Abusive - help me?

Hi all,

Looking for some constructive and helpful advice and direction. I'm confused, I'm depressed, really stressed out.

The question is - am I abusive, how, and what do I ask my counsellors for help to fix myself?

My last attempt to get help, didn't work well, just turned into someone attacking me telling me I am abusive (ok I'm willing to accept that but what do I need to do in order not to be?) Instead of explaining why / how / treatment they just attacked on individual word choices and anything I said was responded to with "typical abuser, deflect, blame others, not your fault" etc.

Background. I was diagnosed as Asperger's about 8 years ago. I'm currently receiving treatment for major depressive episode and situational stress. I was hospitalized for suicidal thoughts recently 3x, and hospitalized myself because I was worried about my inability to cope and starting to overreact to minor situations.

My 1st ex wife is BPD, we both accuse the other of being abusive during our decade together. I've only learned of the bpd in the past year - after a 'diagnosis'(?) By a psychologist who withdrew from a court ordered assesment because she was unwilling to deal with her due to expected legal implications. Psychologist said "clearly BPD with symptoms of another disorder" in her letter to the court.

1st ex wife claimed I'm emotionally, physically, mentally and financially abusive. Says I'm narcissistic, controlling.

I would dispute all of her claims and they've been tested in court and refuted. She was convicted of assault, as well as repeated breach / criminal breach of court orders. Tested by children's services - and I have custody of our son (son and his ½ sister made allegations, mother now lives alone)

2nd ?ex wife? Currently has a protection order against me, we have been unable to communicate since late November. October to mid November she was in a DV shelter and we talked daily - laughed and joked about how abusive I was. She didn't believe I was at the time.

Prior our relationship was a bit strained - we were suffering from all the big stressors in the months prior, major injuries, major life altering illness diagnosis, financial, job losses, deaths, loss of long term friends, etc. We were struggling but working together and more getting along and being happy than upset / fighting.

She was in a DV shelter because of an incident with her son / my stepson. Child services removed her and her children after we attended hospital to request a mental health assesment for that son. They've stated I "did not meet emotional needs" of that child. That's all they will tell me.

Both Ex's have said I'm controlling. I don't know how that is, I don't understand how that decision is arrived at. Both always had free choice, both had most financial control, with no oversight really, both were always encouraged to go out with friends (I liked the quiet!). Second deferred her decisions to me a lot - but I was always asking her to choose ?!? Frustrated me by "I don't know you decide" constantly. Both also commented about my breathing and seem triggered by me taking deep breaths (ocd tendencies, I take them when I see something I dislike I take a deep breath, ask myself if it's going to matter in 5 mins or 5 years, then 99.99999997% of the time I walk away deciding it's not worth it)

In December, 2nd ex-wife gave birth to our child. Because child services had told her not to communicate with me - I was not told. I found out by a near stranger about a week later. I did loose my temper, I did call and make threats, I did loose all rational thought and control. My child was born, I wasn't told, I wasn't allowed to attend or meet my daughter. I was angry, I was deeply hurt, I did feel betrayed. I deserved the EPO I got as a result, and spent the holiday season in hospital seeking help / treatment as a result. I'm not sure the 9 months extension to it was needed - but that's not my choice.

The only thing I have been able to get from her since the "no contact" started in November was that I am controlling. Also says I am paranoid about my ex wife (long story, but she was stalking us the year before (proven in court), custody fight had flared again due to new abuse disclosures by children. And I saw her driving through our complex. Yes I was worried/stressed about pregnant wife's safety with unstable ex-wife #1 around)

Her son's (7) mental health - I don't know the status, I know he was diagnosed with ADHD in fall - 17, and was just a week or two into second med after first was not tollerated. He has been in for repeated MHAs since, he injured 2 workers at the shelter (serious enough to require ambulance in both cases). ODD had been ruled out, they were talking about an anxiety disorder. Still not well controlled at the moment from the little information I get.

The stepson and I did have struggles - his mom is very permissive. I was brought up in a very authoritarian environment. Partly why we had a social worker involved weekly. Teach me to be less rigid, teach her to show some more backbone at times. I previously said we had friction / butted heads - apparently that made some say I totally was abusive as a result. I don't really understand - we had 1-2 hours of one on one time every week, we only had issues roughly weekly - usually as a result of mom retracting a punishment due to a tantrum from him, and me interfering saying no he needs to complete it. The relationship wasn't perfect, yes we had some difficulties but I think by far we had a better relationship than I had with my father so ?!?!

