Erotic pics of ex-colleagues on my boyfriend's computer

My boyfriend had to move in another city for several months due to business reasons. All summer I traveled in my days off (weekends) more than 13 hours to his place and back, just to see him. I love him very much. Our relationship started about 4 years ago. He has always been very kind and lovely with me.

During my last visit, I had to upload pictures from my phone to his computer. The random place, on which his computer proposed me to download files, was a folder with many other pictures. Because of the preview mode, I saw well known faces of women - our mutual colleagues - on these pictures.

I decided to change the folder and downloaded my pictures in 'Downloads'. On the next day he had a lot of job outside. I could not restrain myself from uploading his private folder onto my google drive.

He had a big collection of erotic pictures in there. Most of the 'stars' were our female ex-colleagues. One of them was his previous girlfriend, another one - some crush, etc. The biggest number of erotic shots belonged to a colleague, for who he insisted in front of me, that she is very good friend of him and there is nothing more between them.

Mixed with all these almost nude pictures of colleagues, there were many pics of porn stars - a bit retro, but nothing special.

It is hard to describe my feelings. On the one hand, I was relieved that he is 'normal, and does not have some weird porn fantasies. On the other hand, I was disappointed that he masturbates over the pictures of exactly that women I always suspected of having some risky relationships with him. I was also surprised that all the women in the 'erotic collection' were so ordinary and literally ugly. The next feeling was for a Deja-vu - as I had always known that he had erotic pictures of these women for his special moments alone.

There were four pictures of me. Many times during the next 4 years, he asked me to send him selfies, and once I tried to make couple of more teasing ones. He obviously had saved them at the most appropriate place. So to speak, my entrance in the contest 'Naked ugly whores' was humble.

Now I have a gut feeling what I have to do. But I know it will cause me so much pain, because of all beautiful things I used to relate with him, which these pictures were not. That is why I am just sitting, trembling and procrastinating. I am wandering weather I could continue as nothing happened, face the facts calmly, and try to believe him again. It seems impossible, but hard to admit it. I am afraid that deep inside I am crushed and it will get worse. I try to prevent this disaster, but I don't know how.

Probably I have to talk with him and to admit all - that I have dug through his computer; that I have found evidence for his dishonest behavior and lies. But before that I have to decide what I want - to stay in this relationship, or to go. And if I decide to stay, how to cope with all these emotions, disappointment and distrust.

Please, help me to correct my English grammar mistakes. Just kidding, because I am not a native English speaker and I was afraid to share this in English

Now seriously: Dear people, I am very sad and confused. I will be very grateful and I will appreciate any of your comments and advices.

Hi Elena,

In modern Relationships there can be latitude to what each party may consider harmless and acceptable where others may deem them inappropriate. A lot of this depends on culture, generational issues, and what is viewed as flexibility within the confines of a partnership.

There is also the concept of "boundaries" within the relationship. This is correlated to what I wrote above. Boundaries are those sets of conditions that we feel must be present to have any satisfactory relationship. It could be issues such as fidelity, loyalty, empathy and the respect of others feelings. It could be openness and honesty.

Now Boundaries are individualized. There are no standards. This is your personal map of how you want to be treated, and the things, mannerisms and traits you look for in another person. No right or wrong, with boundaries necessarily. As long as both parties are on the same page.

In addition, many people may have a liberal view of these things or lean to conservative. My comments here are on the conservative side.

It is not unusual for both people to have periodic attraction to others outside of the relationship. But that is where it ends in my view. We never act on any urges, or impulses, or attractions. We let it go at that. The main reason? Well we care for someone else. And while we may find another man or woman appealing, we are happy, content, within our relationship. After all, why are we with someone if we are not getting our needs met?

In my view, what your BF is doing is wrong. Fantasizing about other women, and then acting on those fantasies (pictures, masturbation, lusting, etc) will only lead to bad things in the future in my view. What is he missing by being with you? And if being with you is not enough for him, then why doesn't he communicate that? It is a lack of respect and care for you in my opinion. Especially ex's or women you know.

I would feel the same way about social media, i.e.facebook, etc. While some think it is harmless to post on FB, have friends, and flirt, I think it is destructive. It breeds shallowness, superficiality, and Narcissism. It does not build commitment or trust. ( Hey, I am conservative). If you need to flirt, then why are you with someone? You should not have your cake and eat it too.

So in my view, you need to confront him on this issue. It is harming you. You do not like it. He needs to decide that you are important enough to him to stop this destructive behavior. If he chooses not to, then I think you have better options then stay with a man who rather fantasize about other women then care for you.

