A trying night with my bpd spouse

I'm looking for some encouragement. My bpd spouse and I have been married for 11 years. I love him immensely and it's painful to see him struggle with his stress, emotions, anger, etc. I can usually handle the roller coaster fights, (it's been years of this), so while it's exhausting, I'm usually ok after things calm down. I am very concerned how these episodes are effecting the kids (age 7 and 4). They've watched too many times their kind dad turn into a crazy monster (their words). Today, was our birthday (we have the same birthday) and much to my unhappiness my husband strated baiting me via text. After several failed attempts to berate me and engage me in a fight via text, he stopped. When he got home, he started in again, furious that his life was "just as boring" as last year and how it was my fault nothing had changed. It's a pretty common conversation lately, but when I refused to engage and ignored it to make dinner, he kicked it up a notch, in front of the kids, yelling how terrible a wife I was. I do know that he wanted extra attention today and I do know he hates acting out in front of the kids, but... what really pushed me off the edge was that it was my birthday too and I just didn't want to spend it arguing. I lost my composure and just started sobbing, we all have a point where we can't take it anymore. The kids ran to my side showering me with kisses and saying "don't cry it's your birthday." Hours later, apologies given all around, the house quiet again.... but I'm still upset. I know he can't help it, but geez, I'm so sad and frustrated and most of all feel just awful that the kids had to jump to my aid. Now my head is swimming with whether I am being selfish staying with my love knowing it's a toxic environment for the kids. Divorce is often discussed, but we both really do love each other and have since we were teens. I get hysterical when I think of him trying to go through this alone. It's just been a really bad night.

hi and welcome,
I am so sorry to hear about your spoiled birthday, i can see you are a loving wife and have give 11 years to your relationship/marriage and you do try and understand him and his moods

Its hard to see from the other side sometimes (im BPD) and your post gives insight for many people. self realization sometimes is needed to give the pwBPD a (push) to allow then to think ..."mindfullness"

Many times in my case its not about being selfish ..sometime is not even about the person that it effects and thats the problem, the"others people" have trouble understanding. (sometimes we dont even know) so yes it is confusing and i take my hat off to you for being so strong and supportive.

Your right it was you birthday too and im sorry he couldn't share your amazing double birthday together in happiness (believe me he will be feeling guilty and annoyed at himself) for spoiling your day ..im 99% sure of that (i realize it cant help now) but i just wanted to say it

11 years wow, good for you
but as you said the worry is with the children, if they are relating to him as a "monster" when he acts out they must be protected from this as you know (i know it comes without a warning) and thats the hard part.

Is he in therapy atm? ..i cant remember if you said or not.
he needs to help (tools) to manage his emotions DBT is a good way to learn some skills in mindfulness. maybe chat with him when he is calm and maybe watch a few DBT videos and see if its something that he is willing to try.

Thank you for the reply. He is not in therapy atm, but I am. We've gone through so many therapists through the years and after 2-3 sessions he finds a reason to stop going. The only thing I have left is to threaten to leave, but I know I won't do it, so I'm not putting it on the table. I really think he'd feel a lot better, because he does always feel so upset after exploding in front of the kids and I and ruining family events, weekends, mornings etc. I just feel resentment starting to creep in and I know it's only going to lead to a bad outcome, it's terribly sad.

Resentment is what i had in the end of mine that why you need to get him back in so sort of therapy. i know its hard and believe me ive been on both sides of the coin. hard situations i know.

And i agree "dont put that on the table" sometimes we sabotage ourselves and it bites us in the ass.

work on the resentment , dont allow that in your heart ..its a dark feeling (i hated that myself)
try to enjoy something with him again what every you both like and truly be grateful for that moment. because triggers blow all the "good" in people and we have to start again and its sad it really is ..especially when people love each other and then spoil it when they snap unintentionally

Good luck though, i know how hard (i can be) and its awful

Lalabear,

Same things happen with me. Almost 4 years together here.

At least your husband cares about not acting out in front of the kids. Here she does not seem to care. They are kids from my previous marriage (age 6/7), not hers. So she sees them as competition and blames them for all kinds of frictions she has with me when they are around (they are half of the time with me, half with my ex-wife).

Sometimes, while I'm with them locked up in a room or hanging outside home, I have to explain them why did she behave like that and remind them that she does love them despite the bad things she says when she is angry. My older daughter used to ask me "when will she get better?", but that was just a reflection of the hope I had (which I do not have anymore).

The thing you wrote about "baiting me via text" with "several attempts to berate me and engage me in a fight" also happens here if she is not at home, such as when we were living separated for a couple of months. The phone at least can be ignored and does not touch you or shout on you.

What Echinacea said about resentment is true. A couple of days I managed to cools things off, validate her, and then she agreed in apologizing about the name calling, and my daughter also apologized for a small lie told days before (which ended up being a trigger), then they hugged each other. But I would not be able to do that if I was filled with resentment.

So try to get rid of resentment, because if you don't will feed into a growing snowball of conflicts. Easier spoken than done, I know. Very hard to let go things like that when you have do not understand were they came from, especially when it happens in moments that you expected to be special, to be pleasurable. Very hard to anticipate if a given moment will be pleasurable or tragic, or start as pleasurable then become tragic.

At first, this intermittent pattern can lead you to persist and try harder. But then you see it is false hope. So over time you give up and drop off all of your positive expectations of having rewarding moments with your family. And when you do not expect to have such reward, you loose all of your motivation. Which in my case explains why I'm struggling with anhedonia.

It's not that simple though. There are those moments when everything goes well and it is so good. The moments when everyone was happy playing around in the beach, in the park, in birthdays that did go on well. Moments which you remember so vividly and full of colors were everyone has a smile in their faces... Even you. But you never know when they will happen again. It is so confusing... isn't it?

And sometimes it takes me a couple of days to understand what went wrong in a given moment.

There are some things in your post I'd like to comment later, but gotta go now...