How not to feel in love any more...

Hi Karuna,

He sounds like a good man. And in the end, this may simply be a case where you found someone who really attracts and interests you. For what it is worth to you, this happened to me a long time ago, a woman who was my superior. But she was not married but did have a relationship at the time. We did spend some time together. She wound up going back to her old BF.

As for my relationship, well, I could fill pages. And that would not be fair to you. But I will say this. I went into my relationship believing that I had good intentions, and I did. But I was coming into it from an emotionally needy place. And I was not even aware of this until after the relationship was over and with a lot of help from this wonderful forum.

When we have unmet emotional needs, and some think it is actually emotional hunger, we are prone to choose bad partners, or make poor relationship decisions. And therefore we are bound to react to our partner’s behavior rather than respond. A healthy relationship, in my opinion, is where each party stays as an individual rather than as a "couple". It is a relationship of two, rather than one. If we look at it as "we" we can find ourselves submerging into an emotionally dependent place. We then ask, or rather demand (this can be sub conscious) that our partner meet our unmet emotional hunger, or to feel whole or complete. Sometimes we can be hoping our partners "fix" us in some way.

Now, it is true, we need others to meet some of our needs. But, we need to come at them open, vulnerable and emotionally honest. We need to ask them, rather than expect them, to meet our needs. See, many of us do not do this. Not really. We assume our partners know what we need. See, this is based on fear. That if we tell them what we need, they may so no. So, we stay silent and perhaps unfulfilled or some get angry or feel unloved, because their partners are not responding to their emotional cues. Because the partner simply does not know.

We can also be prone to "idealize" the love of someone, and create what is called a fantasy bond with another. We think we are in love or are happy with our partners. But we cling to the idea of love, rather than judging correctly if our partners are right for us. According to experts in this field, many marriages and long term relationships are fantasy bonds, or the illusion of a relationship/marriage and not an authentic loving and intimate relationship.

In my story, I became involved with someone who had a Personality Disorder, with tremendous intimacy fears. She initially idealized me, and then I idealized her. But her fears and heavily defended personality (we all have defenses) led us in the classic, but ultimately unhealthy romantic dance of pursue and distance. I pushed for emotional closeness (my hunger) and she pushed it away (her intimacy fears). But because I was in a fantasy bond, I stayed.

In the end, I needed to assess why I was so filled with emotional hunger and what I needed to fix to be in a loving relationship rather than a fantasy bond.

Karuna, it is hard to switch one's feelings off about someone you have developed strong feelings for. But I think the easiest way is to understand it's not right, it's wrong, that what you hope for is not going to happen and you shouldn't want it to happen if he is taken. He's married and although you owe no loyalty to his wife, if you were married to a guy you love you wouldn't want women he works with trying to work their way into his feelings and you should do the same towards his wife.
Nothing is going to come from this, you are exhausting too much of your energy, feelings and time towards something that can never happen.

It takes a person with real class and quality to have feelings towards someone who is taken and to just back off and respect that person is taken. Be that person.

@Rainman19
I agree totally with everything that you said, but for one portion of your response: you said, 'nothing is ever going to come of this'. We don't know that. We can only hope that is true...

angelinbluejeans wrote:@Rainman19
I agree totally with everything that you said, but for one portion of your response: you said, 'nothing is ever going to come of this'. We don't know that. We can only hope that is true...

Well yes I see what you mean, but if anything is to come of it she will cause a marriage to collapse, a man to cheat on his wife and leave her heartbroken, and what will happen if something comes of it - there will be a man who's life will be in turmoil going through a separation and divorce, may be he has kids too and they will see their family crumble apart, maybe lose their family home and what for, because some woman wanted their Dad who was married. Does Karuna want to be the reason all of that happens?
I think that is the only way you can move on and stop feeling this way by realising this is all wrong and not fair. It would be a whole different situation if the man was single, she would have every right to try. But he's taken, move on, find your own man.
It does suck when someone you develop strong feelings for is taken, I am sure many of us have experienced really liking someone but they are already taken, but you don't go there unless you are just thoughtless and selfish. Sorry if that is harsh but that is the reality of it IMO.

Rainman and angelin : i don't understand why i get those judgemental comments.
i say from the start i'd like not too feel in love any more, so what?
... and in the last post, that i try to meet other people. -> i'm really trying to find someone else. it's hard. I'm trying to get out of this dead end situation with the posts here but it's like you just decided i was saying something else. so can you read before writing?

if you want to phantazise and say bad things about imaginary situations, if that makes you feel good, please have a chat together ...out of this topic, as your comments have nothing to do with it.

perhaps people around you like to say other other people (may) suck, but that's of no help. in the end, for anyone. it's just making your ego feel superior and trying to control/manipulate people you're telling that to.
i'm trying to evolve, and understand, not to obey people who judge without reading.

there are rumours at my work. people say i sleep with 4 different men (!!) though i didn't touch any.
you really make me think of those people speaking about stories as if it were real and very important.
so now i'll do the same in this topic as at work, just ignore people who are talking about their fantasies.

i asked an honest question and i'd like you to respect it, thank you.

Karuna, what are you talking about? I am not saying anything judgemental about you. You asked how to not feel in love with your boss and I simply said by understanding it's wrong and unfair to feel that way about someone who is already taken. I am not saying anything bad about you, I am saying that's the answer.
I totally appreciate you want to move on and don't want to have these feelings - I was simply giving you advice on a way to stop having those feelings.

for instance

Rainman19 wrote:

angelinbluejeans wrote:@Rainman19
I agree totally with everything that you said, but for one portion of your response: you said, 'nothing is ever going to come of this'. We don't know that. We can only hope that is true...

Well yes I see what you mean, but if anything is to come of it she will cause a marriage to collapse, a man to cheat on his wife and leave her heartbroken, and what will happen if something comes of it - there will be a man who's life will be in turmoil going through a separation and divorce, may be he has kids too and they will see their family crumble apart, maybe lose their family home and what for, because some woman wanted their Dad who was married. Does Karuna want to be the reason all of that happens? ... but you don't go there unless you are just thoughtless and selfish.

karuna, I know you didn't like the quote by Rainman19 that you highlighted in your above post, but do you agree with his points?

Karuna, you are misunderstanding my posts. I am not labelling you as anything but I was simply saying that the way to not feel in love with your boss is to realise it is wrong to even go there, to think about how no good can come of it, just hurt and problems for everyone involved.
You seem to be thinking I am labelling you as all those things. I am not. I am simply saying if you can see how wrong it is to have feelings for your boss and nothing good can come of it then you can move on easier. But you seem to think I am being judgemental on you for some reason.

Karuna, since you completely misunderstand my messages, lets turn the scenario around on me, this has nothing to do with you ok, this is not judging you in any way so don't jump to any conclusions.

When I was at uni I had a really good friend on my course. He told all his friends he really fancied this girl on our course, and it happened to be someone I really liked too and I told him I thought she was really nice. Anyway, he asked her out and they started dating. I went out on nights out with them both amongst other friends and she was so lovely, such a great nature, so nice to chat to, she was intelligent, really great figure, pretty, etc., I found her really desirable and attractive. How did I stop feeling this way about her? Because I realised how wrong it was for me to think this way about my good friend's gf. That what could come of it? I would lose my good friend for selfish reasons, that you just don't do that to a friend and I should find my own gf not try to steal a friend's gf.

Now don't take any of that the wrong way as if I am saying you are trying to steal anyone's husband, all I am saying is the way to not feel in love with someone is to realise how wrong it is and you shouldn't even be thinking those things about that person.

Have I offended you with that?