Borderline Boyfriend Or Just Jerk?

Let me preface this by saying that I am in a closed, polyfidelitous throuple/triad. My husband and I have been together for 5 years, married for 2. We recently started dating the boyfriend in March of this year. He told us point back, early on that he has BPD but didn't really go into specifics. This was during one of his out-of-the-blue breakdowns where he tells us repeatedly that we're going to leave him.

Aside from that one breakdown, the rest of the first month or so were great. He was very clingy (which I appreciate in a partner), and great. He would literally want to spend hours with us (we say one night until 6am just talking and cuddling). It was really great.

Then our first argument came about. One day he got out of the shower, still wet and in a towel and took a snapchat photo and sent it. I assumed it was to myself or my husband, but it wasn't. I asked him about it and he said it was to his guy friend (who they've had somewhat of a history, but only casually flirt now). After he blew up about it and then calmed down and we talked through it, we came to the consensus that it wasn't healthy or ok to send flirtatious snaps like that to old "f buddies" or exes. And he agreed and volunteered to delete/block the guys he was snapping. Which he did, despite me telling him he did not have to.

Fastforward, he seems very emotionally unavailable at times.My husband has chronic suicidal thoughts that recur every once in a blue moon. One happened one night while we were picking the boyfriend up from work. My husband asked if we could stop for a minute and talk it out. The boyfriend responded with "Ok, but not long. I am tired." So, my husband sat for a few minutes we took him home. The next day, he asked nothing about my husband all day. When we picked him up from work, he just kept complaining about his day, his sales, how nobody in the department talks to him, etc. When I finally mentioned that the husband was feeling better, the boyfriend responded with "about what?" Completely clueless and self-absorbed about his own issues.

He also never wants to spend time with us anymore. We take him to work and drive him home, and it's always "I'm tired, I need to go home to go to bed." And then he goes to his friend/cousin's houses and smokes weed for a couple of hours before finally going to bed around 1 or 2 in the morning.

He did have one idea for a date night where he would take us on a date (since we're always buying his food/taking him out). He said he would when he got his first paycheck at his new job, and didn't until his 5th paycheck. That morning we went and got breakfast, then he was suddenly "tired" and wanted to go home to take a nap. Instead, he went home and went to his cousins and smoked weed. While ignoring us the entire time. When we finally did go on the date that night, he kept making mention of eating cheap or possibly sharing a plate of sushi with my husband (they like sushi, I do not). Ok, fine. I get money. That's no big deal. But literally the next day when we picked him up from work, he had bags of clothes he had spent $200 on for himself (literally just three items of clothes). So, that kinda irked me and seemed selfish in a way.

We go in and out of our way to provide for him, take him on dates, etc. We took him on a $1000 trip to his hometown, where he showed us around and we met a ton of his friends. We were excited to do so. A couple of weeks later, we took him to our hometown and he was on his phone the entire time. Then he made us cancel dinner plans with a friend we haven't seen in months so we could take him home early (three hour drives), because he was "in a mood." Then, when he got home guess what he did? Went and smoked weed and ignored us for the rest of the night and almost the entire next day.

He is very hot one minute and cold the next. He does really sweet things at times and wants to hangout on occasion (rarely it seems now). And I'm kinda getting whiplash from it. I know with BPD, at least from what I read, they can split a lot. And I was wondering if this wax an example of splitting or just being a douche who has gotten too comfortable in a relationship?

Any advice would be very much appreciated!

Hey jokkun,

So just my opinion -

It's difficult for one person to come to a sense of peace with self.

It's even more difficult for two to share an intimate life, and come to terms.

It's not at all surprising then that adding a third person to the mix, even more difficult.

So a pointed question for you -

You are clear on what you want from the BF in this situation, but are you clear on what he wants? Because it's a sure thing that what you want, and what he wants, are not going to be entirely aligned, and that's not specifically about him either, just the reality, what is good for you isn't necessarily what is good for him (and vice versa).

