"best friend" frequently in crisis

hi.

i am feeling emotionally exhausted by my best friend. she is the closest friend i have but she doesn't feel like a best friend in some ways.

i have felt myself becoming more distant from her lately. this is hard, because i have few friends and it feels very lonely to be distant from her. but i feel all this resentment and emotional exhaustion underneath due to the ways she's treated me over time.

she is frequently in crisis. she will be irresponsible with drugs and get herself into a situation where she feels she needs help. just now she phoned me intoxicated saying she had nowhere to stay because her parents kicked her out (again). i don't know how to react anymore. this probably happens approximately once a month. in her mind that is not very often, and she accuses me of being mean and petty when i sound angry on the phone after she's called me in a crisis. it's emotionally exhausting to always be the rescuer; i used to say she could always come stay at my place but now i ask her if she knows anyone else she can stay with. she gets upset at my cold tone and my asking if she can stay elsewhere, and responds by saying i don't love her and am being petty and bad energy and insults me.

i can't tell if i am reacting the right way or not. once a month is not that often (this is just my rough approximation), but after doing this so many times over the years i feel burnt out and i don't want to do it anymore. she is on her way here right now because she took it upon herself to come here while panicking on the phone, saying she had nowhere else to go, and i just didn't have the energy to argue or negotiate further so i said fine. i suggested a women's shelter before she decided to come here and she got very angry at the notion. i asked if she could stay at her boyfriend's house and she said no but did not explain why. i can't tell if i am being cold or reasonable. it's very hard to say 'no' to someone you care about but it's just so emotionally exhausting to be involved in these crises over time. maybe crashing at my place when she's intoxicated and vulnerable is not a lot to ask, which makes me question if i am being too harsh, but i'm just so tired of this. i don't know what to do.

Dear custard9:

Your "friend" established herself, in relationship with you, as the one who needs to be rescued, as the one who needs to be helped, and you- as the one supposed to do the rescuing, the helping. This is a Win-Lose proposition: Win for her, temporarily, as she crashes in your place and Lose for you- because this is exhausting and distressing to you.

Who is going to rescue you from this exhaustion and distress? Who is going to help you?

And this is key, for a relationship to be healthy, it needs to be a Win-Win proposition: the two people helping each other, at different times.

I would end any Lose-Win relationship any time I spot one in my life.

atina

Hi atina,

Thanks for your reply and sorry I am so late to respond - forgot I'd posted this.

You describe it simply and you're right, a relationship needs to be equal for it to be healthy. The thing that's confusing is that when I told her it's too much for me to help her in those situations, and she calls me cold and callous etc. - she implies that if I were ever in a situation like that she would always come and help me, so in her eyes, it is equal.

She is a loyal friend, and we've been friends for years.. but I don't get myself into situations like that, so there's no way to know how she would react if I came panicking to her in an intoxicated crisis state every few months. Maybe she would get tired after years of it, or maybe she would always be there to help me.

So it's not as black and white as win-lose. And she does help me in other ways, she gives me advice, offers me moral support, is a true friend in many ways.. but it doesn't stop me from feeling angry and resentful when I am put in this situation... and I just don't know if I have the right to feel that way.