Am I being emotionally abused?

Hi
I'm new on these forums, and need advice with a long distance, serious relationship. I met this girl on an online dating thing, and since then we have met 4 times (she lives about 12hrs away by road) A bit about me - I'm a kinda conservative guy, and I'm kind of interested in living a calm, no-drama, zen kinda life. I also tend to come off as aloof. Before this I was in a relationship for 4 years (with very few arguments)

The girl i'm dating is quite sweet, very pretty, highly emotional (opposite to me in that regard, I rarely show emotions, and I've told her about that too, she dislikes it) and I'm sure she really does love me a lot. Only, when I hurt her by not showing enough emotions or attention, she gets super angry. The problem is these angry episodes, the fights that follow, and the insults they contain.

During these fights she often breaks up with me (which are cancelled out the next day) I'm totally not used to fake breakups, as I consider it a childish things to do. Every fake breakup takes a toll on me. She needs a lot of attention and obsessing over
, and is probably used to getting it too (and gets angry when I fail to give it) Daily calls of about 1-2 hrs are a necessity, and these calls actually scare and pressurize me - if they don't happen, expect a day long fight. By my nature, I dont like phone calls at all so this becomes a point of irritation for me - spending 1-2 hrs on the phone after work while trying to work on my side business as well.

She says her anger comes fast, and goes away fast too - she says when she's angry she says things she doesn't mean.
Often during our fights, she threatens to cancel her trip to my place (but it never gets cancelled in the end, and we're pretty happy to meet each other. In 4 real life meetings, we've had 2 fights, both times over something small - she got angry about how I didn't do what was expected and what facial expression I gave in reaction to something she suggested we do)

Before her last trip here, we'd had a bad arguement. She called me at the end of the day, and I didn't pick it up. Later she texted me how she needed me cause she'd had an accident, and I wasn't there for her She came to my place wearing a bandage on her arm, but when she took it off, there was absolutely no sign of any wound to be seen. None at all. That kinda stuff scares me. Was she making up the accident story to make me see how I was letting her down?

After arguments, she often will put up a picture of her with another guy (usually this "very close" guy friend of hers) as her whatsapp DP. What's that about? Coincidence? She will also say things like "I hate you" during an argument. Is that a bit immature?

I also get threatened by her: Recently we started arguing about what was the more efficient way to book a ticket- phone call or online - that escalated quickly, and she ended up saying "If you can make me feel small, I can do worse to you"
And "If you make me feel like I'm worthless I'll show you what your worth is in my life" (which is in response to me sending rolling eyes smileys and talking about how online booking is better)

I pointed out to her that she has a hurting mentality and hurts me intentionally which is in reaction to me hurting her by mistake because im blunt - her reaction - "thats equality - if u make me feel good, ill do ten times more of that, if u make me feel bad, ill make u feel worse"
Me "you dont get it. whatever i do is unintentional. it hurts you. that happens. rather than telling and explaining nicely u just decide to hurt me"
Her " We've been thru this many times, so cool, ill choose to hurt u, even if thats intentional"

Once I got so angry and frustrated at an argument that I almost had a breakdown - causing me to go offline. When I came back, despite telling her why I went offline, I got abused for being selfish

My weaknesses and personality flaws, that I've opened up to her about (feeling insecure about not being fun, and sometimes wondering if there is something psychologically wrong with me) are sometimes brought up in arguments:

Me: " shudve asked u to stop texting some time back,i was going to, instead i reacted, all this sickness cud'v been avoided"
Her: " good, some reactions out of your dull personality"

She wants to be obsessed over, and I'm not used to doing that:

Her: "its just that all these little things that i expect in return.. u fail to do that and then it gets me thinking oh is it really worth it?
Me: "we;re internally just way too different. it creates conflict even if we want to make it work"
Her:"i have the habit of them obsessing over me even tho we werent in the same college or same friend circle.. neither did i see them everyday" references to past relationships, putting me down - thinks being obsessed over is a healthy thing - she expects it from me
Me: "having a habit of being obsessed over is not exactly a good thing no?"
Her: "it is! i like to know that i mean so much to them and that they have eyes only for me.. i like it"
"u cant do that, thats ur problem. dont tell me whats healthy for me"


Last night's argument that prompted me to write this post (also, she's pmsing so you may keep that in mind) :


Our mood was good, and we were flirting - she was telling me what she likes about the things i do with her. When it was my turn to tell what i like about her, I went offline for about 4 minutes as i got busy (yes, BAD timing) The timing became such an issue that she said goodnight, gave a couple of one word replies when i said why i went offline, (ok, cool) and then finally when i said goodnight i guess in return to her saying it, she said "f*** you"

I asked her to see how she was reacting to something small, she made sure i knew she was "talking to people", and also changed her dp to a photo with that best guy friend of hers.

We're also supposed to go to a concert together next month. So while telling me off, she says "this time my ego will stand in between; and yeah.. I'm not coming for the concert; I'm going with (another guy who also has tickets) if i feel like it.


I tried explainging that she gets hurt easily, and my fault is that im not good at handling others emotions, so it looks like i dont care, and that increases her anger, I told her she needs a guy who worships her.
She said "No, u actually don't care about other people's emotions"
I told her that i do but I'm bad at expressing it.

She said "if they are more emotional than you (which almost everyone is) you feel theyre clingy - again, which almost everyone is part made me feel emotionally abnormal - like targeting my weakness.

I told her that's "everyone" that she knows, not everyone in the world - in reaction, she starts insulting me about having friends on the internet (which i dont really have) "who are supposedly dead inside and you feel like wow someones out there who's like me."

I had told her earlier about how my friends talk behind my back. She used that in this argument - "your friends b*tch about you, i guess i win here."

