Love isn't everything?

I've been second guessing whether I should come here with this issue, but I would really like some outside perspective on the whole situation. For those who have read my posts over the last couple months, you might know I've been having some stuff going on with an ex-girlfriend of mine. Basically to sum it up...

I'm 22 and she's 18. I met her in high school, we both had a crush on eachother. Got back in contact with her last summer and we dated for almost three months. My first and only relationship. No "I love yous" over that time, but it went well, until some $#%^ came out on both of our behalfs and we had a very emotional but mutual break up. Over the next year, I couldn't get her out of my head. Saw her get in a couple more bad relationships. Finally this summer she broke up with her fiance essentially to get back with me. From here we started hanging out again.

Now here's where it gets kind of messy. At this point, I was telling her I couldn't imagine being with anybody else, but wanted to give her time to be ready. I told her I thought there was something special between us, a stronger bond than before. We were "officially" back together as of August 4th, and that day I told her I love her. I told her I wanted to do this right and make things work. I got her to give her heart to me and go all in emotionally, so much that she even cried after the first time we had sex again, which scared me.

Here's the issue. I meant and felt every word of everything I said to her at the start, up until the "I love you". I've realized I actually meant that too, but only partially (I'll explain in a minute). When I said I love you, that's when I started second guessing the whole thing, because part of me was wanting to say no and run away from it. What I've realized over the last 10 days is that I only love one side of her. The girl she is when it's just her and I together, when we take a drive up to the mountains or go somewhere together, THAT'S the girl I fell in love with, and want to be with. When it's just her and me, she's really special, and we have a special bond, and it's love. She treats me great, I treat her great, we get along almost perfect.

The problem is with who she is around any other people. She's hostile, she's irresponsible, she makes bad choices, she's irrational, she has an addictive personality, anxiety, ADHD, depression. She treats herself like $#%^ and doesn't take care of herself. She also has a ton of history. I'm talking sexual abuse, drugs, alcohol, three miscarriages, bad relationships, promiscuity, a broken family, the list goes on. And yes she's only 18. And these are things I feel like I can't handle. This is the side of her I can't see myself being with.

What makes it even harder though, is the side of her I fell in love with and am in love with is who I know she is at her core, underneath all those issues. That's the real her. She knows it too.

So as of last night, I broke up with her, and broke her heart in the process. Why? Because I believe that people can change, but you can't expect them to change. That's a fundamental rule that I believe in. Part of me would love to be the one to stand next to her, to have her back, and see her or even help her make changes in her life. But a bigger part of me is saying that's not right. I can't be responsible for changing somebody else. I can't expect them to change. If I can't accept her for who she is right now, then it's not going to work. And I can't accept her for who she is right now. And there's no balance. I can't always be the one picking her up. I don't mean to elevate myself, but I have almost no issues compared to her, and part of me feels like I deserve better.

But I feel really bad, because I know I'm a good influence on her. I know I make her life better. I know she loves me for who I am and all my quirks. And I know I ###$ with her emotions and kind of left her in the dust. I didn't do it harshly, but it's all the same in the end. I feel bad for not standing with her and making things right.

Should I feel bad? Am I right that that doesn't have the makings of a healthy relationship? Am I right that there's more to a relationship than just love, and that it can't be that unbalanced? Am I right that I can't expect her to change? Am I right to leave her in the dust like this, especially since it means she'll probably just make her life worse again? Are these big enough issues to leave a girl I love behind? Will I ever find another girl I love the same way and can be with, and who loves me back the way this girl loved me?

Am I doing the right thing? I need insight, and would really appreciate it from anybody.

Oh, please. Should I keep my eyes wide open when the sun burns them? Relationships are ment to bring people together. If you can't get anything good out of it then its not worth your time. Be a little bit more selfish, a bit more human. You can't be responsible for her problems, right? One can only do so much to help another.

So don't feel bad or guilty. Yeah, its ok to be sad, but thats not the end.
Live your life. Grief and cry, but keep moving forward and get back on the horse.

Just got off the phone with her. She's trying to make it out like this is all my fault. I'm not really sure. I do know she's changed some things in her life in the last few months. She had stopped drinking. But the hostility, the irresponsibility, the inability to take care of herself, all still there. She denies she has these problems, except the hostility which she's proud of. And surprise, after I broke up with her yesterday, she went and got high and drunk. Too much drama. Part of me thinks I am somewhat wrong about her here, and maybe I was looking for the bad and not seeing the good, and running away from the relationship. But part of me also knows I'm right that it wouldn't have worked anyway.

Thanks for the insight by the way Halfway.

I have to say that anyone with so many unresolved and denied issues should probably not make her main concern a romantic relationship. Until she learns to heal and love herself properly, she will not be able to fully love you or anyone else. I'm not saying that people with issues should not be in relationships - far from it. But if she denies that she has problems when those problems are affecting you (the person she claims to love), then she's sabotaging the relationship. Maybe losing you will make her realize that and encourage her to make some changes. Or if she is really unhealthy, losing you will make her fall further (getting high and drunk again after you broke up with her?) into her drama. Either way, you can't be responsible for her choices. She decides how to live her life and how to deal with things. All you can do is decide whether it is healthier for you to be together or apart and it's pretty obvious to me that you think you're healthier apart. So you've made the right decision.

If the two of you are open to it, maybe a new friendship can take the place of the relationship. There's certainly nothing wrong with letting her know you'd be there for her if she decides to get help. But you absolutely can't force someone to change who is not ready and you can't live your life in torment waiting on the chance that one day she will be ready. Some people never are.

Anyway, you're both at the age where you're not supposed to be settling down with any one person. These are the best years of your life for determining who you are and who you want to be and dating different types of people to find out what makes you happy. Don't drown in the drama - get out there and enjoy yourself!

I've actually just been through something similar recently. I fell in love with a friend who is wonderful and fun and smart when sober, but unfortunately not so often sober. An alcoholic in fact who is insulting and really vicious (verbally) when drinking. I had to accept that those are two parts of the same person and that I deserve much better than the alcoholic part and so would have to lose out on the sober part too. I had to end something that had barely begun and it sucked but I know that there are lots of people out there whose bad parts are not so destructive and whose total parts will be a much healthier match for me.

Well said, and thanks. It did help to read that.

I've still been second guessing the whole sitaution, but only because I did love her, so my heart doesn't want to give up. But I know in my mind I don't want to be with her. Also, I found out today that she's going to be moving back to Michigan--her home state where she grew up. Which sounds like a great idea to me, except that there's a guy out there she might be hooking up with, and it's not worth getting into here (it's a long story) but let's just say that part kind of worries me. But you're right, I can't be responsible for her choices, I can only wish her the best, which I have.