Is he a Narcissist/ASDP or just pretending to be?

I'm in the process of working up the "courage" to break up with someone who've I've been dating for 10 months, although it's been slow going. One of the reasons for this is that I worry about the best way to do so, because I suspect he may be of the narcissistic/sociopathic personality spectrum. I've been collecting a lot of information about that spectrum of personality disorders, and while some of it fits, I can't help but feel that perhaps he's only pretending to have some of these traits just to seem intimidating...which in itself is I suppose narcissistic?

It's the usual stuff that make me suspect that he could be ASPD, and I think we are all familiar with what that is, so I will move ahead to the things that don't fit that "diagnosis," at least as to what I understand a sociopathic personality to be.

The evidence I have for him possibly not being a true ASPD are the following:

Cried (with actual tears) inconsolably for over an hour after learning that his mother likely had terminal lung cancer

Over the holidays said Christmas is his favorite "because of how it makes you feel to have your family and friends all around." (His family isn't one that has a lot of money for gifts, so there are very few of those.)

I've read that in dating relationships that ASPD people are usually very jealous and controlling, but on just about every occasion where another guy has come up, he's told me "I don't care if you get with him; if you don't want me, I don't want you." (That could go either way, I admit; but if he was trying to keep me around as a source for supply, wouldn't I be seeing some jealousy? Perhaps it is just me, but this feels to me more like a "you can't hurt me, so don't try to" kind of statement.)

From what I can tell, he hasn't lied to me about anything, and he doesn't sugar coat anything either. If he says he is visiting his mom, and I call, he is indeed at his Mom's as he puts the call on speaker and the 3 of us all talk together. If I ask his opinion on something I've been working on, if he thinks it needs improving, he tells me very bluntly.

There seems to be certain consequences he does fear as he puts a lot of effort into not angering his older brother, who is capable of having fantastic blow-ups of anger, even more so than my BF is capable of himself. I sometimes wonder if my BF's anger control issues aren't learned from his older brother, who for the most part is his father-figure, as they are 15 years apart.

Hardly ever tells me he loves me instead of showering me with the words as most of what I've read suggest an ASPD would do to keep you on the hook. If I tell him I love him, maybe about half the time he'll reciprocate and say it back, but not always.

Whether he is or is not a true ASPD, I am still doing my best to get out of this relationship because I just don't feel "good" within it anymore. I'm struggling to disconnect emotionally, but I feel like perhaps it may be easier to do so if I knew what I was dealing with. Thanks to all who chose to offer an opinion!

Ibex0 wrote:Cried (with actual tears) inconsolably for over an hour after learning that his mother likely had terminal lung cancer

I think you should perhaps lay off of "spot a sociopath" facebook articles for a while.
As someone who was in a relationship with a pwNPD I think you'd know if he was a sociopath/narcissist or not. Impossible to miss really once the idealization period ends. Using crying due to terminal illness of a parent as some sort of argument is just distasteful. People with PDs are still human.
You seem to be the calculated one here.

I agree with shanzeek or whatever their name is, we aren't robots. We have emotions lol we just feel them on a lower scale. So whether or not he's crying over a relative is irrelevant. Can't really gauge whether or not he is one based off the limited amount of information you've given me. Doesn't seem like one and with the amount of time you have been with him, if he is one, you would have already known.

Hey Ibex0,

I also found your post confusing, as it lacked any description of what has lead you to believe he has NPD/AsPD, and more important, it lacked a description of how you are negatively affected. You described that you are at a point of wanting to end it, but the why parts I didn't get.