She cares more about the dogs then me

Hi there

My girlfriend has had dogs since she was tiny. And curretly her family owns 5. They show Aussies and she is very good at it. She's wonderful and funny and smart, but there is one problem. Shes the kind of gal that calls her dogs her kids. And thats fine by all means, I have aunts that do the same. But shes also the "I'll feed the dogs before i feed myself". They sleep on the bed with her and she lets them "kiss" her on the face. Myself on the other hand have always been raised that dogs are like family, but they're dogs. They should never be your first priority when it comes to emergencies. And i expressed to her and she got very upset. She told me straight up that she cares more about the dogs than anyone else. And I dont get it. I want a healthy relationship between two adults, not two adults and a 5 dogs. Am I just a huge @$$hole for thinking like this and am stepping out of line, or am i a reasonable man, saying something resonable.

How did you conclude that she cares more about the dogs than she does about you, though? What does one have to do with the other? It's possible to care for both you and them, why make her choose?
Her affection towards dogs is a bit out of the ordinary, I agree, but it's something that's been there from the start and now you suddenly wish to change her?

shanzeek wrote:How did you conclude that she cares more about the dogs than she does about you, though? What does one have to do with the other? It's possible to care for both you and them, why make her choose?
Her affection towards dogs is a bit out of the ordinary, I agree, but it's something that's been there from the start and now you suddenly wish to change her?

I concluded that through the fact that she told me to my face that she cares more about the dogs than she ever will about anything else. And I wont give her an ultimatum because I know she'll pick her dogs. But she got terribly pissed when I said dogs were dogs and people come first in my book. I just dont know how to deal woth it and was asking for guidence.

Dear Dogsarealright.

My own attitude is that if you love someone you've got to accept them as they are, many facets, one diamond. If you try to change how they are, then they'll no longer be the person you're in love with (and it probably won't work anyway!) As you can see, she likes who she is right now and doesn't want to change.

I know you could say the above is reciprocal, that she should also love you for who you are and that includes your attitude towards dogs. But love, I feel, is all about compromises. It's a Venn diagram, full of overlaps, and how you treat the parts in the overlaps will tell the other person how much you care about the person they are right now, not about the mythical person you want them to be. What I feel she's getting from your attitude is 'I don't want to be with you/your attitudes, I want to be with a different person who thinks in a different way'. So she's reacting against rejection/fear of rejection.

I've never had any relationships because I'm slightly deformed and women/people react very badly to that. I'm not saying that to gain sympathy, I'm saying it so you know where I'm coming from. But if I did, I'd want to be part of her world as much as she's part of mine and if that included loving dogs on her terms, I'd do it because they're part of her world too and it would draw us closer together. Surely in the end that's what it's all about?

And there's a bonus I can see. Let her have this point and not only will you gain her love more fully, you'll have that of her dogs, too!

Yours respectfully

Pathsearcher.

I am a male with the same attitude as your girlfriend. My dog passed months ago. I miss her everyday.
I don’t know about your girlfriend but to me dogs are 100% predictable and loyal. They are easy to deal with. People are not. I don’t know how the math could get any clearer. Given the stories I’ve read around this forum my position seems eminently sane. Best to you

Dogsarealright wrote:I concluded that through the fact that she told me to my face that she cares more about the dogs than she ever will about anything else. And I wont give her an ultimatum because I know she'll pick her dogs. But she got terribly pissed when I said dogs were dogs and people come first in my book. I just dont know how to deal woth it and was asking for guidence.

She probably felt attacked by your "dogs were dogs" statement and reacted in an aggressive way. It's not so much about dogs, it could have been a hobby, or a job that means the world to her. If someone was to attack something that means a lot to me and indirectly threatened of making me choose, I'd probably react in a similarly defensive manner.

You're both to be blamed in my opinion. You shouldn't disregard her (a bit pathological) love for dogs and she won't have the need to "defend" it. I don't see this situation as something that can't be resolved, I think you simply need to approach it differently and that will condition more positive response on her side.

People who care enough will find ways to compromise, those who don't will use the problem as an excuse.