Is my (ex) girlfriend a covert narcissist?

My girlfriend, or partner, of many years has recently put me in "no contact" status again, and I'm wondering if she actually is a covert narcissist by nature. She exhibits some peculiar traits that have often made me wonder if she's of this earth, or if she belongs to a different species in which having empathy is not a desired trait. I will say that she's extremely charming and exudes a confident and classy vibe. She's very successful in her career, affable, very attractive in a classy professional way, and she turns heads!

We've been together for many years, and through all this I've had to endure some pretty painful experiences as the result of her passive aggressive actions. First of all, she loves to dole out the silent treatment. If she perceives that she's been wronged, or has to defend an action or lie, she will put me in silent treatment status. In case you haven't experienced it, having a significant other block your phone number and ignore you is a pain worse than getting root canal. You're left feeling eviscerated and emasculated. She will come back around, but only on her terms. I always end up feeling anxious and desperate trying to find out why she's ignoring me.

Another thing that bothers me is her lack of empathy. Now don't get me wrong, because she can be very sweet and caring, loving, and all, but when I really need her for support -- which is almost never -- she's quick to dismiss my feelings, I should suck it up, because she she doesn't want to be bothered. It's almost as if having to listen to other people's grievances stresses her out, so she doesn't want to deal with it. She does expect praise, admiration, and veneration on my part when it comes to her feelings. Moreover, her whole demeanor has always been a bit on the hot and cold side. We'll see each other for days on end, only to be followed by a disappearing act for a couple of days. Her explanation always has to do with her busy schedule.

She's not one of those flashy and domineering women demanding to be the center of attention, but I have noticed a hidden obsession with material things and conveying this idea that she's "classy", and she does an excellent job at it. She projects an air of coolness and aloofness which she ascribes to just being level headed and prudent, but there is a disconnect there somewhere. She tends to hang around with female friends who look up to her and want to be like her, but she gets tired of being around them. It seems as if though she can only take people in increments, and if they don't serve as some emotional or ego boost she will discard them for a while. What is up with that?

I've wasted many good years spending my life with this woman, but it's very hard to escape from her charming spell, and of course the great sex!

Thanks for listening and I look forward to what you all think....

You are not getting what you really need out of this rship are you? If so, the best thing to do is move on. I understand not being able to get out of the rship, but have you asked yourself why are you so attracted to a person who is dismissive of you and your feelings.

Shes not having a rship by herself. You are there too. She may be a narcissist of she may not, we cant diagnose here. Youre attracted to her when shes loving, and ofc shes classy and desirable, do you think maybe you could not find better?

These are questions to ask yourself. You admit you wasted years on this, so maybe dont waste any more. Make this about yourself, not about her.

It sounds to me like she must have BPD and is bad at practicing having empathy and respect for you in the relationship. Don't let good sex or her convincing you that she really loves you suck you in. She probably just gets some benefit out of keeping you wrapped around her finger.

Im-pure wrote:Shes not having a rship by herself. You are there too.

I can only guess too, but this quote from Im-pure is key. A relationship requires two people.

I am new here (just registered today). I registered to post my story/experience.
What you described here is EXACTLY what I just experienced, although for only 6+ months.
I have some additional questions for you….

Did she ever twist things you said or did to magnify the seriousness of it?

Does she hold grudges worse than a child?

Did she ever tell you that she had the capability of "destroying the memory of someone who wronged her"?

Did you ever feel resentment that she treated you like a lesser person?

Does she have a history of an abusive parent? (mine had a dad who abused her).

Do you know what she did during those "silent times"?

I was recently discarded,,, found out mine had a guy on the side.

nomoreabuse wrote:I am new here (just registered today). I registered to post my story/experience.
What you described here is EXACTLY what I just experienced, although for only 6+ months.
I have some additional questions for you….

Did she ever twist things you said or did to magnify the seriousness of it?

Does she hold grudges worse than a child?

Did she ever tell you that she had the capability of "destroying the memory of someone who wronged her"?

Did you ever feel resentment that she treated you like a lesser person?

Does she have a history of an abusive parent? (mine had a dad who abused her).

Do you know what she did during those "silent times"?

I was recently discarded,,, found out mine had a guy on the side.