The incident which brought child services into our life was a massive temper tantrum, exceeded 2hours in length and for the first time he sought out and used a knife against me (minor cut to left arm). I did record some of it, as we were working with a social worker and OT trying to resolve understand and explain to physician and a new pediatrician what we were facing. I had to protect the 2 other children in the house from his behaviour. I followed our parenting plan - except I did choose to roll him in a blanket near the 2 hour mark - because I'd been injured and needed 5 minutes to reassess and gain composure, yes I was starting to loose my temper.

We did have a social worker and OT (also a social worker) in the house for 6-8 hours per week. For much of 2017, I was also unemployed - we were focusing on resolving problems.

Social worker who was there working on parenting strategies, and her agencies do not believe I was abusive. They say I followed our parenting training. They did object to the rolling - but understand why I needed to do it. Their criticism is that I probably engaged too much with the step son (giving short direction of get pyjamas on its bedtime), I should have ignored more. Part of this video is now used for in house training on extreme tantrums.

OT has supported me, hasn't said much but did say in her opinion I wasn't abusive.

Child services assessor, I did have fired. I tried to get along for the first 6 weeks and go with their plan. But when I was excluded fully and social worker, OT, and 2nd ex's mother were removed from planning / meetings - because they supported me, followed by the "no contact" threats. I did push back, she was sanctioned for not following procedures, lacking objectivity, then later dismissed for a privacy breach while suspended. (Never piss off an aspie when all your policy, procedure and training manuals are public record and that aspie already doesn't trust your agencies due to failures in ex-wife #1 abuse issues - so he records every conversation). But child services has never waivered from its initial 1st day "he's abusive you need to leave" finding.

As you can see it's very complicated. I don't know who to believe. With the continual presence of social workers in our house, I have trouble believing they would not act and tell me if I was being abusive. I don't know if children's services gave me a fair shake. I do know I majorly f*ed up before Christmas.

I'm really struggling here. I go to counsellors every week, I'm at a loss as to what I should ask to work on with regards to this. I can accept that I may be abusive - it's possible at times probable. But I don't know who to believe? I dont know how to rationalize and make an independent assessment as to what I need help with?

I'm not looking for an ego stroke. I'm not looking for sympathy - I know it's nearly impossible to tell if I'm abusive from what I'm telling you. But I'm at a loss so I am requesting some advice and help. I don't want to be abusive, I don't want to loose my 2nd partner, but I feel I probably already have. I'm not understanding what I'm missing and the information I get is too conflicting to determine how I should proceed.

Please help?

this would undoubtedly have been better off posted in AS. nevertheless.

so, that was one of the longest posts i can remember. no way am i going to cover everything in any real detail. i'm just going to go for the critical paths.

the big issue here is that you had a meltdown over your 2nd ex not telling you about the birth of your daughter. given that she was instructed to not do so by child services for what appears to have been no good reason, i feel you were discriminated against. i further feel that this discrimination was so severe that it constituted provocation. and i also feel that none of this was taken into account with regard to your AS, and therefore tendency to have meltdowns, when you were made the subject of a protection order. in short, you are the victim of an uncaring and unaccountable legal system. if i were you, i would be seriously considering legal redress against that system.

as for both your ex's allegations of you being controlling, a lot of people with AS are rigid and it's not remotely uncommon for NTs to perceive this as being controlling. the difference is that being rigid is self-imposed, whilst being controlling is other-imposed.

as with most people with AS, you're over-analysing all of this because you don't have the data, in the form of perspective, to see clearly what is actually happening here - hence, the monolithic post.

Not sure if the AS forum would have been helpful either. We have a different view of the world. Might have been better in the abuse forums - but those tend to be occupied by the "DV industry" types. Where insults and accusations are hurled with no comprehension, reasoning or attempts to help - it's all about labelling and billing for services, not solving problems.

I've spent 3 months going to the abusive men's counselling. I don't know why I go - same thing they'll nitpick word choice they'll take situations out of context - I swear to god they gaslight you, arguing that anger and losing temper is the same. Maybe it's the AS views, I don't know. Semantics not fixing things. Or that's how it feels.

Partly why I posted here try to get perspective and better understanding. I'm not going back to the DV counsellor, as they're completely useless - but my regular counsellors isn't sure what to help me with. And I don't know what to ask for...

just remember that people with AS have a problem with frustration. they're not intuitive and they over-load easily. to NTs this frustration looks like anger. it isn't. the problem is when the frustration leads to a meltdown. that's what you have to guard against. and the best way of doing that is to extract yourself from the situation causing the frustration before you meltdown.