I said "doesnt matter. It makes me stronger"
Her : "makes u lonely. Fake friends" - making me feel i have no friends/ support system.

She began to name them, and said even they have more emotions than me. I replied: "and u, who takes pleasure in all that and feeds off it to make me weaker"
Her "if u can do that, two can play the game" - i call her a disgusting human being

Then i again I try to explain to her how it started because I hurt her unintentionally, she does it intentionally - thats the difference

She later calls me close minded that i cant treat her like one ( in reference to me saying shes used to being treated like a princess)

I tell her that she doesn't understand me and end up admitting im weird and r*tarded by the end, but that doesnt mean i dont love her

Later in the day, she apologized for overreacting.





Questions:

Am I crazy? Am I abusing her in any way? All this is making me lose my confidence and is making me weaker. We've had some really good times, because of which I don't want to lose this relationship in case I'm doing something wrong. If I was wrong all along and didn't understand it (because I'm a sociopath or something apparently) and ended up losing her because of my fault, then I'll feel pretty terrible.
Is she emotionally abusing me and manipulating me? Our relationship is going to end soon because of the frequent fights and the distance, but I still need to know that I'm not going crazy. Or I need some sort of an explanation. Which is why I'm sharing all this here

Thanks for reading through all that.

Hey anon4108,

Just my belief based on what you wrote...

This reads like the start of a relationship where you'll spend it walking on eggshells most of the time, proving you care, and also no matter what you do, she will find a way to test you again and again, and then... again over and over.

Longer term, there will be no peace, there will be drama, and the longer it goes on, the more anxious and depressed you risk becoming. There will be no keeping her happy, and things will get worse once the honeymoon phase is behind you. You will feel increasingly worse about yourself.

The deeper question to ask though, why? You seem like a good guy, but good guys (or good women) sometimes choose a partner that is emotionally abusive. There are reasons why we pursue someone who treats us poorly, who tests us, who is never happy long. Maybe time to put her wants/needs aside for a bit and ponder what you want/need, and why this relationship that you intellectually know is not healthy, but emotionally you need/want this.

"She later calls me close minded that i cant treat her like one ( in reference to me saying shes used to being treated like a princess)

I tell her that she doesn't understand me and end up admitting im weird and r*tarded by the end, but that doesnt mean i dont love her"

Whoa, she's got a strong sense of entitlement, used to being treated like a princess.

No, you're not weird and r*tarded, but you've got this issue of wanting to retain this ideal relationship. Hate to say this, but "ideal" is not realistic.

xdude wrote:Hey anon4108,

Just my belief based on what you wrote...

This reads like the start of a relationship where you'll spend it walking on eggshells most of the time, proving you care, and also no matter what you do, she will find a way to test you again and again, and then... again over and over.

Longer term, there will be no peace, there will be drama, and the longer it goes on, the more anxious and depressed you risk becoming. There will be no keeping her happy, and things will get worse once the honeymoon phase is behind you. You will feel increasingly worse about yourself.

The deeper question to ask though, why? You seem like a good guy, but good guys (or good women) sometimes choose a partner that is emotionally abusive. There are reasons why we pursue someone who treats us poorly, who tests us, who is never happy long. Maybe time to put her wants/needs aside for a bit and ponder what you want/need, and why this relationship that you intellectually know is not healthy, but emotionally you need/want this.

Thank you. I know it's not worth it in the long run, and after researching and reading responses on other websites I decided I had to end it soon. I kind of wanted to check whether I was making any mistake by not being good enough - and that was clarified by most of the responses I got.

I don't know if I'm a good guy in the traditional sense - i'm kinda rude, blunt and arrogant. Most people don't tend to like me much (I think) except close friends. Actually I'm not sure if they bitch about me too. But hey, they say they care.

Anyway, I called her up today to have a "talk about us". I told her the doubts I have about us and let the conversation segue into considering a break up. Weirdly enough she didn't try to stop me at all. She said that since I have all these doubts and issues then we should just call it off. That was kind of the reaction I was hoping not to see - that put the doubt back in my head. She's not trying to stop me, maybe there's nothing wrong with her? She also asked me if I'm bringing all this up then why don't I just let go? What's stopping me? After everything had been talked about she said she'd rather end it right now rather than prolong it. Eventually my phone battery died, and we couldn't finish the conversation. You could say we've broken up now, but there'll be a call later to end it (the call) properly.

All that makes me wonder that if my prolonging all this and not making a decision - keeping her hanging in limbo means that I'm the one who's kind of abusing her? That's the "what if" scenario I want cleared up. That thought messes with my head.
I'll get back to you with how it turns out in the end. Thanks for the help!

I have a younger brother who admits very bluntly that he is a sociopath, though I don't believe he has ever been formally diagnosed. After reading about them, I have to agree with him. Your girlfriend seems to have several similarities to him. They don't care much about how you feel except for how that relates to THEM.

One thing that I read that has been a HUGE clarity point for me is that:
Sociopaths don't worry about how they make others feel.

Just say that out loud to yourself a couple of times and let it sink in. All of a sudden the world of chaos that swirls around them starts to make a little more sense. Try to apply that sentence to your girlfriend and see if it feels correct. Try to apply it to you and see if it feels correct. I'm not saying that this is a fool-proof test or anything, but it definitely has helped me to stop obsessing over whether I was the crazy one or not in certain relationships.

Second:
Go watch the 1944 movie "Gaslight". Yes it is old. Watch it. You can rent it on amazon for $3.

The second guessing yourself and wondering "is is really me?" also sort of subsides then. When you take both of these points into consideration; the perspective of a person who truly does not feel empathy, and simultaneously can be very intentionally manipulative, you can sort of breath a small sigh of relief that you really aren't as crazy as you feel.