Severe Relationship Issues, need Advice

Hi everyone, I want to apologize in advance for my bad English, but I'm not a native speaker. I'm 25 years old, female, I attempted suicide last April and I was diagnosed with Major Depression and chronic pain syndrome. To this day I'm not sure of the cause of my suicidality, I believe it was a mix of loneliness, pain, fear and despair. Now I'm on Cymbalta, which is really helpful both for mood and for pain relief. I've been in therapy (cognitive behavioural approach) since my suicide attempt and finally I'm starting to get myself together. However, my major problems arise in my intimate relationship (I'm straight), I'm addressing that in therapy but I would love some additional advice.

It seems that I can't stand peace and stability in my relationship. I follow the same pattern again and again:
- I meet a guy, we start dating and everything goes smooth for a month or two;
- then I feel the URGE to make up some minor argument, some drama; I have understood that the reason is I want to "test" the guy to see how much he is going to tolerate for me, how much he loves me; I feel that I'm an ugly, stupid, worthless person and I don't believe that someone could genuinely like me;
- if the guy stays with me, I am happy only for a brief time, because then I start thinking: "I'm horrible because I have created unnecessary drama; I feel horrible, therefore he is going to leave me"
- then I act out my abandonment fears by creating more drama, jealousy, silent treatments, verbal abuse (never physical!!)
- eventually the guy leaves me and I feel destroyed.
- then I meet another guy and the cycle starts again.

Sometimes I succeed in avoiding drama for a while. But when things go smoothly, I feel that the relationship is dying. I can't find any satisfaction in stable relationship, but I'm fed up with that self-sabotaging cycle. I can't tell the difference between stability and boredom.

I can't stand true intimacy: even in years-long relationship, I have always kept secrecy about minor or major issues (my health, for example). I made up lies in order to appear invulnerable, wonderful and fantastic.Even after one year of my current relationship, If I find myself alone on a Saturday night, I will tell my boyfriend that I'm on a night out because I don't want to come across as a "loser". If my boyfriend texts me, I will wait an hour or two because he must believe that I'm "busy".

I know it may sound immature, but I really struggle. I'm trying to start opening up to him, but it's painful. I fear that he would laugh at my vulnerable core, hurt me or leave me.

I was heavily bullied when I was 12 and I was forced to have sex by my ex-bf when I was 18. He threatened to leave me if I didn't have sex with him, and I complied, therefore I'm not saying it was rape. There was my consent. Since then, I always had difficulties during sexual intercourse, which I hid from every other partner I had because I feel like a "damaged good". I feel deep shame towards myself and my body.

Please help me I don't want to be an evil person.

Don't quite know what to tell you. It seems like life is a series of temptations that we resist just so long... until we succumb... only to then feel bad and resolve to resist again. If it's any consolation, I think the same is true for everyone. Sending you a cyber hug.