BPD partner is getting me exhausted. What can i do?

Me and my boyfriend have been together for 15 years now. I have allways suspicted that he had some kind of disorder, but i only started to search for more answers in the last 3 years. I have been trying to tell him, that in fact he has BPD and he should seek help in order to make this relationship easier, but he tottally denies it and says that he is fine.

I still love him very much, so somehow I have allways managed to cope with his crisis, despiste of felling sad and alone. I dont have many friends, and the very few i have dont understand why i am in this relationship and the best they can do is telling me "just leave him", so i am kind of alone in this journey and i dont talk about my relationship that much anymore.

I am a very affectionate person that also needs a lot of affection, but latelly i am feeling depressed and exhausted. He is going through another crisis period right now, and he is acting so diferent from the last month when he was allways cheerfull, loving, kind and trying to get my afection all the time. Now he is acting cold, distant and emotionally unavaiable. Its like i had it all last month and now i have nothing. Now its like he is annoyed by my presence. Now i feel like i am sharing my house with a flatmate. Dont get me wrong, this behaviour is not new to me at all, Just what i am feeling rigth now is completelly new and i dont know what to do with these feelings.

He had a very difficult childhood and i am allways trying to compensate that giving him affection and allways reminding him that i love him very much. I wish i could have some stability and consistency but i know that is impossible. I know i should be used to this situation at this point, but i am a very emotional person and with time i am getting even more emotional and sensitive. I asked him to please tell me what went wrong, what made him changed in the last weeks, and he answer he is just the same person, it is me who is imagining things...

Over the years I have tryed 2 different approaches when he goes into a crisis:

1) Call him more often, beeing more afecctionate and trying to conect with him (but he acts like i am annoying him, rejects my afection and denies me afection).

2) I give him the indiference treatment, acting cold and distant (What i get is him beeing even more cold, and telling me he needs to go away for some time....One time i had the courage to answer him back telling him very calmly and sincerely "i want you to be happy, and if thats what it takes for you to be happy, then go" he returned home 10 minutes later).

Can someone tell me what is the best way to deal with this situation, is there anything else i can do? How should i behave when he goes into a crisis and i feel like i mean nothing to him?
I feel like i am beeing punished somehow, but for what?
I am sorry for my writing errors but english is not my native language.

Hey Katiuska,

With BPD, those push-pull cycles happen, and there is only so much you can do. As you wrote, yea, he almost assuredly will need professional help to really improve (and a willingness to try).

Still, if you want it to work, then the affirmative approach is what many recommend. Not that he is going to get better long term by doing that, but just because that's what the person with BPD is looking for.

The downside is that as long as he does have support, he may never reach the point of seeking professional help. Not that he necessarily will if he reaches rock bottom, but some have to reach that point before they will finally face, I need objective, neutral, professional guidance.

Just be careful that you don't run yourself down into becoming mentally unhealthy. Your feelings matter equally, and you becoming unwell won't help him to get better either.

xdude wrote:Still, if you want it to work, then the affirmative approach is what many recommend

Thank you so much for your reply.
I dont know what you mean with the "affirmative approach", what should i do? Should i sit back and act like nothing wrong is happening and wait untill he realizes that after all i mean something to him? Should i act normal? I am running out of options...

The choice #1 that you wrote about, is the affirmative approach, you are affirming that you still love him, etc.

There are also choices in the middle, such as defending yourself as you need, while letting him know you love him later when/if you are okay.

BPD is tough though no matter how you respond. It is tough on him, and those around him that get emotionally close.

Question -

Do you know what his triggers are? Does he know what his triggers are? In other words, before those push cycles happen, do either of you know what leads up to that point?

Sometimes it's not clear, but I am reminded of my pets that are cats. Some cats want to be held, petted, brushed, and so on, but then they've had enough. That switch from wanting that, to I've had enough can come on suddenly. If you are aware you can see it coming on. I mention that because with BPD it can be the same for some. They may want the affection, and closeness, but that can also trigger them to push away. Feelings of -

I've had enough. I need some alone time. I can't give back affection anymore, not right now. I am feeling smothered. I am enjoying this but now I am thinking about some event from the past that hurt me. If I enjoy this too much, you might hurt me.

The whirlwind and downward spiral of BPD depression can come on fast.

The idea of the cat is precisely the way i use to describe him as a person. Its just like you said. I cant tell for sure what triggers him because it can happen any time, even when things look great. But definitely i can sense it coming, he changes his bahavior towards me so quick, but never towards his friends. To all his friends he is an amazing person. One of the things that triggers him his exahaustion, when he gets tired he start to see all black. He gets obcessed with his job (amongst other things) and works himself to exahaustion to please everyone and everybody, neglecting me on the process. He never says no to anyone (except to me off course). He is allways looking for places to go, for people to talk to. He needs to allways be the center of atention by making people laugh, helping them, or giving advice. He leaves me at home to go to those places, and he spends time talking about me and how great i am. So people wouldnt believe if i told them who he really is.
He loves me , and he hates me...

Anyway he left me 2 days ago. Out of nothing he came home and told me that he fell in love with another woman and cheated on me. I know so well this is a lie but he sweared to god its the true. He got out of the house, but he keeps calling me telling me he is completly lost. I know its a lie because he is allways looking for the worst ways to hurt. 2 weeks ago we were having a chat like 2 normal adults, talking about cheating and the way it impactes a relationship. I told him that i would never cheat on him since i love him and respect our relationship and he told me the same. Though he asked me if i would acept him back if he would cheat on me, and i said that i would be so hurt that i couldnt, and relatioships are never the same when cheating happens. So i figured out that he pushed this button to hurt me where he knows that will work now, because the same old ways were not beeing so effective anymore. I am a mess rigth now.
He just called me again and in the middle of the conversation he said "If i wanted to go back, our relationship would never be the same right?there is no more trust, rigth?" and i replyed "What are you talking about? You have another woman now, you told me that! Also you said you are in love with her, why would you think about coming back?!From the bottom of my heart i want you to be happy with her, but you need to take care of your mental health because you are sick, and you will get her sick too. So you need to take care of her, taking care of yourself, otherwise that realationship wont work either. Future realtionships will fail too And you will be alone..."

I really hate to play this game, but i dont know what else to do. I know this might be another test and he doenst have anyone rigth now. But i cant accept him like this, i am not going to ask him to come back in these conditions. He is the one who needs to say "i am sorry i lied because i am sick" but he wont admit it. If i accept him back like this, in the future he will think that it is ok if i cheats for real and i will acept him no matter what. I still have respect for myself...
I am a mess...

Yes, that seems like a common pattern.

It's like they burn themselves out trying to be an ideal extreme in public, around others that they are not emotionally involved with, all that adds up, and then the rest all comes out in all at once around the people, or person, who is most supportive.

Sadly, as you wrote, if he does have BPD or a version of, whatever you do he is going to push you away a times, and test you until you fail, keeping in mind anyone would fail. The tests are unwinnable. It's the nature of the disorder.

Also as you wrote, yes, that's the problem with being more loving, forgiving, etc., Instead of building trust, it affirms the testing is okay, and so it will happen again, even more strongly than previously. No way to win.

From your point of view, all you can do is know your limits, protect yourself. Sucks. I wish I had some answer too, but nobody does other than the harsh truth. It really is up to him to come to the realization he needs help, and accept it. Nobody can do this for him, and nothing you say or do will evoke that. If it happens, it will more likely be due to reaching a rock bottom point in life, or some unpredictable epiphany, but it may also never happen either.

Take care of you. If you don't have anyone in your life who understands, and it's possible for you, no shame in needing therapy for you, to help you feel better.