HELP! Fiance cheated at bachelor party 1 week before wedding

I am trying to get some unbiased opinions on my relationship. Many people will throw the words "dump him" at me without hesitation, however I am heavily invested in this relationship. I am a 30 y/o female who has been in a relationship with my boyfriend/fiance for the last 4 and a half years. We have a house together, and our finances are merged. We have been basically living like we're married for the past 2 years, and we've been engaged for the same amount of time, but we delayed marriage so that we could save up for a wedding instead of doing a courthouse wedding.

So our wedding was supposed to be last week. It was ALL paid for, and everything was done and ready to go. My fiance had his bachelor party a week before our supposed wedding date. When he came home drunk from the party at a very late hour, I was awake, and determined from his appearance that he'd been in close contact with a stripper (glitter & makeup on shirt/pants, long hairs that were not mine on his undershirt, smelled of perfume, ect). I was fine with that because I expected lap dances. When he went to bed, he had left his phone on the bathroom sink with the screen still lit up with the words "likelihood of getting AIDS from a prostitute" in the internet browser area. It was impossible for me to miss. I am not a "snooper". I am 30 years old, and I got over "snooping" about 5 to 10 years ago. I guess he was not thinking in his drunken state and left his phone on the sink after using the toilet. I confronted him later in the night when he got up again to use the bathroom. He denied it about 5 times, until I bluffed and said "come on, I know, just tell the truth", and then he admitted it. After prodding, he admitted the following: He paid a stripper $50 for oral and vaginal sex. He paid her (not anyone else). He had paid for a private lap dance, and claims she offered sex for $50. HE HAD SEX WITH HER WITHOUT A CONDOM. Completely unprotected vaginal and oral sex. Several other people, including his brother and a few friends were there and knew of his actions. He claims they only knew after the fact, and that it was unplanned.

I cancelled the wedding. I am crushed. Its been almost 3 weeks since that night and I am still crushed. I keep picturing very detailed versions of their encounter. I can not help it. We tried counselling, but I am not sure that it helped. The counselor said he is a serious alcoholic, but I am appalled that she and him are putting the blame on alcohol, and not him. I think that if he had the coherency to pay for it himself, he knew what he was doing. Also I think it is APPALLING that he would risk my getting STDs and HIV/AIDS from unprotected prostitute sex. He never would have told me, and he would have had sex with me the next day. This I am sure of because he has a high sex drive. He has never cheated before that I know of (no suspicious signs).

Another horrible thing is that a week after it happened, he tried to blame me. He claimed that I "gave him a free pass". I had jokingly told him "don't get anyone pregnant, don't get any STDs, and don't do anything I wouldn't do". Now that may sound like it could be construed as permission to cheat, however his "excuse" was taken out of context. I had said that statement to him an entire WEEK before his bachelor party in reference to him going to a local dive bar where only old men drink. I thought it was funny to say because the place NEVER has any women, and it is very boring because all the old men do is drink and quietly watch sports.
The counselor agreed that his excuse was a sad attempt to put the blame on me, because after all, he'd been afraid to tell me after the fact, and he didn't use protection, and he has known me for over 4 years! In all of our 4 years, he knows me very well, so well that he knows I would NEVER be ok with him sleeping with ANYONE else. Since then I've discovered he also watches porn almost every day, which seems excessive.

So now I'm stuck trying to decide if trying therapy is worth it, or if I should leave him. I need some opinions considering we were very happy up until this point! He seems VERY sorry, but then again, he watched porn the very morning after I found out about his cheating (he actually bought a membership while I was out walking around and crying my eyes out!). I don't know what to do! Its like he's a different person in the last month!

Some people are okay with cheating at bachelor parties as they think it's 'normal' but it's really not. I would tell you to leave him, that's clearly the best thing you could do. However, if you choose not to, although he cheated on you, at least it was with a prostitute out of lust, not out of him falling in love with another girl and cheating behind your back.

I am indeed leaving him now. I have since found out that after the act occurred, he told his friends (while still at the strip club), and they all cheered for him, and it was a manly, happy occasion. I would have thought he would be ashamed, and kept it a secret.

Also, he has admitted to me yesterday that he is not sorry that he actually had sex with her. Instead, he is sorry that I found out and got hurt. When I told him that this "not feeling sorry" would cause him to cheat again, he could not deny it, and simply said he didn't know.

The hard part is not going back on what I've decided. After I broke up with him, he said I may change my mind down the road, so he is not changing his "engaged" facebook status. I am afraid I might start a relationship again because we both own the house we share, and I have absolutely no money, friends, or relatives to rely on, so I am stuck living in our house until we can sell it, which we can't do until next year because I have alot of student loan debt and no savings. I'm absolutely stuck with him, and I am SO afraid he will start to date other women while we are living together, which would crush me, even if he doesn't bring them home. I feel so stuck!

Thats a real tough situation...i agree that the best thing to do would be leaving as he shows no respect for you or your rship. Maybe begin to distance yourself both emotionally and financially if there really is no other way you could move out sooner. Keep searching for ways to do so.

Hi jmf,
Sorry that you find yourself dealing with this. It sounds as though you have made the decision that cheating is a deal-breaker for you. It was for me also. A partnership (marriage) is built on trust, without that it will eventually crumble, and the level of trust that is required for a life-long partnership is deep. Once you are betrayed it may never be fully restored even if the partner who cheated takes full responsibility for their actions and does every thing possible to demonstrate total commitment to you and the relationship. Your (ex)partners behaviours do not appear to be those of a remorseful person who acknowledges the gravity of what he has done. Blame-shifting, truth-hiding, minimisation and non-committal answers to your questions along with other actions of dis-respect probably give you a good insight to the future of the relationship. Is that what you want? Know that you are not alone in suffering the consequences of betrayal by the one you trusted the most. Breath, post, vent. Look after you.
j