My story.. Advice Please

Hi, i have no idea where to start. I don't know what's wrong with me but something is wrong, it's the feeling itself of me.

I am a 27year old Chinese female who grew up in a single parent family (my dad died when i was 7), planning for marriage next year. For Chinese, filial piety is an important part of life, and i always put my mother's needs first. I feel like a extension of her.

I feel smothered and there's a death grip on my neck. I am always walking on eggshells so as to make not her angry. I grew up thinking i am a horrible person and apologies for every thing that happens, until several people tells me
i am the nicest person they have met. I know i am an independent adult, but i can't seem to shake off my mum. Currently still staying with her till i get married and move out(due to financial issues).

She HATES my fiance and calls him really terrible names, and calls me terrible names. My fiance is trying to make me leave her and see that she is mentally abusive to me and she is controlling. She gets angry that i make decisions without
her, and when i do seek her opinion, she says she doesn't care and i should make my own decisions. I am always blamed for anything that happens, (my father dies and it's because i am a jinx to the family, she lost her wallet and i buy a similar
one for her and she say's that i am terrible for making her believe i found her wallet. i make a bracelet for her and she is rough with it and it breaks, she throws back to me and says i make bad quality items for her).

Basically my fiance and her DOES NOT GET ALONG and whenever they talk, it ALWAYS ends in a screaming match wih neither party wanting to "lose" the argument. She curses my impending marriage and says that the sooner i divorce, the better it is for everyone.

The reason she hates my fiance is because he is poor, he is not attractive and fat and that he is rude to her. She calls me a whore/slut/stupid whenever i mention his name, which caused me a lot of stress and i decided to hide my relationship with him by telling her we broke up. When she found out we are still together, she hate him even more.

I am feeling quite depressed and suicidal and have tried to seek help from counselors but the price and waiting list in my country is crazy so i am seeking online help. I am really at a lost and full of anxiety now, i get panic attacks often and feel like alittle lost lamb.

loststars89,

The things you say are very impressive. You must be a very brave and resilient to withstand that. I don't know about your fiance, but it seems like you'll be better off with him, regardless of him being poor.

Seems like a situation which you can't escape right now, but part of what makes you a prisoner are your beliefs. When you say "filial piety is an important part of life", I think this is ok. But when you say "i can't seem to shake off my mum" and other things, you seem to be frequently seeking for her approval, relying on her to feel worthy, important, significant, etc.

Is this normal? Well there is no normal. This is very common and it is natural for kids to expect that, but ideally she should have provided you with a good sense of self when you were young, so that you did not depend on her approval anymore as a grown up to maintain your self-esteem. My sister is a grown up and still depends on family approval, and this is common, but in her case this is not so much of a big problem, so it's not really unhealthy. But in your case, it is being very unhealthy for you.

Seems to be the way you were molded, but does not need to be this way, and it can gradually be changed. If you think about some middle east cultures were mother is prohibited to have any kind of affection to the boy, you can see that we can survive well within a different context.

With the same thought, you'll feel better if you and your fiance give up on having her approval of your relationship. I know that won't be easy, but I hope it helps to be aware to the fact that those beliefs of you are contributing for your pain and that it is up to you to challenge them.