I need someone to talk to . I cant afford therapy .

I really need someone to talk to. I cant take it anymore. I just cant . I need someone who'll frequently check this thread and listen to me . Its very difficult . I cant anymore . Please . Please.

Jemma,

You describe that you can't take it anymore. What is your situation?

Understand that this is a public forum and your thread is also. But because of the nature of this forum, your thread may draw different, and perhaps helpful, perspectives to what may be troubling you.

I can't take being called a liar every moment of my life by the person i love the most. Liar , cheat , dirty and what not . I cant take it . I didnt do it . I didnt lie. I didnt talk to any of his friends i didnt cheat on him either . Im doing nothing behind his back. I avoid doing anything that could cause us problems. I dont go out with any friends . I dont even go online on whatsapp if im not talking to him . I just ignore everyone elses massages. Im off all social media. Im doing everything i can. But nothings enough . I dont have any friends i can talk to. And i posted this because its been months and i couldnt keep it inside anymore. I just wanted someone to listen and support me. Im become this huge villan in his life. And i cant take it anymore. It hurts too much . If a friend of his says something even closely related to what he has only told me or something that only i have told him . And im talking about them saying things in a normal conversation . He jumps to the conclusion that i tell them everything. I dont talk to his friends. I dont talk to anyone. He is all i have. Literally all i have. Except for my family who wont be anyhelp. I keep screaming i didnt do it. I didnt do it. He wont listen . I cant take it anymore. I love him. I love him more than i love myself . I dont know what to do . I really dont .

Jemma,

No one can really diagnose you or your bf/SO, as none of us are professionals here. We can only provide peer support here and hopefully you understand. Users here can only offer guesses as to what may be going on in your relationship, nothing more.

The relationship certainly is not a healthy one, considering how you yourself feel about it, not liking how you're being called a liar by the person you love most. The feeling must be like feeling rejected for who you are in truth. But you are also denying yourself by avoiding his triggers, and allowing him to control what you can and cannot do. Not all the love and caring in the world will cure his jealousy and need to control the woman in his life, it will never be enough.

This is perhaps the time to reflect upon how you attracted such a person into your life. There is likely a synchronicity between how you were raised and understood your parental dynamics and likewise how your partner was raised and understood his parental dynamics. Yes, it possibly goes that far back. There was something about him that attracted you to him and something about you that attracted him. The problems in your relationship are not all about him, but also about you as well. And hopefully this reflection will give you pause for thought to learn something about yourself and empower yourself as well.

Hi Jemma, sorry to hear. Are you safe? Do you have a bedroom to go to and get some space? Can you talk to a counselor? I'm not sure what is going on but it looks like an unhealthy encounter based on projection - he's projecting things onto you - his own issues? You feel threatened and rightly so. No matter how much you are connected to this person, no one has a right not to listen to you. Your partner should care about you and how you feel and vice versa. Do you feel there is a twisted reality going here due to drug/alcohol issues, abuse, or personally disorders? Can you take a break from each other? Do you feel threatened or worried if you leave? My husband and I had many years of fighting but I have a PD and neither of us felt like you do. Lots of love

I know i should be thinking about myself and leave . But I just can't let go . I keep thinking about the future i had thought of with him . I keep telling myself one day he will know that you didnt do any of it . Both of us want to leave each other . We know our relationship screams toxic . We know that we're killing ourselves. But we love each other so much . He accuses me i keep screaming and shouting and try to prove my innocence , he doesnt believe me we dont talk for a while and then one of us says i cant live without you and we'll make things work and we get back spend a little good time and another accusation comes up and hence the cycles continues . It is very difficult . I realise that we are addicted to each other . I really want to live the life i imagined with him . I dont know what to do . Im like the stubborn child who wants to eat ice-cream when he has a cold . But only that ice cream can make him feel better . And its the same for both of us . I dont know what to do anymore . Anything i do is going to hurt me majorly .

Maybe not leave just yet, but try to establish some boundaries between yourselves first? Negotiate with him and explain what his criticism does to you.
See if he can temper his reactions and you temper yours. A mutual respect is how most successful and healthy relationships work.
It never is a rose garden, but it should never be intolerable either. There may be Rose Garden moments and very dark, disappointing moments.
I know when I have to walk away from a pending argument before exploding and saying something hurtful that I may regret later. I am also learning not to immediately react when she explodes on me. Sometimes a pause and then going with plan 'B' instead of going nuclear with plan 'A' helps and keeps the lines of communication open. Maybe not communication right then and there, but after a cooling off period. I may go to a different floor of the house or go outside for awhile. Take deep breaths and re-focus.
This may or may not work, but at least you will know that you both tried to save it.
Some 12-step groups like CoDependents Anonymous, Relationships Anonymous, Recovering Couples Anonymous and Emotions Anonymous, etc. may be in your area. The meetings are generally free. You may put a donation in the basket when they pass it if you feel like it. This covers coffee, literature and other group miscellaneous costs.
You don't have to give your name if they ask if there are any newcomers if you don't want to. Just say that you are there to listen.
You may hear some good advice and meet people who are going through exactly what you are. You can learn how they are dealing with it and if it may work for you. A support group of people with the same common interests is a powerful tool.
Best of luck to you.