Should I proceed with dating or seek help first? *TW*

I say things in this post that could make a lot of people think I am a bad person. Please know that anything I say that triggers you is not intended to be malicious. I would give anything for a normal mind.

I'm a male in my early 30s. I have a few issues when it comes to dating...

1. A variety of personality disorders have resulted in me being an inexperienced dater. I have spent almost my entire life being sexually inactive. I have replaced this with pornography / masturbation, which has severely damaged my view of sexuality. If women don't meet the unrealistically high standards pornography has programmed my mind with... I cannot sexually perform. No matter how much I fall in love with them on an emotional level, I cannot get an erection without pills (viagra) and never achieve orgasm. I hate myself for making the choices that have resulted in this programming and wish I could undo the damage ... but I am stuck with them for the moment.

2. I have avoidant personality disorder. I consider myself unattractive and fear negative thoughts from others if I date someone unattractive ... particularly overweight girls. I feel my strongest asset is people find me to be very confident, and dating an unattractive girl would ruin the one thing I think I have going for me. I also fear rejection when the above stated problem #1 becomes obvious to whomever I am dating.

So yet again, I find myself using online dating to locate girls I am very compatible with on an emotional / activities level. We had a first date, which went very well. They had a great time and really like me ... want another date soon. I also had a good time, and want to like them. I find them very interesting/talented and enjoy spending time with / talking to them. I do not find them attractive and am worried what peoples opinion of me will be if they see me dating someone unattractive. I am also scared of what will happen in the relationship when they realize I am having trouble performing because they don't meet those unrealistically high standards pornography has programmed my mind with. My plan has always been to blame it on some random medication I take or something like that. I don't want to hurt their feelings.

So how should I proceed? I am worried about triggering my own insecurities / personality disorder and causing myself even more emotional damage. I am even more worried about hurting the person I am dating. I am not sure if I should face this issue head on and continue ... or there are other avenues of healing I could go down before trying to date again.

Thanks for any comments you have.

Hello tertiary,

I think you may have answered your own question. Relationships seem to bring out the best in us and unfortunately, often times, the worst in us as well. Having a deeper connection with anyone puts us in a very vulnerable place. A Place where we can be hurt, and sometimes very badly.

If we chose a partner who may be wrong for us, is cruel, or mean that can be a problem in and of itself. But even if we chose someone who is very loving and caring, that can open up in us some very sensitive areas, areas we may have been carefully protecting. If those old wounds or sensitivities are somehow disturbed, we can lose our way.

These stressors can be exaggerated for someone who struggles with a Personality Disorder. It can feel like a factor of more then 1. The loss and hurt amplified.It would only be logical that you would protect yourself emotionally, if you perceived harm in any way. Or even, and perhaps worse, that you misperceived harm and reacting in a way that hurt someone else. Then your feelings may be amplified, not only feeling poorly about yourself, but also feeling poorly about the other person in your life, and any role you had in hurting them.

Based on what you wrote, it appears that being in a close, intimate relationship may cause you problems right now. Perhaps, it would better, to take care of you first. Because you are the most important person, to yourself right now. See how you can feel better about yourself and your life and get all of the assistance you need to do that.

It may be lonely initially. And we all want to have meaningful relationships in our lives. But perhaps we need a little help first in order to successfully manage that.

teritary, your post resonates with me on some levels. I am a few years younger than you (28) but I have trouble with dating due to anxiety and shyness. I feel your pain and it really sucks.

However, don't beat yourself up over sexual performance. I've had sex (out of pure luck) a couple of times myself and I learned how it's portrayed in porn or movies is far from reality. I fumbled around and the girls I was with didn't want to do certain things but they didn't tell me I was crappy in bed and they even said sex is something you have to work on. Both girls were on medication as well so orgasm wasn't something they could achieve easily either.

I have several "attachment issues," as my therapist calls them. I am 66 years old now, divorced twice, and barely dated at all until I married my first wife when I was 27. So I definitely know how you feel.

But what I want to address right now is your sexual dysfunction. You imply a couple of times that you have trouble getting erections with real women because they don't live up to the expectations you have from watching porn. But I don't think that's the reason for your dysfunction, especially if you are watching lots of porn (which I do, but I'm working on it). More likely you have Porn Induced Erectile Dysfunction, or PIED. It's caused by too much dopamine hitting the pleasure centers in your brain. Now I could be completely off base because I don't know your whole story, but I would highly recommend you check out the website yourbrainonporn.com and its affiliated forum, Reboot Nation.

Good luck to you, my friend.