Hello,
I am reaching out because i have so little support and wanted to get some advice. I dont have lots of therapy resources where I am not know who might be able to help. Sorry this is loooong.
I am in a relationship again with my ex_GF. She broke up with me after years of dealing with my neediness/clingyness and abandonment fears (i am 47 male, she is 41 female). We lived and dated together for about 4 years. We remained in contact after a period of not talking and i visited her last year for old times sake. I had the same strong feelings and felt my lonliness an sadness lift for the first time in a while. Suffered some major losses in last few years including both parents, but i had issues before that.
I moved back to her country and we started a business together to support my visa. She did this to help me and even let me stay at her place until i got everything settled. Its been 6 months *the visa is taking long time* but we have had a lot of fun and i finally feel i can function and focus knowing I am with her again. The problem is my old habits of not doing my own thing, afraid to be apart, etc...and her type being a loner, its stressing her out. She has moods where she says she wants me to move out and we are not BF and GF anymore ( I assumed we were since acting like it.). The sex has stopped and as i feel her getting more irritable, i get more scared. She mentioned when i get my visa i have to go. She said this in a bad mood, so i dont know if she means it since days later she seems OK again.
I want to give her space and do things alone and let her have alone time (i have been with her almost every second she is not working for the last 6 months, but i dont get tired of it, she is). I dont have job right now, no friends, no family..she is my whole world..the idea of moving out is scary since then i dont know when can see her and at the mercy of when she replies. I dont want to go back to that feeling of uncertainty. I know if i live wiht her will see her at the end of the day. its suffocating for her i guess. My fear is so strong, i can see its selfish but i cant seem to override it. I know her image of me is formed and no matter what i do she will see me as weak and dependent, but I want to at least give her space and see if can salage things. She says we are not in relationship, but i thought we were. Shocked, scared and needing some help. I want her to change her mind and if i can give her space, maybe she will..i dont know.
I guess i took our relative peace of living together as a sign we were back. We took trips and she seemed to act as my GF. she also said moving out has nothing to do with me, she just likes to live alone, so even i change im not sure will have effect, but i want to try. She never did live with anyone after we broke up and she is a loner so i dont doubt it. I just wish she could change her mind and dont want to go back to being obsessive and distraught when just visited her (before moving in again).
one thing to mention, I am not working since my career kind of fell apart and can't work legally anyway until get a visa. I also don't know what I will do for steady work, so lots of time to think and think and worry while waiting every day for her to finish her busy job. That isn't helping, for sure. I feel like a useless person and no wonder she isn't attracted anymore. I have no strong direction or career going anymore. I wish I had something passionate about to focus on, but I don't feel interested in anything anymore, just being around her.
I realize that I have made her a savior, a God. If she is in a good mood and approves of me, I feel like a million dollars, happiest guy in the world. When bad mood or annoyed with me, I experience extreme anxiety and then resort to things to manipulate her mood like offering to go on trips (when money is tight and i dont have it), taking out to eat (same thing), massaging her, small talk...etc.
I wish I could know that if I gave her massive space until I am having to move out (cant get apt until get visa), she may change her mind. The most challenging thing is the feeling I CAN"T GET MY WAY no matter how bad I want it. Sounds so childish, but I really deep down feel that I should get my way and not have to feel pain. It's crazy but I think I may believe that. I seem to not be able to deal with that gracefully. I somehow believe I really can control her, although intellectually i know I can't. It's odd.
I know in reality there is no one person who can make you happy and even then, another person can not make you happy. Why do i FEEL it so much though? Why do I feel i must have HER or I dont want anyone else and my life is over? Because I lost most of my family and feel like she is the only one living who knows me? I feel like without her, I have no identity. If we are separated, I will wonder where is and what doing, when can i see her..etc. minutes seem like hours, hours seem like days when waiting for replies (before i moved in).
Why do I assign her the role of my mother who has to be my everything and love me unconditionally? Its too much for anyone to bear. All my reading shows that needy/clingy guys kill attraction and get left. Its not love. That's why she says 'I see you as a kid/my son'. She does not respect me because she knows all she has to do is get mad and I will do anything. She has all the power, and that makes me so depressed and anxious. I just want to be free of this and I am starting to feel if she kicks me out, I will go back to being obsessive basket case with little support and my life is over. Im just starting to feel better again. . So I hang on to her for dear life.
Any advice or help is great, please be kind though I really need support and have no one. Thank you so much