My boyfriend pushes me away because of his illness

Okay so I’m already sorry it’s gonna be such a long post but I’m really desperate and I just kinda need to get this off my chest. I really hope that at least one person will read this and maybe give me a new perspective.

So the outline of the story is: my and my boyfriend are both 20 years old, we’re together since June 2016 (which makes it 1,5 years) and since October 2016 we’re in a long-distance relationship (we both go to medical school but in different cities and we see each other once a month). He’s been struggling with anorexia, depression and gender identity issues for a long time, he started treatment in August 2016 after I persuaded him to go see a doctor.

Last year was great for us, he had better and worse times of course but at least our relationship was good. Everything changed this September when he went back to uni and our relationship suddenly started to deteriorate. I can’t exactly point out what was wrong but we would argue a lot about the stupidest of things and he’d get mad at me easily. He would also lie to me on various occasions, which leads us to the next part of the story.

About a month ago I found out about yet another lie he told me and I got really mad. Like I know I overreacted but just a couple days back he promised not to lie anymore and when I found out he did I really freaked. I yelled at him over the phone and, long story short, he overdosed on benzodiazepine. Luckily he told me about it so I called the ambulance (he lives on his own) and he spent the next night at the hospital. I know this sounds like I’m making excuses but we’ve seen each other the previous day and I had no idea he would do that (like really, if I knew this was a bad moment I never would have overreacted like this).

Then he was really mad at me for a while and well, still is. The thing is he says he loves me but fears he’s not good enough for me and that he’s a bad person. Another thing is he keeps on mentioning stuff that I do that bother him, but when I stop doing those there’s always something else that I do wrong. Essentially, he’s annoyed with me a lot.

Also he’s stressed about school and in general this kind of a bad time for him so I try to be supportive and wait it out until he’s feeling better. But the thing Im really worried about is that he doesn’t want to tell his doctor about the suicide attempt, he went to see the therapist he’s been seeing last year but he also didn’t tell her about it; he’s due to start seeing her regularly in January.

Sorry I accidentally published that without finishing... So long story short, do you guys think it's just me or is it all illness talking? I really do love him and I've always been there for him. Also I have this little theory that this arguing of ours recently (he was really easily irritated) might have been symptoms of a relapse, which was when the suicide attempt happened. Do you think this could be true?