girlfriend trouble

I'm 37 and have been living with my girlfriend of two years for six months. I believe, based on loads of research that she qualifies as a psychopath. I am not qualified to make that diagnosis, but it is absolutely alarming how spot on the symptoms are. That statement is only to help, if in fact it does, with this situation. My girlfriend begged for cubs sox tickets. I bought them. She found out her guy friends were going. She started a fake fight with me. Went to the game with her friends with my ticket and I sat in the stands for thee entire game by myself. I never saw her once in there. Based on everything I think and this scenerio, I'm having a hard time getting over this. It's in my head all day everyday and I look at her with complete disgust now. Please provide any insight, it's desperately needed. How could someone do this?

Hey Russman52,

A low percentage of the population are psychopaths, but they really do exist, and so it does happen. If it has happened to you, then while you can read more about it, if you are correct, you have a difficult decision ahead.

If she does think like a psychopath, then your appeals to empathetic reasoning are not going to get through to her. Her brain cannot think that way. It stinks, and hurts to come this point of realization, but you do need to protect you too.

About the only insight I can offer is from own experience. Please don't over think her reasoning. It's not that complex, but it's easy to drive yourself loopy trying to make sense of it, because you are confusing how you think/feel with how she does. If she is a psychopath, she will look at almost every situation in terms of maximizing her own outcome. What she wants in the immediate term is her primary motivator. Sometimes that may include you, but not because she is concerned with your feelings (or anyone else either).

Whatever happens, she will be fine, but I do worry for you though. Smart psychopaths know how to keep a useful partner involved just enough that they don't lose a resource. Could be an occasional gift, complement, sex, something that maintains a sense of hope, but combined with a methodical erosion of the partner's self-esteem. The later is done slowly, step by step, so that the partner isn't even sure what is going on, until... the partner reaches a point of such depression/anxiety, they don't have the strength to take care of themselves without the psychopath either.

I am concerned for you that your self-esteem is already suffering, and if you continue with her, will grow worse until it's you who is acting 'crazy' and whose life falls apart.

Russman52 wrote:I'm 37 and have been living with my girlfriend of two years for six months. I believe, based on loads of research that she qualifies as a psychopath. I am not qualified to make that diagnosis, but it is absolutely alarming how spot on the symptoms are. That statement is only to help, if in fact it does, with this situation. My girlfriend begged for cubs sox tickets. I bought them. She found out her guy friends were going. She started a fake fight with me. Went to the game with her friends with my ticket and I sat in the stands for thee entire game by myself. I never saw her once in there. Based on everything I think and this scenerio, I'm having a hard time getting over this. It's in my head all day everyday and I look at her with complete disgust now. Please provide any insight, it's desperately needed. How could someone do this?

How do you know it was a fake fight? In 2 + years is this the worst thing she has done? If so maybe she is just trying to end it?

Hey Parador,

Thanks for taking the time to read my post. I could've elaborated a little bit more. There was a pattern of callous behavior that lead me to some of my interest in finding out how people are capable of these types of things. Although to answer your question, yes, this is the worst thing i know of.

I guess theres no such thing as a fake fight, it was a misappropriated term by me. There are different motives to altercations though. I don't think hers on that day was to resolve a conflict among us. I think it was provoked by the need for an excuse to do something she would rather be doing. Which is where the unbelievable disdain comes in.

She has a bunch of friends and they've all been awesome to me. Somehow, whether she admits it or not, she's always trying to be super cool around them. She longs to impress them. To a fault. Some of my amazement is created by the care put into them, thats not put into me. Perhaps theres a price to pay for being really caring and super nice to a person like this.

She is not trying to end it. She has repeatedly ended it, not because she wants out, but to use that as a tool to affect and change my behavior. A threat to make me change. When I call her out on her crap, she's say i'm jumping down her throat. Then she says she'll only take me back if I quit jumping down her throat. I figured she could be talked out of this childish, or more advanced and methodical, behavior. So, I played to game for a bit. Then one day I said okay lets end it. That did not go over well. There was physical abuse, threats of hurting herself and blaming it on me to authorities, and days of screaming. An exit strategy has been contemplated, because I don't think I can leave this without her trying to burn down every single thing in my life.

This is a very dark hole. I mentioned earlier that I'm not qualified to diagnosis people. I do believe that she is trying to turn me into someone she can walk all over her entire life though. There is so much conflict in me resisting her efforts.

I had a lot of time to think about this when I sat alone in stands during my Sox game.

Xdude,

That was a very well drawn out response. Thank you for taking that much time to talk with me. I gave a little more information on the situation in another response, which I would love for you to read too. It was to Parador.

It is all about her though. Not only that, she wants to take too. If I am hosting a party with my friends, she finds a way to sabotage it. If I'm treating her for dinner, she finds a way to fight the entire dinner. She will literally yell at me about a dirty dish being in the sink when there are five of her dirty dishes next to it. Then say, while you're doing yours, do mine too.

If I get up to pee while watching TV with her, she says where are you going. I then have to explain to her that I'm taking a wiz. Then it turns into the, "quit jumping down my throat" routine that I mention to Parador. Every single movement I make and every single thought that she sees me have, I have to explain to her and justify why I'm doing it. That always cycles into that routine.

I don't think she can be helped. I gave it my all.

We also can't diagnose here, but regardless of diagnosis, her behavior as described sounds narcissistic. From your point of view, it only matters so much, narcissism, psychopath, or just saying abusive and controlling, same impact on you.

That behavior of being abusive, and then turning things to around to blame others, well sadly it works. It is meant to play on your sense of responsibility and reasoning, your sense of guilt. Very likely you are the type that questions yourself when something goes wrong. What could I have done better? A positive trait, except when it's used against you by someone that is manipulative. Odds are she never questions herself, nothing is ever her 'fault', she doesn't introspect, and doesn't see any reason to do so.

You are likely trying to be reasonable, explain your point of view. Sadly that doesn't work with people who are abusive/controlling. Perhaps she occasionally, rarely, shows a slight indication that she gets your point of view, but it's short lived, and again, that's just throwing out another bit of hope to keep a resource on the same merry-go-round.

I am especially concerned that your attempt to end it previously turned so explosive, and put you at risk. Please be careful. There is a real bias in situations where the police are involved, an assumption that the male is the abusive one, and she is just a victim.

Thank you very much for the response. Sometimes I feel so confused and disoriented. This has given me a reassured and renewed perspective that was lost. What an absolutely exhausting ride this has been. Just absolutely unbelievable.

Sucks man.

It really does screw with your head and heart when you realize the person you love has such a different mind, little or no empathy, manipulative, self-absorbed, blah Books and articles on codependency, and sometimes therapy, can help us to figure out why we got involved with someone who cannot really love others.