Having doubts about the relationship which make me restless.

Our relationship is of three and a half years and fir most of that time i just buried things that irritated me or upset me and even when i did tell him and showed him that i was angry i just swallowed all my emotions and went back to normal within a few minutes because even when i was mad at him i didn't want to annoy him with my tantrums. Now after all these years I'm feeling very overwhelmed lately. And i think that all my subdued feelings are creating resentment towards the man i love. And that is making me have doubts about my relationship and having doubts make me really anxious.

I tried opening up twice or thrice and i was not convinced with his reaction towards my feelings. Once he told me if you can't deal with this we can't be together because that's how I am and changed the topic ( he suddenly stops talking to me for days and keeps taking breaks and then comes back whenever he wants and expects me to be completely normal as if he never stopped talking to me again and i understand he needs his space but i feel really abandoned )

So now I've started to tell myself everyday to stop expecting and start accepting.

We really love each other and I really see a future. But all these things are really making me restless . I cry for no reason at all randomly . I don't know how to let go of my feelings.

Jemma wrote:So now I've started to tell myself everyday to stop expecting and start accepting.

Hello, I think it can not work only one-sided. I am afraid you are going to feel overwhelmed all the time. I can not understand why does he refuse to do something to help the situation. It is so that he is equally responsible as an adult person.

Dahlia

Jemma,

"Once he told me if you can't deal with this we can't be together because that's how I am and changed the topic"

This is invalidation of your feelings, period. This is a man who only wants what he wants, never mind what you would like or want in the relationship. And that's childish and immature for a grown man. OTH you accept and swallow that invalidation.

In some intimate relationships that don't acknowledge the emotional component, there often occurs some kind of dynamics that play into it. Some ppl seek partners who resemble the parent(s) who didn't give the validation they needed as children, and it happens they repeat the pattern over and over as adults. Have you considered individual counseling for yourself? Therapy can help you understand your family dynamics, your own triggers, and why you attract certain types of ppl into your life, therefore knowing how to avoid such ppl in your future.

Doesn't matter anymore. He broke up with me . Because I bring bad luck to his life and he's been able to achieve nothing since I've entered his life .

What a load of horseshit.
I'm glad he finally broke up with you and stopped wasting your time.
I can tell you right now, he will learn that he fudged up real soon and try to come back to you... Just be prepared to tell him to go f himself

Love is a luxury, not a necessity.
It's a two-way street; it's a give & take.

He does not respect your feelings, you don't need a man like that.

In his defense he suffers from anxiety disorder and has some problems getting through college because of that. And hence he dismisses any problem I have. To be honest I don't know how to feel about that. I feel bad because he dismisses my problems and emotions. But he doesn't because he believes my can't be bigger than his so I'm just making a big deal out if nothing. Every time I tell him something the conversation ends with me self loathing about how stupid and I am. At this point even I don't know if my problems are valid.

Jemma,

Maybe if you gave some examples it would help others to help you sort it out.

It's often not simple where the lines are drawn or should be. Here is what I mean...

I think it's okay for someone to say "I am too overwhelmed with my own problems at the moment to be of help with yours" although if that's the norm for a couple, and it's always a one sided exchange, it could be a sign of something deeper going on. For example, I am careful not to call others at work (or keep it short) because I know they are busy, probably stressed. Later generally works out. But even that is not entirely correct. If it's a once in a while matter, then it might be fine to interrupt a SO at work, while if it's daily, that's something else.

Again, some examples could help.

For example.

I get really anxious when he doesn't reply to me for a long time or doesn't pick my calls up. Recently since a friend of his is in town he has been going out with him everyday. Which is completely fine. Infact I love the fact that he's having a good time with his friend. The problem was he didn't text me anytime he went out. And he doesn't pick up my calls or texts me when he is with his friend. So those hours where he was out really made me restless because I didn't know where he was or what he was doing. Now don't get me wrong. I trust him. My anxiousness isn't because of the thought that he is probably cheating on me. I just get really worried. Honestly idk why I get so anxious.

So I addressed it to him. And he said ok he'll text me the next time he's going out saying that he's going out. But he didn't. And the same thing continued to happen. So when I met him the next time I brought it up. And he told me 'I forget' and if you get restless you should call. And I do call. But he never picks up. He explained to me that you know my friend is in town and if I'm out I'm going to be out with him only or my other close friends why do you have to be worried. In this exact words "It's such a stupid thing to get bothered by" and that is his reaction to most of the things I tell him about that worry me. And he continued to not text me before going out. Like I don't even exist at that moment. He told me that I'm in my own world at that time planning and stuff I don't even think about you.

It may be stupid. Heck I know its stupid. But I just can't stop thinking. I can't stop being restless. I don't know.

Hey Jemma,

I had many thoughts but wanted to shorten them a bit.

I don't have any strong beliefs on right or wrong, just what works, especially in a relationship.

I don't think you are alone in having concerns over a SO going dark for many hours while out with friends, but on a personal level I feel the opposite, go, enjoy, have fun, except there are still boundaries. Like if you show up at 9am the next day, that would cross a line. Come back at 12-1am, I would be fine, but... my point is not that these are absolutes, it's just what I am good with. You feel as you feel and that is okay.

I also don't txt or call my SOs while they are out with friends (or at work), my thinking being I used to get guilted to death for having any fun or having to focus on work, and don't want to pass that on, so my thinking is let them have a good time, unwind, or focus on their work, and hopefully they come back in a better mental place... again, that is not some absolute right or wrong, it's just how I think.

But I do have one concern for what you wrote -

There is this analogy about a bar of soap. It says the tighter you squeeze, the more the bar of soap tries to get away. I do understand why you are concerned, but also want to warn you, over constricting others can result in the exact opposite intention. There are lots of ways to squeeze people without necessarily consciously doing so.

I don't have a problem with him going out. I just get worried when I don't know where he is.

Let me ask you a question. Am I asking too much of him when I ask him to drop me text before he's going to go out?

I haven't stopped him from doing anything and I never will.