Dealing With Dad's Stroke

Last Wednesday, dad had a stroke. He spent the next few days in a hospital in Melfort. We've all gone to see him, kids and grand-kids. He can hardly talk, he uses a wheelchair to get around, his memory is gone, he has trouble feeding himself, and he can't move part of his body.

And then just this morning, he has another stroke! Now he's been transferred to a hospital in Saskatoon for better treatment. I'll be going in to see him tomorrow.

I know strokes can be deadly, but people can actually bounce back from them. What worries me is that dad could die and that if he does, he will have died knowing that in his eyes I am a failure compared to the rest of his kids. I'm the only one who never graduated from high school, who doesn't have a car or a driver's license, who doesn't own a house, who isn't involved in a serious relationship, who doesn't have a job, yet am the only one on financial assistance and who's been labelled by society as disabled (Asperger's, though I don't consider it a disability).

I have spent my whole life feeling like a disappointment to dad and that he is ashamed of me. He actually said to me over the summer that he is embarrassed by the fact that I am his son. He actually told someone a few months ago that when he dies, "I'm going to feel sorry for Dwayne. He's not going to have much of a life." When I was younger, dad always said I would never amount to anything. He actually said to me around that time that he is proud of his other kids, but not of me.

Even after so much effort, my life situation has not changed in any way. I feel as if every effort I made to change the way dad sees me has been for nothing. If dad does die, so will all chance of redeeming myself in his eyes, he'll die seeing me as a disappointment, nothing more or less. That will bother me much much than him actually dying.

DwayneA wrote:Last Wednesday, dad had a stroke. He spent the next few days in a hospital in Melfort. We've all gone to see him, kids and grand-kids. He can hardly talk, he uses a wheelchair to get around, his memory is gone, he has trouble feeding himself, and he can't move part of his body.

And then just this morning, he has another stroke! Now he's been transferred to a hospital in Saskatoon for better treatment. I'll be going in to see him tomorrow.

I know strokes can be deadly, but people can actually bounce back from them. What worries me is that dad could die and that if he does, he will have died knowing that in his eyes I am a failure compared to the rest of his kids. I'm the only one who never graduated from high school, who doesn't have a car or a driver's license, who doesn't own a house, who isn't involved in a serious relationship, who doesn't have a job, yet am the only one on financial assistance and who's been labelled by society as disabled (Asperger's, though I don't consider it a disability).

I have spent my whole life feeling like a disappointment to dad and that he is ashamed of me. He actually said to me over the summer that he is embarrassed by the fact that I am his son. He actually told someone a few months ago that when he dies, "I'm going to feel sorry for Dwayne. He's not going to have much of a life." When I was younger, dad always said I would never amount to anything. He actually said to me around that time that he is proud of his other kids, but not of me.

Even after so much effort, my life situation has not changed in any way. I feel as if every effort I made to change the way dad sees me has been for nothing. If dad does die, so will all chance of redeeming myself in his eyes, he'll die seeing me as a disappointment, nothing more or less. That will bother me much much than him actually dying.

Hey.

I'm sorry about your dad.. This was written 4 days ago, I hope he's stable by now.

Despite everything that is going on, I must say that he wasn't acting very fair towards you. I think you need to be strong now, be there for your dad and family, and focus on what you can influence, rather than things that you can't. You can't influence how your dad perceives you or the outcome of his health situation, but you might start making plans of going back to school, perhaps. Or getting a driver's licence? It would also keep you occupied and away from negative thoughts. Obligations and being productive is what usually helps me in situations like these. I really hope he gets better.