotting,

I am leaning on the same direction as Xdude. Without closure its a bit harder to move on because you deal with all the questions in your own head. I see a few ways to move on....
1. Let time heal all wounds. Pain in the butt, but after a long time, the emotional attachment dissipates.
2. When you find someone else that you connect with, your feelings for that person will fade.
3. Realize that there is nothing you can do since its already been done and know that by ruminating, you are making yourself more sad. Think of reasons why it is good that its over and try to move on. That will create closure in itself and save a lot of emotional baggage in the long run.

xdude wrote:Hey,

I am not sure so can only throw in some thoughts.

It's this part that had me thinking no wonder...

RottingNeurons wrote:...Well, one day, kinda out of the blue, she sent me a message saying that she and i can never be "just friends" and that the situation was getting emotionally dangerous for her. Her solution was to cut ties with me 100%, and thats exactly what she has done. Which i guess im fine with, but i have loose ends that i want to tie up.

That's it, no closure, just a it's over? If so no wonder you are still struggling.

thats the thing. It was just ::POOF:: gone. I even temporarily destroyed a relationship so that i could still talk to this woman. Its just a friggin knife in the ribs that is constantly being twisted and the person twisting it seems to be smiling when they do it

Aries411 wrote:Hey Rotting,

I am leaning on the same direction as Xdude. Without closure its a bit harder to move on because you deal with all the questions in your own head. I see a few ways to move on....
1. Let time heal all wounds. Pain in the butt, but after a long time, the emotional attachment dissipates.
2. When you find someone else that you connect with, your feelings for that person will fade.
3. Realize that there is nothing you can do since its already been done and know that by ruminating, you are making yourself more sad. Think of reasons why it is good that its over and try to move on. That will create closure in itself and save a lot of emotional baggage in the long run.

Thanks Aries!

So, youve hit the nail on the head. I had let time pass originally, and even hated her for a few years, if i ever even thought about her, which wasnt often. I then went thru some drug recovery stuff (AA, 3 treatment centers (outpatient), self analyzing and so forth and decided that holding on to the hate isnt worth my time and energy. I dont really buy into the addiction recovery stuff, more just self management and control. Anyways, i was mentally and emotionally in the clear for quite a while before that fateful message came in while i was on vacation.

The part im having the most trouble with is the recurring memories of the interactions we had during that period. The conversations that consisted of mainly texting and some talking on the phone was just that , digital communication. It did start while i wasnt single, but i can say with a clean conscious that nothing was ever spoken that was what i would call jeopardizing to my relationship i was in at the time. Once i became single again, things progressed. Which is when she pulled out. When i wasnt single, i guess she felt safe. It almost feels like she was playing a game with all this. How far could she pull me away from my reality to walk in the clouds with her.

There is so much i could spill out here, but i dont want to pour gallons out here

RottingNeurons wrote:There is so much i could spill out here, but i dont want to pour gallons out here

You can pour out all the gallons you want, but no closure man, anyone would take that as you have.

It's also a common thread in SOF&F, I don't understand how my ex or someone could turn on me so quickly. The only hard question is did you get some hints it was coming, but it seems in your case you didn't even get that. No wonder it's still on your mind.

RottingNeurons wrote:The part im having the most trouble with is the recurring memories of the interactions we had during that period.

Something we have no control over is the thoughts that enter our mind. Some are pleasant, some remind us of horrible times and some should never be mentioned again. The thing with these thoughts is that they only have power over us, if we let them. I can't remember the saying but it was like "Don't let the useless stuff take up space in our mind". The more we focus and think about it, the more power and control we give it. I image thoughts (especially ones I don't like) like the wind. I notice it, acknowledge it and let it pass by. If that doesn't, I meditate to calm myself.

There are many techniques to stop these thoughts from affecting you, but you just have to choose what works best for you. I use mindfulness.

Yes, I think your ex was playing some game. Try to forget her, and concentrate on your fiancee, who you are fortunate to have a second chance with. This is my mantra: She is not in my head. There are just memories, and thoughts based on these. Time will dim the emotions.
Good luck!