lack of libido

okay to cut a very long story short...i have been in remision from vaginal cancer since september. had surgery radiotherapy and chemotherapy. the treatment has made me go into a medicaly induced menopause. if that wasnt enough to make me not be 'in the mood'...i also have a very demanding son who has adhd, tourettes and aspergers syndrome...hes very hard work. i also have 3 other children and an idiot of an ex husband who makes my life as difficult as he can. my fiance...whom i love very much has taken to treating me like a nuisance..everything in his ;ife comes before me..the computor being the main one. we very rarely go out for a night out....i have to nag for that. hes happily sit on the comp every night rather than have a conversation with me!. oh and when he does talk its to complain and maon about my ex husband.

then for the last few weeks he started being nice to me...realy nice!.....he took me out!....would sit and cuddle on the sofa with me...was just realy sweet and affectionate. i started to feel nice about myself and even initiated some loving a few days back!......then today we got the house to ourselves...a rarity for us!....we wrapped xams presents together and then he suggested we make love...but i have a heavy cold (infections are ten times worse due to the chemo ruining my immune system) and didnt sleep very well all weekend...i wasnt'in the mood'. and he flipped out on me...he realy went crazy. he told me hed spent weeks being nice to me and still no regular sex life...i asked him if he meant that he had faked being nice so that i would sleep with him...and he said yeah but nothing changed did it.....im devestated.


i was abused sexualy as a child.....its been hard but i do enjoy sex..we used to have a realy great sex life...but the cancer has been touhg.hes sent me right back to the frightened 9 year old who HAD to have sex to make people happy.

i want to rip his manhood off

hello,

thanks for posting.

although the title of this thread refers to your lack of libido, i think the main concern here is your relationship with your fiance. he confessed that he was being kind to you because he wanted a regular sex life. if he's in the relationship for the sex, then where's the love?

regarding the lack of libido, it's very understandable. you're being treated for vaginal cancer, and you were sexually abused as a child... naturally, it can be very difficult to be "in the mood"! i don't think you really have a problem with this though. again, i think your relationship with your fiance is the problem... because when you are happy, you do enjoy the sex...

you say your fiance hardly talks to you, and spends much of his time on the computer. in my opinion, this relationship lacks depth, lacks love... as sad as i am to say it. he doesn't seem to be in it for the love. if he were, he wouldn't need to fake kindness.

what are your thoughts?

take care*

Don't blame you a bit. If I didn't know better, I would think you had the same guy as I did. Only mine would complain about sex and yet he was the one who couldn't be bothered.

Sorry dear, he just sounds waaay too much like mine was. I'd cut your losses and count your blessings you didn't marry him.

You are NOT 9 years old, you are a strong woman who has survived a tough life and a difficult situation with your son. Do you really need another bratty kid around the house? Anyone behaving that way is not an adult.

I loved mine very much too. I thought he took good care of me. I was totally wrong. If your guy won't go to couples counseling, he has more problems then you do, even with the cancer. You need to take care of yourself and your children, and make sure you aren't in another abusive relationship in disguise.

hey...

man im so sick of the men who think that the only reason that you are in a relationship that makes it more than a friendship is because you have sex.. making love is making LOVE not having sex... as i noticed how you said making love and not having sex...

men are soo sex obsessed and i hate it and it sounds like this one is... the fact that you guys dont do anything else or dont talk or whatever just arent in that kind of relationship where it doesnt all come down tho sex say alot.

this person doesnt seem right for you i am really sorry to say no matter how long you guys have been together it just seems dead when it gets to those days...

im sad to hear that you have had such a hard life and i hope that yopu realise that desearve somone that is there for you not onoly sexually. i know what you mean when you say that it is hard to enjoy sex after you have been sexually abussed because im in your shoes. i have had a hard life in that aspect and have learnt alot about men in my life theres a whole lot that i hate with a passwion but there are the ones out there that care more about sex...

perhaps i am missing something , but is not sexual expression a big part of why relationships begin, if not the instagatory element. i understand that a relationship can grow past this initial attatchment, but all the feedback here seems to be slaming him. Though your situation is very complicated and requiers patceince, his feelings of sexual frusteration sound natural often in the stress of mortality issues such as cancer, sex is turned to as a life affirming source of security/normalicy

as far as being kind in order to facilitate greater sexual frequincy, well that a tatic that is far nobeler then simply having an affair, kindness is good in and of itself, the motive is never as simple as to just procure sex.