Dear Mark,

Thank you so much for your reply! I really needed to receive such an intelligent and humane comment from somebody, who is not emotionally involved, in order to gather my thoughts.

What you call conservative, for me is synonymous with normality. Throughout my life so far I have tried to find someone, with whom to feel good together, to be honest with each other and have, as you say, a common understanding about the boundaries.

I have already left several partners for various disparities and problems in the relationship. With my current boyfriend I thought I finally managed to choose the right partner for myself. I always knew what kind of person and relationship I need. When I have not found it, I have told to myself - I will not give up, I'll keep trying, until it light (by analogy with Thomas Edison, who made thousands of unsuccessful attempts before the light bulb, which he invented, to light).

I hope this is not another such unsuccessful experience, but I really needed encouragement and support from someone, before talk with my boyfriend, and decide what to do next with my life.

Thanks again!

Hi Elena,

Another thought for you...

Men who use eroticism, pornography, or other distractions such as these can exhibit intimacy issues. They use these "tools" as escapism, as a flight from being more genuine and open with the women in their life. They feel "safe" doing this because there is no one else there, to interact with, to express, be open and vulnerable. It allows them to "feel", when they are afraid to feel with you.

I have known some men like this over the years. They always claim it was harmless. Yet, it drove a wedge between them and their significant others. They pursued this escape until it became a literal addiction. Eventually, they shut out their partners completely and this led to dissolution of marriages and relationships.

Is your BF fine with you otherwise? Does he spend time with you in meaningful conversation? Is he willing to share with you, be open, and genuine? Can he be intimate with you?

Perhaps, just perhaps, something else is going on here. He is not himself. However, the picture of the ex's and women in the office are major red flags. (Why are these women sending him these things too-has he encouraged it?)

I think you can only do one thing. Have a heart to heart to work this issue out. Again, if he unwilling to see how this harms you, then it is perhaps time to let him go.

Good luck!

Mark, it was really priceless comment!

You have no idea how much I tried to figure out why my boyfriend almost does not need sex with me. This astonished me at the beginning, because he was blindly in love with me, long and strongly courted me, he was the most romantic man I've ever met, and when he won me, he delayed the intimacy for three months.

I thought at first that something with his body was wrong, but when we finally left alone, it turned out that he was functioning decently. But the problem of rare sex still exists. He just avoids to remain alone with me. He would not sleep at home when I invite him. He would always invent reasons to leave in the evening. When he invites me to his house, he has to sleep on the first floor, while me - on the second floor, because his dog walks around and barks all night, he should open the door for him to go out and come back, and it would upset my sleep.

I myself am highly sexual and intuitive. It never happened to me before to have a relationship and my boyfriend not to seek intimacy with me. I talked to my boyfriend on this issue many times. I told him that our irregular sexual life bothers me. I wondered if he finds me attractive enough, and he always replied that I am the best, etc. According to his explanations, we don’t have opportunities, because we live in different places (additionally, he has many reasons why at this stage we cannot afford to live together); he has to walk his dog; he has to work overtime, and more.

I live in a big enough own apartment, so I invited him to live together at home, but he refused on the grounds that he would like to start our common life in a new place, from scratch.

In the rare moments when we have sex, he usually has a good erection and tries to satisfy me with great diligence. He himself, however, in most cases refuses to go to the end. He finishes very rarely and I feel like this torments him – he does it as an obligation, as a result of the conversations with me, in which I insisted that my pleasure from sex is not tantamount of received orgasms, but from the mutual supply of pleasure.

I asked him what does he like most in sex, what am I doing wrong. I even suspected that he might has some strange preferences (that is why I was relieved when I saw ‘normal’ erotic and porn photos on his computer). He claimed that I am the perfect and hottest woman and proceeded to invent reasons for refusing to go to the end – he had aching stomach; he was very tired from work; he had not slept well the night before, and others.

I desperately tried to find the reason for such a behavior, including on the Internet, but never found a meaningful answer. That is why I appreciate your comment so much!

I would like to share another inexplicable feature in his sexual behavior. When I do my best to look really sexy and irresistible - as I have long beautiful socks with lace, etc. - it almost kills his desire. His erection disappears. I tested 2-3 times, I saw that every time gives this result and since then I stick to a usual underwear.

Probably it seems like I'm dealing with a clinical case, but actually - beyond narrative - he's a wonderful person, very smart, resourceful, sacrificial, caring, loving and kind, and I really wanted to give us a chance. Yes, he has difficulties to share personal things, he is also very closed, but I attributed it to the fact that he is an introvert.

