can anyone help me figure out what went wrong

in 2008 i was in a relationship with B and had been for about 1 yr or so it wasn't the best, anyway she went to college and made a friend and introduced me to her, she came to stay at our house lets call her T. me and T got very close and really opened up to each other (she was also in a bad relationship) over the months me and T continued to talk everyday and got closer the closest ive been to anyone, i started falling for her really bad but she consistently said she didn't like me in that way. i fell in love with her. a couple of times T told me she might feel something for me but the way my head was i shot her down and said she was just confusing feelings with friendship. anyway by 2010 both our relationships had ended and we got together. we were so happy and lived quite far apart, we had soo many dreams for the future, in 2011 i moved in with her and her parents and we saved for 1 year and bought our own house in 2012. there was always an intimacy problem i dunno if it was cos we were both shy we kissed a bit but i found it hard to start it. we have been together 8 yr now and maybe only had sex like 6 times or something but i wouldn't really call it sex 9/10 she would just do me. we have broke up a few times and i always say its cos we dont have sex. i dont know what we did wrong we were happy and i think in the beginning we should have been kissing and it would just lead to sex but it didn't happen, the odd time we did have it i would always have to ask for it which made me feel like she was just doing it cos i asked and she didn't really want it, and it made her feel i would only show her attention when i wanted sex. im wondering now if its too late to kinda start again ive always thought this is not a proper relationship, its like we are just friends. how can we have been so close in the beginning and now it doesn't feel like we are close. we have talked about it all and are trying to be more intimate but we both scared like if she wants to kiss me she thinks what if i dont want to be kissed and i reject her, and i think the same the other way round.
i want us to have the closeness we did years ago and to be intimate.
one thing that really bothers me is she will masturbate but refuse sex which makes me feel like crap she says masturbating is more of a task she has to do other than doing it cos she wants to.
we have spoke about it and every time she says she will try harder, i still dunno if we are both just shy or if its something else. also when we were just friends we used to talk about sex etc and what we had both done with other people etc. about 1 yr ago i found out she was a virgin and had never done anything with anyone and that really bugged me not cos she was virgin but cos she lied to me
can anyone relate to this situation, any help/advice is much appreciated, i just want us to be close, happy andintimate

Hi unbalancedlittleme,

Just some thoughts (these are personal opinions only, not facts, and I would recommend seeing a therapist if you want something more grounded in research)...

Not sure if it would help, but there are some good books and articles available if you search for them on 'attachment theory'.

Something to be learned from that theory is that it turns out many people do struggle with the ability to form attachments. Also, we may pick others who have difficulty or just cannot attach to others, so our attachment to them ends up being about trying to convert them to attach to us than about what they are really comfortable with. We may believe if we can do that, awake feelings of attachment in them, it would validate something within us that needs validation.

As for the sex aspect, similarly not everyone is comfortable with sex, and that's okay. If they aren't it's really up to them to decide if they wish to change that, and some people do not. If they do, it may require some professional help to figure out what the mental blocks are. Sometimes we mean well, but it's also hard to see that sometimes our well meant intentions is doing more harm than good. Time to accept, step aside, and stop pushing for what we want because it's not working for the other person.

thanks for replying i really appreciate your advice and i will look into all of it, its kinda hard cos we dont really talk much about feelings, and i do want us to work but at the same time its been 8yrs and im like is it really worth it to keep trying, i'm not happy but i think she is happy with how things are. i suppose communication is the key