Ending relationship because I am disgusted by girlfriends past

It may seem that its something to be jealous of if a woman has had a few partners.
However, it may also mean the relationships were not fullfilling, broke down fast, the girl may have found the guy was only interested in sexual stuff and not HER, it may be hard to imagine as a guy, these sexual encounters may have not been positve ones and ended in tears etc. Hopes and dreams unfullfilled, expectations not met.
So if the girl finds a guy that treats her good and is loving towards her, chances are from her past expereience she may value him a lot more than without the past experiences.
It may seem from one veiw "she's had a great time shagging all these other guys"
but from another veiw "she's had lots of heartbreak and disappointments and has suffered as a result of hooking up with guys that weren't really interested in her".
Thats just one take on it.

It has been implied on this thread that this tendency is deep within our DNA - a basis in biology. If this is true, then it would be impossible, as an act of will, to change it. You could certainly choose not to feed into the jealousy, but it will always be there. The other alternative is that this tendency has a basis in our emotional state - a belief.

Beliefs are created from our feelings and our feelings are created from our thoughts. We have the choice whether we nurture thoughts and give them life or let them go. So there is some value in determining the basis of this tendency in you.

If, prior to entering a relationship with you, she had been sexually assaulted by four men in an alley and she just told you this; the first person she had ever shared it with - would it have the same effect on you?

If it would, then I would say that for you, your tendency is rooted in your biology. If it would elicit a different reaction, then I would consider that your tendency is rooted in your beliefs.

reading all this, i suspect the thing that's really going through your mind is: would you have got together with this girl if you'd known everything about her sexual past in the beginning. the thing i think that you have to realise is that it's difficult to share everything from day one. the fear of rejection is simply too great. so, people tend to be economical with the truth. they're not intending to hurt you. they're just afraid of getting hurt themselves. and then, when everything does come out, that can seriously test the relationship. but the thing to remember is that you should judge her on how she has been with you, not on her past relationships. candidly, i never ask about past relationships. i just don't want to know. the fact that you do tends to indicate to me that somewhere in your mind you're trying to find reasons to reject her. but you should ask yourself: why. and you should also ask yourself: is that what you really want. my guess is that it isn't. and the best thing you can do is stop focusing on her past and start focusing on your future with her.

OP, I don't know how old your gf is, but 4 doesn't seem that many to me for you to be disgusted.

some people sleep around with 100's.

I don't think it's a good idea to talk about past partners if your partner is the jealous type.

And I don't advocate lying either, so it's difficult if you asked her and she felt she had to be honest.

But some people do say 2 (first love and second relationship/rebound/mistake). And that normally is a lie. So fair play for her for saying 4.

I really don't understand (unless she's 16 or something) why it's a big deal.

And why you would want to throw your relationship away because of her previous ones. I'd understand the worry if she'd said she'd cheated on every one of her previous bf's.

It makes no logical sense to me unless you view her as property and wanted an unspoilt virgin.

Good luck getting one of those these days.

The past is never dead. It isn't even past.

jaybeaux wrote:The past is never dead. It isn't even past.

... if we live our lives in the past, all we do is limit our future. we can't change the past, however, what we can do is change our attitude to it. through forgiveness we can release ourselves from the the thoughts and feelings that have limited us in the past. and, in that sense, we can escape our past, albeit, it remains unaltered in terms of events. every single book i have ever read on self-improvement advocates living in the now. they do so because we can only make our lives better in the moment that we are able to effect them. the past, in a very real sense, is gone. we simply can't affect it. as such, i really have to strongly disagree with the sentiment that you express above. the past is as alive or as dead as we choose to make it in terms of how we think in the present moment. it is only ever-present in our minds if that is our choice. and i don't think that's a good choice to make.

alphawhale wrote:I don't have any answers for you but wanted to let you know I'm going through (kind of) the same thing. Not really over sex, but I'm definitely both jealous and ... put off by my girlfriend's past. For me, it's more insecurity because she's done and been so much more than I feel like I have and I don't feel like I'm good enough. Maybe the real issue is insecurity in your case, too?

i would feel the same thing. from my perspective it's because her past actions goes against my values. i don't have many, but when it comes to love, relationship and parenting, they're strict and i take them seriously. if the girl i was with said that she had ruined the lives of a bunch of guys in her past, in various different ways for her own benefit, completely disregarding their well-being, i would be repulsed by her presence, and see her for what she really is, someone who is not worth my time. or to put it in a broader perspective. i wouldn't want her as a maternal figure for my children.