Am I lonely or is this mental illness?

Around 6-8 years ago I was a teenager and I was on holiday. I was at one of the main tourist attractions of the city I was in and I saw a woman giving out flyers and she was the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. Whenever I think of a beautiful woman she is what comes to mind.

I even tried finding her on Facebook and thankfully never found her (she gave us her name). I don't know whats wrong with me and I find it pathetic that after all these years I still remember her despite the most I interacted with her was a quick chat and her giving me a flyer. It doesn't affect my life to the point were I can't have a relationship though, on the few occasions I have gotten to know other women (but not be in a full on relationship) I completely forget about her. Then when I stop talking to them she appears in my mind again.

I just hate how I cant forget about her. I also visited the same city again recently (it was a fun trip with friends it had nothing to do with her) and I got curious and looked up videos on YouTube of the year I went the first time and the tourist attraction we were at and I found her in one of the videos. I definitely recognised her despite the low quality of mobile phone cameras back then. It has made me feel sad about how fast time flies and how I am still thinking about this woman and I'm still single and how shes most likely married with kids.

I feel like such a pathetic man. I keep telling myself that she is most likely married with kids by now and I will never see her again and she doesn't even know I exist and I will find the right person. I am hoping when I do find the right person she will be wiped from my memory forever. I don't know if I have a mental problem or if it is just loneliness.

Hey JJ1243,

Just some thoughts from another guy ...

You might also just be a romantic. It's not the easiest thing to be, but it depends on how you look at it. There is a word though for becoming obsessed with one person, 'limerance', which might be something worth looking up to help clear your head and heart. The danger there is attributing to traits to someone else that don't exist, except in the romantic's mind.

Some of the greatest people in life arguably are obsessive about someone or something (e.g., music, math, physics, a relationship even), so being passionate is not something I'd suggest giving up lightly either.

If you are a romantic then you are, a potentially good trait, just give that depth of emotion to someone who feels the same for you.

xdude wrote:Hey JJ1243,

There is a word though for becoming obsessed with one person, 'limerance', which might be something worth looking up to help clear your head and heart.

I never thought that limerance could happen by meeting someone for less than a minute. I thought it was obsessing over someone who you actually know and know their personality etc.

The danger there is attributing to traits to someone else that don't exist, except in the romantic's mind.

In my case she might as well not exist, she might as well just be how I imagine a pretty woman to look. I will never see her again. Do you think I use her as an image of a beautiful woman because of my loneliness?, and when I hopefully do find a life long partner I will wipe her from my memory permanently.

I kinda know how you feel. I once got talking to a girl in a night club and danced with her for a few minutes. Looking back we had a great instant connection. But I was young, very shy and naive back then and didn't get her number and couldn't remember her name because it was an unusual one. Years later I tried searching Facebook for various spellings of what I thought her name was but had no luck. All I have is a photo a friend took which I'm still tagged in.

Anyway I'd just class it as a regret. Wondering what my life could be like if I was brave enough to ask her number, went on a date, etc etc. But I've moved on and I'm married with kids now. I'm sure she is too. But even in marriage people can be lonely if the circumstances aren't right. You will find someone eventually. But definitely investigate your feelings further

Don't know for sure, but once you find someone, I suspect she will be gone from your mind. She is a placeholder.

Duskcloud wrote: But I've moved on and I'm married with kids now. I'm sure she is too. But even in marriage people can be lonely if the circumstances aren't right. You will find someone eventually. But definitely investigate your feelings further

See I’m hoping that’s my cure, be in a happy relationship. I feel like due to me being single I have imaginary thoughts of a girlfriend and I use her face due to how pretty she is and that she’ll be gone once I get married and have kids and I’m busy with life.


I forgot to mention I’m a student who works part time so I do have a lot of free time in my hands so maybe that contributes to it.

-- Fri Aug 23, 2019 7:45 am --

xdude wrote:Don't know for sure, but once you find someone, I suspect she will be gone from your mind. She is a placeholder.

Thank you. I thought I was crazy still thinking about this woman. Hopefully a full time job after college and a relationship will do the trick.

College can be kind of strange especially if attending a party school. Yea, once you are working full time I suspect your outlook will change as will others around you. It is normal I think to go through questioning when/if relationships during the college years. A lot of people are very hard on themselves during those years.

xdude wrote:College can be kind of strange especially if attending a party school. Yea, once you are working full time I suspect your outlook will change as will others around you. It is normal I think to go through questioning when/if relationships during the college years. A lot of people are very hard on themselves during those years.

What do you think I should do about the video I found? Should I just try forget about it or watch it every once in a while? I’ve watched it twice and since I posted this thread I’ve not watched it because I thought maybe it’s unhealthy to keep watching it.

JJ1243 wrote:I’ve watched it twice and since I posted this thread I’ve not watched it because I thought maybe it’s unhealthy to keep watching it

You are right. The more you entertain these thoughts the more these feelings linger on.

I don't know if you agree with this, but I find it very true..

Don't work on finding the perfect woman. Work to create the perfect love.

There were many girls that I found very attractive and I wished I was dating them, but when I was in a relationship (with not the most attractive girl), I felt that they were the most beautiful girl in the world because I cared for her and she cared for me. Looks are not everything (even thought thats a little cliche)

Agree that if a piece of content, media, etc., is leaving you feeling worse off, I think it's wiser to avoid it if you can. It's smart to make choices that make you happy, or at least avoid those that don't.