Once I dreamed that we travel in a bus. He was sitting next to me, but caged in a cube of Plexiglas, looking ahead. I see him and talk to him, trying to get him to notice me, knock on the walls, but fail to get his attention.

Mark, thanks to your experience with similar people, and your kindness to answer my topic, I received a feedback from that cage for the first time!

Elena,

Be careful. Do not take quick conclusions. I think this is very common, to keep a collection of pictures of girls in your computer. I have always kept sexy pictures of my ex, preferably nude. They were both trophies, to remind me of how capable I am, and also post cards, to remind me of pleasurable moments I had. Those trophies were very important for me to feel masculine and have a good self-esteem. I didn't need to look at them frequently. Only when I was afraid of being left alone. As post cards, they reminded me of how powerful the attraction chemistry is, and how it changes us.

I was a super shy boy, deeply introvert, which did not even try to fit into any group. I had my first girl-friend early, but after then, spending just two years without one was like not being alive. Probably because I did not create any affectionate relationship with anyone. Then those pictures helped me to feel better, trust myself, overcome my shyness, etc.

It's was not so much as a source of masturbation. For that there are much prettier girls over the internet and hardcore sex videos like in pornhub.

The biggest number of erotic shots belonged to a colleague, for who he insisted in front of me, that she is very good friend of him and there is nothing more between them.

He could be speaking the truth. They may be just friends now. Even if they were more than just friends in past. After all when you asked him about her, you asked about the present, didn't you?

His sexual behavior with you is odd, but there are many possibilities to explain that. For instance, anhedonia, which I am experiencing, can remove all of the pleasure in everything that was previously pleasurable, including the orgasm. I didn't experience this effect in orgasm, but many do.

Or he could be so much worried about providing you with the best pleasure and about loosing you that he could not concentrate on his own orgasm. This happened to me once in my first night with a girl I had such a huge crush on, so I gave her 6 orgasms while I had probably just one. Because I was not really relaxed. Though I don't think this effect would last for 4 years.

Finally, maybe he implanted those pictures for you to find and then think that he has a normal sexuality?

So, I'd be cautious before taking it as a sign of disrespect. If you want to confront him (maybe you already did) remember that in justice one is innocent until proven otherwise.

Dear PsyHealer,

Thank you for your post.
I have already spoken with my boyfriend several times on that topic, in order to understand his point of view, trying to calm down myself. Maybe he has similar reason as yours: 'Those trophies were very important for me to feel masculine and have a good self-esteem', even though he didn’t admit it. I find basis for such thinking in his strange behaviour when I am jealous. Usually, I feel terribly ashamed by my jealousy, trying not to show it off. I don't want to obsess him, limiting his contacts with other people.

When I feel weak, vulnerable and threatened by other women, I expect him to be annoyed. Actually, he looks very enlivened and happy. He told me that I am flattering him with my jealousy. It is hard for understanding. To me, jealousy has more negative, than positive side. It is often irrational and risky for the relationship. Too deep and strong to be treated like a harmless spice, or to use it for raising self-esteem.

Anyway, as you said, I will not take quick conclusions. I love him very much and I really want to continue with him. But I am still very insecure and confused.

Concerning the part

“He could be speaking the truth. They may be just friends now. Even if they were more than just friends in past. After all when you asked him about her, you asked about the present, didn't you?”

Before the beginning of our story, they had short relationship. She had another (serious) partner at that moment and cheated on him with my boyfriend. According to my boyfriend, he was not informed about the other one. His relationship with this woman just ended within two weeks, because they were too different and did not match.

So far everything sounds normal, but they have met each other regularly (ostensibly as friends to drink coffee, etc.) until today, at very irritating circumstances: He does everything possible to meet with her alone, without me. He even does not inform me before these meetings. He tells me later. For example, "I met with X, she complained that her boyfriend does not want to have sex with her. She was very upset," etc. It pisses me off every time! I asked him how would he feels like, if I have secret meetings with some of my former lovers, in order to complain them of my irregular sex life.

Except for this woman, all other friends of him are also mine. Sometimes he goes to see them alone, sometimes we go together. With her he insists to have private meetings only. Of course, he did not say it directly, but choose a time when I am on the gym, or I have another arrangement, in order to see her. Sometimes he even lies me, that he is tired or have another job, to avoid meeting with me, because he already had planned to see her at the same time.

