Not sure if I've done the right thing - BPD.

Hi grimbog,

In reading your posts, I get the sense that you are afraid of something and that something will happen if you let her go. If I am mistaken, then please accept my apology.

But I get the sense, that this whole thing has some major importance for you that goes beyond simple friendship/caring/relationship. You are working so hard on this. Why?

Do you feel if you let her go, that there will be no other chance? No one else? Do you not think there might be someone out there who will treat you better and not make you do all of this heavy lifting?

You can not save her, or heal her, simply by caring more and more. It does not work. And constantly trying to prove you are a good guy, who is good enough etc. That is just going to wear you out. It does not make you a bad guy to let people go. To leave them to their own devices.

You can not rescue people who refuse to be saved. Continuously running into a burning emotional house, will not change this.

Thanks mark1958,

mark1958 wrote:In reading your posts, I get the sense that you are afraid of something and that something will happen if you let her go. If I am mistaken, then please accept my apology.

But I get the sense, that this whole thing has some major importance for you that goes beyond simple friendship/caring/relationship. You are working so hard on this. Why?

Its hard to tell - I know I have co-dependency issues, but must admit that when my ex and I first broke up it was fairly okay... she broke up because she acknowledged she had issues, and that I also was not in the best health with self-esteem - it was toxic - I understood that we had to step back. This worked, we cared about each other, and we were still close.

I think it was when I sent the letter last year (posted about that here) that things went down hill, and so now I find myself trying to settle things down with my ex or be more caring, but instead whats happening is that the emotional abuse is getting worse and I'm still finding myself worrying about her, and not myself.

Do you feel if you let her go, that there will be no other chance? No one else? Do you not think there might be someone out there who will treat you better and not make you do all of this heavy lifting?

It'll be okay in the long run, I know I need to move away... the core of my own issues stems from what happened in my past with another relationship during my university days. That ended badly with me discovering that my partner at that time had slept with someone else to deal with the breakup, and subsequently split my friends and subjected me to a lot of hate. I didn't feel comfortable dating for 6 years after that ordeal, and still fear rejection now. Its this that I'm probably reliving myself now.

Hey Grimbog,

Grimbog wrote:she broke up because she acknowledged she had issues, and that I also was not in the best health with self-esteem - it was toxic

It may be time to start pondering, is this a double standard (and to take a break from relationships until you figure this out for you)?

So she is allowed to have 'issues', and needs support, and you are suppose to be what? A strong machine, free of issues? For what purpose? Having issues is human. In and of itself it's not toxic for two people to accept their partner has issues (cause hey they are people).

Double standards are not necessarily a problem either, if both are okay with roles that embrace the differences.

I can tell you my ex was often a real dick. She wanted to dabble, pick and choose, if she got to play the female or male role as it suited her (i.e., as it was an advantage in the moment), but also would tell me me job was to play the male role. If you ever got the 'be a man' speech, then you know what I am talking about (try to give the 'be a woman' speech, and it becomes clear there is a double standard).

Being wishy-washy about our roles is also not abnormal. The problem with PDs, is the extremes to which they think/feel. Such extreme thinking can devolve into extreme double standards.

Still, the bigger question is why did we seek out someone with a PD to begin with? Why did we feel we had to bend over backwards to meet their demands, while hurting ourselves? What did we fear if we didn't do so, and what keeps compelling us to try the same thing again knowing it ends just as it did before?

Hi grimbog,

Happy New Year to you!

I appreciate your candor and honesty. I know it is not easy to think about these things. It takes a lot of character and guts to be open like this. It really does. And, I am not trying to make you feel any worse for all of this. I am hopeful that by exploring all of this, by looking at yourself, you can see how you may be self-defeating here. And no need to feel poorly about any of it. Because I have been there myself.

Sometimes we hold on to these beliefs about life that are just not true. Beliefs about ourselves beliefs about other people, beliefs about what is right or wrong, beliefs about what love is, and what we think love can do for us. And we need to be shocked into seeing how we may actually be mistaken in how we see things.

Perhaps these beliefs were formed very young, perhaps we were taught we need to do x, y, or z. Or maybe we have had negative experiences that have hurt us so much that we compensate. Whatever the reason, if we are willing to step back and look at it, and have the courage to really see it, it can start us on whole new path.

In my opinion, there are two things a person should use as a sort of measuring stick. To measure how they pursue relationships. Does a person have a surplus of "other love" but a deficit of "self-love"? Prone to place other's needs constantly above their own? Placing people on a pedestal? Or is it the opposite. Do I feel I am "wonderful" and others do not meet my standards? That everyone is lacking. And I am a judger and fault finder? Both of these are errors if you will and will lead to unsatisfactory relationships. And both are compensations for some underlying insecurity.

You may stop here and say "wait a minute, isn't it a good thing that I care for others? That I help them, that I am understanding and willing to go the extra mile?" Of course it is. But not at the expense of your own self, your own needs, your own emotional well being. And the most important. Not as a means to prove you matter, that you are a person of value or worth. If you do not believe in those things for yourself, no amount of pouring your "love" into another person will change how you feel.

You will hand over control of your feelings and place them in the hands of another. And hope, that they recognize it, value it, appreciate it, and love you for you it. This is a relatively risky proposition. If you get lucky, you may find a woman with a "heart", who sees that and treats you fairly. If you are unlucky, you will find a troubled person whose heart is closed off, and will hurt you or use you or whatever she does to you. There is a better way.

It is a fact in life that if you hold a low opinion of yourself, you will find others who will confirm that view. If you believe and have faith in who you are and only really, and I mean really, want good things for yourself, you will find others who will confirm that view as well. See, people are mirrors. They reflect back to us what we really feel about ourselves.

Pay attention to this. It will allow you to correct course. If you see bad people around you all of the time, it means you are currently in a place where you are not feeling good about yourself. Change that, and those people who will not confirm that in you will go away. And new and better people will take their place. If you refuse to become an emotional landfill, for troubled people, they will no longer try to lay their problems on your lap, and then blame you for not fixing any of it.

This does not mean you have to become a cold hearted sob. Far from it. It is simply holding onto that positive image of yourself, no matter what happens. This is a habit. A set of skills. You need to practice self-love and self-nurturing. Many people do. But eventually it takes hold.

And do not feel guilty or confuse this with being selfish. You are not being selfish. You are simply refusing to allow anyone to use you in negative ways. Help as many people as you want to. But not because you want to be loved for it, but simply because that is who you are. And never let anyone tear you down.

What a great post Mark!

I personally agree with the concept that a degree of 'selfish' focus is healthy. There is vast grey area between the extremes of 'I must always put myself first', and 'I must always put myself second'. Ironically it can be just as difficult for the later types to change their thinking as it is the former.

A few years ago we had a poster on here who was struggling breaking up with his wife who had BPD, and before he left the forums, he had adopted a personal mantra ... 'I choose me 51% of the time'. 50% to be balanced, and fair, plus 1%, for his own good, to re-learn that he mattered too. To practice that he needed to stop putting himself second. Hopefully he is in a better place for it today.