My suggestion is to temper your rage for him with the realization that many of these triggers upseting you do harken from your own abusive past , which he was not responsable for. He has already assumed the responsability of being a live in parent with 3 childeren that are not his, i would not take this lightly, that does not sound like a purely selfish person to me.

it all sounds very complicated and i would be cautious of oversimplifying it, be it the motives at play, and or the consequences.

Is he taking responsibility for being a parent? Or is he sitting at the computer and ignoring the world?

I don't see that sex is the problem, manipulative behavior is. If a person is only kind and attentive when they want to get their way, then that is not a loving relationship.

the motive is never as simple as to just procure sex.

Sorry, can't agree on that one. Read some of the other boards. Although it may also be the power to manipulate, but that isn't any healthier. I've been told by many a man that when they were young, they would tell a woman anything, do anything to get her into bed. It had nothing to do at all with the woman herself.

I also do not believe there is ever any reason to flip out and get abusive because one partner is not feeling well. Sex is not life confirming when it is one-sided. I can understand his being frustrated, but not getting abusive. If that is what why he is with her, then that is not a relationship. It doesn't sound like he is relating at all, except when he wants something.

No, her triggers aren't his fault. But when you have been sexually abused, you have to pay attention to what your triggers are telling you. You have to be aware that it is very easy to get back into an abusive relationship without realizing it. She says as a child, she felt she had to have sex to make people happy. If that's what it takes to make this guy happy, then her triggers are safety alarms. Presumably this man knows about her past, and if he cared about her, I think this would be the last way to behave.

I'm not meaning to slam you, mezi, I just think you did miss a few things.

yea np i am just overly involved in playing the devils advocate, i had had the impression that he had a breakdown, rather then being a fundementaly manipulative fellow, based on their past happiness, really i got no idea of what hes like, just seemed that everyone was looking at him in a really negative way, and as i see it the greatest hardship is the circumstance, dosent sound like he had the best set of responce reactions to a sensative situation, but being attached to loved ones who are in peril creates its own stress reaction/responces, not always the best./ whats your impression jocase, you think hes a player? or genuine? is he another child or a source of support ?

Aaah, devil's advocate, yep, we need those too!

thanks everyone..and thanks mezi for giving me another way of thinking about this.

now my rage has gone...and hes apologised for things that were said..i feel i can see things a bit more clearly. i dont think i realised how much my cancer had affected him. hes felt helpless and useless. hes been a great dad and step father...he works hard for us...but i had closed my emotions down...it was the only way i could cope. i kept him at arms length. partly because having doctors examining me down there was distressing..partly the treatment making me feel unattractive...mostly because my heart was breaking and i didnt want to admit i was scared.
im fiercly independant...i carried on through the treament with little help from faimliy...i carried on putting my children first as i always have. i left my poor fiance by himself physically and emotionaly.

im still mad that he was 'nice' to me in order to bed me...but if i realy think about it he never did have a good way of putting his feelings into words. he said he didnt mean it the way it sounded...he just thought that if he was more attentive....that i might feel like things getting back to normal.....hes desperate to make love to the person he loves...to please her...to feel close. and when this didnt happen..he was angry coz he didnt know what else could make things better.

we went to bed last night and for the first time in ages just got close, kissing a loving...and making love just came naturaly....i could have cried...i understood what he was missing. id just been so wrapped up in my self that i lost my connection with him...if u know what i mean.

oh and i no longer want to rip his manhood off lol

hes been a great dad and step father...he works hard for us

Well, there's a difference! So long as he really is connected, that's a major thing.

I know there is couples counciling for people with cancer, maybe if you went to that you could both understand the situation better. No one who hasn't gone through it, really understands it on either side of the relationship. Or at least look at some of the books on it. Especially since he isn't good at expressing himself. Especially since that was a really BAD way of putting it!

Not admitting you are scared, know how that is. From long training, I sometimes don't even let myself know what I am feeling. Not a wise idea. But I would think anyone would know in that situation you had to be scared, it would be very odd if you weren't.

Don't take all the blame for this and excuse him though, OK? He still behaved badly and hopefully he really does know that, and isn't just giving it lip service.

I hope he really is the great guy, the world needs more of them and less of the pretenders. Look luck and good health.