One thing to ponder as well... sex, for most people, has a way of leading to emotional involvement. So what may have been just a mutually beneficial arrangement early on, has changed for him. Even if he doesn't have BPD, but especially if he has BPD, emotional entanglements, new emotions, eventually are bound to occur.

have you educated yourself on BPD since coming into a relationship with this person? everything you're saying is pretty standard stuff for someone who has BPD but isn't interested in self improvement. and that's generally not a situation that's likely to turn around and start being more positive unless something changes within himself and he does decide to start doing the work to better himself.

I suggest if you haven't that you take the time to read up on BPD (just be careful, there's a lot of stigma around this disorder which means there's a lot of non-factual information out there on the internet - books are a better choice; just avoid Walking on Eggshells, it's no better than the internet for demonizing people with BPD.) then compare what you learn to what you've witness and make an informed decision as to whether you're able and willing to understand and tolerate these behaviours and whether you're interested in continuing to be in this kind of relationship.

Hey rainbow_sprinkles,

So I have an alternative perspective I want to write...

As someone who grew up with a BPD parent, and something I've struggled with myself, from both perspectives then, there is a real risk that someone with BPD morphs into what others want for a period of time to be loved and accepted. Perfect, malleable, agreeable.

Except the person with BPD cannot just be others want indefinitely, and then it's a shocker, you were behaving exactly as "I wanted", and now you are not!

The truth is often in the middle.

To the OP, is what you want of him realistic to begin with? From what you described he is a 3rd wheel in this relationship, and is it really that surprising that eventually he'd question that position?

jokkun wrote:Borderline Boyfriend Or Just Jerk?

Why does it matter? He's too much of a pain in the butt to be wort the trouble, isn't he? I tried it with a borderline woman years ago and now I tell people to run for the hills if someone shows signs of it.

To the points about it being a "mutually beneficial agreement" or he's a "third wheel." That's not the case at all. We went into this seeking a lifelong partner to add to our relationship, a triad/throuple/whatever you want to call it. It was clear from the beginning that we were looking for a lifelong partner -- and he stated he wanted to be that partner. He calls us his boyfriends and he's ours. It was never about sex (his sex drive is very off as well).

Rainbow skittles, he is in therapy (DBT, specifically for his relationship behavior and suicidal tendencies). He has invited us to speak with his therapist (and we have). Her advice to him early on was to not "move fast" like he did in previous relationships -- but we're unsure of what his previous relationships entailed exactly. From what he told us, he's only been in "three" -- an older guy in college that was sexually satisfying, but emotionally not there (on the guy's part), a long-term one who was abusive/and a drug addict, and one that he got very attached to but couldn't handle his suicidal tendencies. I'm not sure where he "moved fast" in any other them except possibly the third, considering he was with the first two for a good while (the second one for almost two years).

xdude, That's one of my concerns. If maybe he was just trying to "keep us" at first by being the way he was, and then has switched back to his normal demeanor now. Which, I have read up on BPD (actually possibly have it myself, my counselor thinks). So I am aware of the splitting or the "I love you, I hate you -- please don't leave me" behavior. And I have seen it in myself in retrospect (with my husband). So, I know it's not something I'm consciously aware of.

We've had a talk since my initial post where I pointed all of my concerns out. He said he hasn't realized it and apologized; and said that he's also very burnt out from work. We didn't really discuss the weed issue because I didn't want to pill on too much at once. But it does seem that he is constantly high lately -- before work, CONSTANTLY at home, and before he comes out with us. Which this also bothers me and I've noticed he's FAR more distant and somewhat mean/inconsiderate while he's high. I'm beginning to think that is the pivotal dilemma and would explain the changes (he didn't have the job when we first started dating -- so no money for weed!)

it's good that he's in DBT. how long has he been in treatment for?

us BPDs do tend to rush into relationships, in the sense of getting really serious really fast, not really getting to properly know the person first, becoming enmeshed, etc. codependency and love addiction have a lot of behaviours and thought processes that overlap with BPD, I personally identify strongly with all of them. addiction is also very commonly comorbid with BPD and it sounds like he may have an issue there that needs addressing as well. quite often the underlying emotional issues can't be properly worked on until the addiction issue is under control because the substances are used to numb out the problematic emotions. and yes the splitting thing is extremely common in relationships. that's likely something you'll have to learn to deal with as in my experience it can be one of the hardest things to get a grasp on even after years of DBT and/or other treatments.