Running out of time

• I am 34 (as of Feb 9th)
• Boyfriend is going on 51
• Together: 3 years, 7 months
• My diagnosis: BPD
• My bf’s isn’t diagnosed but I REALLY feel he’s a narcissist

I say I am running out of time bc I don’t remember the last time I’ve cried for 8+ days straight. I am very scared bc my thoughts are getting even more intense by the day. It has been an awful birthday and an awful pending V-day. Bf and I have lived together for at least 3 years. He claimed he was looking to buy a house and it was for us. He explained that he would add me on the title. I assisted by looking at houses and sending him pictures, as well as going with the realtor. During the beginning of this process, he told me to “back off” and that he wanted to handle certain things on his own. I didn’t understand bc this is what he said was ok for me to do. After an argument, it later comes out that I was NOT going to be on the title bc he didn’t want to “fight for his investment.”

We have gone through a lot but in our relationship but somehow stayed together. We’ve never taken from each other, but he claimed bc he has gone through it in the past, he didn’t want to risk it again. This has been a major issue bc I wanted security. We once lived together and my name wasn’t on the least and when we’d get into an argument, he’d always tell me to get out. I didn’t want to go through that. We are currently living together, but after telling me to get out one last time, I finally got my own place. We reconciled and he moved in with me a year ago.
Now this place I stay in is a rental. He wanted me to break my least and move with him. Per the lease, I must give them 3x the rent to do so which he was willing to pay 2 months and I pay one. It was agreed.

He asked me to look at homes and send him pictures (bc of his work schedule). He finally put a contract based on my opinion alone. He came back from out of time, and confirmed that he liked the house. We move forward. Pending to close on 2 March.
NOW….
He mentions me moving in and all and after consideration I wanted security and it was a major issue that I wasn’t going to be on the title. I don’t want the house, I want it to feel like it belongs to “us” as he claims. That was a NO after many, MANY arguments. Told him I’d stay where I am then. He said he wanted me to come. Though I did as well, I felt I needed to put my foot down.
I then later suggested something he suggested to me, but I just wanted it on paper/notarized. Should he kick me out, I wanted something in writing offering me a 1 time payout for financial assistance so that I could find another place. That was also a NO (though he suggested it, he claimed his word should be good as gold – interesting, right?). He said if my security is at my house, I should just stay where I am. Timeline as to how long? I have no idea.

After many days/nights crying, I am feeling like I am losing him. I then today just submitted and was willing to go without any security whatsoever. Guess what…the answer was “NO – we need therapy. I don’t want to go to the new house with these issues.” This man moved in with me with these same issues and beforehand, called me begging to be together (when we were not living together). I suggested therapy then and wait until that worked itself out before moving back in. He didn’t want to have anything to do with that. He wanted to work on it together, while living together. Stupid me, I love him. Now, I just feel played. He didn’t give me a timeline for therapy and sadly, he came up with all of these decisions on his own. He claims we are partners but has made every decision as far as us and this moving together.

I have been losing it everyday: crying, screaming, yelling. I have been there for him through thick and thin. We have definitely gone through some things but I have always been there for him and of all people, he leaves me behind until he’s ready. Not once did this man asked me about my feelings/opinions on the matter. This is NOT a partnership but a dictatorship!

I have been horrible thoughts of suicide, wanting to cut myself, sad, crying all based on this situation of losing him. When we were last separated, it did not go well and I was scared for risking that again. This dude sees me crying and he just stares and says, “I understand.” I then asked him what if I were pregnant bc a few years back, he begged me to have a child. He then said, “that’s different, I wouldn’t want to split up my family.” That hurt me so bad bc all I have ever wanted was to be a part of his world, part of his family and he just confirmed he doesn’t see me that way. But you wanted me to have your child?!

Turning 34 is a blessing within itself bc with my current mental condition, it has been tough. I know this is long but trust me, there’s another 50 pages to my life in regards to this relationship that would blow your mind! At the end of the day, I love him and wish I didn’t. My brain sees my stupidity but my heart doesn’t.