Many of these signs sound like my ex as well.

I think in the end, it doesn't really matter if they are labeled a "narcissist." Bottom line, my ex was bringing me down. She really twisted my way of thinking and I became very attached/addicted to her. But distance has brought me a little bit of clarity. You've got to find a way to go no contact and stay that way, and don't ever expect you'll get words of closure. Worry about yourself, not her. Try to stop asking why she is the way she is, and ask yourself why you are/were with someone who doesn't respect you. This all has still been difficult for me, but I'm getting there.

Also, hit up some dating sites and meet other women. Doing so has helped me remember and figure out what is important to find in a woman. As a result, my ex is slowly becoming less and less attractive in my mind.

I'm no doctor, but I believe she checks most the boxes of the symptoms or behaviors of a covert narcissist. My now Ex girlfriend acted the SAME exact way, and in our society as males, we aren't the ones who are supposed to "get abused" but that's exactly what it is. I was with one for 18 months, broke up with her and then got back with her for 3 mo. After a 6 mo. break

She would pull that silent treatment bs whenever things didn't go her way or if I didn't say or do what she expected. During those times, she would also make me try to feel as if I had done something wrong when in reality, I was the only one giving at all in the relationship. This last time, I moved in with her but still had my own house an hour away. In a perfect world, we would spend time at both of our houses but she wasn't willing to make the compromise of driving because she was a girl and had to bring more stuff with her. So I accepted that I would have to come to her and plan was to eventually move into her house and split the bills with her after selling my house or renting it out. While there, I did countless actions to show her I cared and wanted to move in with her such as: buying a couch, brand new wash machine(hers wasn't working), put $3500 bed in my name because her back was hurting from work. I fixed things around the house and cleaned without her ever asking. I also paid some of the bills, but wasn't splitting them yet. I couldn't afford to split her bills until I sold my house or it was paying for itself and I told her that before getting back together. Well the power bill went through the roof when I moved in and continued to stay high. There was a problem with AC or electricity and she said she's got the bill if I fix the problem. I called an electrician, he found and fixed the problem and I paid him. I told her problem was solved and to get on a payment plan for the bill if she can't afford it right now. Wrong move, she ignored me for 3 days, and when she wasn't, she was making comments like to not use her creamer for my coffee. Finally I had enough and said I was going home. She then said well I was offended when you didn't offer to help pay the power bill....mind you the same one she said she had if I paid someone to fix the problem!! I said ok this is BS and the final straw. She admitted to saying that, but still offended when I didn't offer.

I was the one investing financially in her house and she was the only one complaining in the relationship. She wouldn't ever ask me straight up, if she had, I'd honestly probably sat down and came to an agreement we were both happy on. Instead, she would complain how she didn't have any money and didn't know how she'd pay the bill. I didn't pick up on it bc she always complained about money regardless but looking back that's what covert narcissists do.

Things were GREAT when things were good and she wasn't in a narcissistic mood. I've honestly never enjoyed myself as much with anyone else, and that's why I'd put up with this bs. She would start fights and it was up to her when they were over because my response did not matter. She had control over when we were good and when we were bad.

She was sexy as hell but not outwardly full of herself, she was more shy and that's what actually attracted me to her. Whenever I had a problem, which was also rare compared to her, she'd say "oh really" without a hint of care in her voice and sometime acted as if "just suck it up". Yet she expected me to show empathy almost daily when she would complain about work, other friends, and not having enough money. Her other relationships with friends were all on/off relationships which told me that she's like this to everyone.

I'm out of it now and of course miss her because she was charming but it's not worth it to go through the pain of rejection(with my girlfriend mind you) every month. It gets to the point where you're walking on eggshells. I tried talking sense into her and would state facts and when I would make points about the way she was acting was wrong, she'd walk away, or take another ego shot - not doing enough, etc. I'm glad it's over and moving on. I may not find someone as pretty as her, but I'd rather have the respect than to have a pretty face.

You have just described my ex girlfriend exactly...I could actually have written everything you have said. I have experienced everything you have experienced in a consistent manner for 4 years and we split nearly 3 months ago.

I actually for years actually thought she might just be a high functioning BDP type but based on the end of the relationship I would 100% say she was (and your ex sounds the same) a covert narcissist.