As I already mentioned, I know this woman, we were colleagues and we maintained good relations. She knows that he is with me now. If they both are only friends, what is the problem sometimes to "drink coffee" the three of us together? Apparently, there is something more between them and they try to keep it hided from me. And finally these pictures! That's why I am so angry at him. I have a feeling, that their relationship was terminated not because of incompatibility, but because she has chosen to continue with his previous partner. It seems like my boyfriend still has some crush on her and need to prove himself as a man.

Moreover, she initiates connections with him very often – they are talking on the phone, write messages to each other on Facebook, Viber, etc. When I saw her photos, he told me he would give me access to all his online resources, in order to assure me that he haven’t done anything wrong. Then he quickly wiped completely and irrevocably all his chats with this woman, to prevent me from seeing them. What should I think?!

I really want to stay with him, but If he continues with this behavior, I would consider to leave him. It will hurt very much, but it is worse for me to see how my cherished beliefs about him and our relationship proved to be illusions. After all the conversation we had, I hope he understood the risk. It depends on him whether he will be able to keep me in the future.

Do you have a reasonable explanation for his actions after I told you in detail about the specific case? Did any of your previous girlfriends knew about the naked pictures of your ex?

I'm sorry, your situation is harder than I thought initially.

Elena Nikolova wrote:He told me that I am flattering him with my jealousy. It is hard for understanding. To me, jealousy has more negative, than positive side. It is often irrational and risky for the relationship. Too deep and strong to be treated like a harmless spice, or to use it for raising self-esteem.

Jealousy, when not seen by the other part as exaggerated, can be a healthy aspect of the relationship. You seem to be very self-aware of your own behavior. So your jealousy is probably not being expressed in an exaggerated way, thus seems to accepted by him. He may have seen it as reinforcement of your feelings towards him. Maybe it also raised his self-esteem, as you suggest, in case it is very low.

In my current relationship, because I hardly ever express jealousy, when she thinks I am feeling jealous about some small thing, such as her dress, she opens a huge smile. Years ago she would cry stating that I was never jealous of her, but now she understands that I am not a jealous guy, that I don't express myself like she does, and that I trust her.

Did he see you crying and loosing your sleep? If he did not, then he might be unaware of how painful it is for you. If he did, then he is probably does not care (from what you wrote it does not seem like he has changed anything in his behavior).

If I see my partner very angry accusing and devaluing me, I just get angry too. But if I see her crying quiet, I feel like crying too and I feel sorry for whatever I have done that may have sent her to that state, even if it was something normal.

Elena Nikolova wrote:Anyway, as you said, I will not take quick conclusions. I love him very much and I really want to continue with him. But I am still very insecure and confused.

I see you have good reasons to feel insecure and confused, due to this very suspicious way he is behaving.

According to my boyfriend, he was not informed about the other one.

In such case, he would be innocent and she would be the one lying. But you said he lies to you, so he can't be that innocent. It would be much more convincing if he admitted fault sometimes.

Sometimes he even lies me, that he is tired or have another job, to avoid meeting with me, because he already had planned to see her at the same time. (...) When I saw her photos, he told me he would give me access to all his online resources, in order to assure me that he haven’t done anything wrong. Then he quickly wiped completely and irrevocably all his chats with this woman, to prevent me from seeing them.

That proves his word is unreliable.

He even does not inform me before these meetings. He tells me later. For example, "I met with X, she complained that her boyfriend does not want to have sex with her. She was very upset," etc.

I do not consider my current partner too jealous regarding other girls. At least she is way less than my ex-wife. However, if I did something like this, I would probably get an immediate slap on the face.

I asked him how would he feels like, if I have secret meetings with some of my former lovers, in order to complain them of my irregular sex life.

I would try to hide my angry feelings pretending that I was not offended and test him with some question to extract more information from him like: "Poor guy, Does she know how good that your erection is?"

The opposite of the situation he described would be a ex former lover of yours complaining to you about his sex life. It would be a good idea to pretend some situation like that. Just to help him to feel how it is to be on your shoes for a moment. Just need to make sure you don't make him insecure.

Once my ex had left me and was treating me terribly bad by phone, day after day, and not contacting me, etc. So I met her in the building's hall stating I had something to tell her, and said this:

"I have been very lonely, I miss you in my bed, I think you don't care for me as you did before and I don't know what is going on or what are your intentions. I don't know if you want to meed someone else, as you have done in past, yet I don't want to put you against a wall or to insist in having answers. After all, you are the owner of your life. And so am I."

Then I wrote "IIAF" in a blurry mirror with my fingers, and continued:

"Pay attention to this letters IIAF. They will explain everything I'll tell you now from now on. Ok? Well, something happened with me. After some time away from you, I had to find someone to talk to. Someone sensible enough to understand me. And I found, a female friend. I was very sad, depressed, and she heard me, understood me, cared for me, etc. We went to the beach, with friends, and later she invited me to her place. I got to know her parents and they liked me. Very nice family, in which I felt comforted. She has a very gorgeous body but is single. So once I felt like touching her and kissing. We got close, but I stepped back. Because I didn't feel it was right to start a relationship with her since you and I had not officially broken up yet. So I have been thinking about her, but also about you, because I love you, but I'm more attracted to her than I ever remember being. So I because I feeling confused, now knowing what to do, I choose to come by, tell you my reasons and break up now. I'm sorry, but I need to be happy."

At this point she was all in tears. Her rejection feelings dissolved. So I said:

"Now relax let me tell you one thing. Remember that letters I wrote, IIAF, I'll now tell you what do they mean. Guess what."

She said: "They are the initials of her name?"

"No. This story I told you was just to help you to remember something you seem to have forgotten. The feelings you have for me and how important I am for you. The IIAF letters that describe everything I said mean IT IS ALL FAKE. I have not met anyone. Not at all. Yet it is true that I miss you and I want to be with you."

Because I was an excellent actor, she fully believed me while I was faking it and really felt how would it be for her if I did that. She actually took some time to believe it was all fake. So the trick worked. Many years went by and she never again pushed me away.

If they both are only friends, what is the problem sometimes to "drink coffee" the three of us together? Apparently, there is something more between them and they try to keep it hided from me.

My partner was having some slightly suspicious conversations with a guy from her university. I never repressed her. But a given day I went there without notice to pick her out. Got to know her friends and could observe that she was very comfortable but he, on the contrary, became serious and nervous. They never again talked to each other. He changed his university campus to a far place. So my conclusion, based on everything I know about her, was that although there was an attraction between them, she did not have any intention of cheating on me, but he did have intentions of the kind, like pulling her away from me.

I really want to stay with him, but If he continues with this behavior, I would consider to leave him.

Chances are he will continue with this behavior.

It will hurt very much, but it is worse for me to see how my cherished beliefs about him and our relationship proved to be illusions.

Oh yeah, that's the worst part. Disillusions...

After all the conversation we had, I hope he understood the risk. It depends on him whether he will be able to keep me in the future.

Unfortunately risks are not very useful to be just understood when they are not felt. For instance I am very risk taking, because I like the adrenaline and I'm fearless. Sometimes I purposely choose the most risky path and only back up after things are so bad that I'm truly afraid. I'm thinking about sports, but it also applies to relationships.

If right after your most angry day you had remained in that state and all kind of contact with him for a short period, maybe just a couple of days, then he would be able to feel the risk. This may sound like manipulative silent treatment, but it is not if driven by genuine feelings. Just wanted to give you an example of how it can be helpful to express your negative feelings too, sometimes.

Do you have a reasonable explanation for his actions after I told you in detail about the specific case?

No, sorry. I can't say if he is having an affair and finds it exiting to do it secretly or if they are just close friends and he hides because you get anxious and press him. Anyway, if he is lying to you then that should be an important relationship for him. It is very good that you allow him to have his freedom, but for that to work he would to be transparent with you. Right the opposite of what he is doing.

Did any of your previous girlfriends knew about the naked pictures of your ex?

My current partner knew. I choose to be 100% honest with her, so years ago I told her about it. She was happy to know and asked to see the pictures and insisted a bit. I didn't show her any naked picture because this would be disrespectful with the ex, but I showed her some of the not-naked pictures. I regret that because it fueled her "benchmarking" tendencies. She said she was not comfortable with me having those pictures, and asked me to delete. I refused, because I did not open myself with her to be reprehended, but I did understand her insecurity. So I told her I would put them aside, that she should not worry because she was the best (and it's true) and all I would ask her was to have pictures of her so I could watch while she was not at home and remember her best angles. So she trusted me and through the years has given me so many good pictures. She likes to know that I look at those pictures when things go wrong between us.

By that time I didn't know she suffered from BPD and our relationship would be so hard. But other girls are not what we have trouble with it. One of the things she most admires in me is my honesty. And the music she chose to represent our relationships is "Billy Joel - Honesty" (link)

Being honest does not mean necessarily to be loyal. It means that I won't plan things on her back and if something unplanned happens then I will let her know right after. She fully understands what it is to act on an impulse because she is so impulsive. We've had dates during break up periods but never cheated on each other.

Thanks a lot for your very interesting and useful comments, PsyHealer.