Thoughts on an interesting marital situation

I agree with joyless about the "staying together for the children." My parents stayed together (I lived with my mom on the first floor and my father lived on the second floor) from when I was about 9 to 16 years old. Maybe at the time it was okay, but there really wasn't a relationship between them. My father was a horrible man (the reasons don't have to do with this forum) but he was there mostly for show.

I knew they didn't care about each other. Kids are very intelligent and know what is going on even if you don't tell them straight out.

jdp and juswunderin,

I'm not saying that this applies to you, but I just wanted you to be aware of the perspective of a child of someone in a similar situation.

In the end, only you guys know what's best for you. I just hope that both of you realize that you deserve more - and so do your children. Although life might stink in the beginning, the future outlook - a happier daily life, children that at some point will respect you for doing what was best for you and them, the true love of someone that is reciprocated.

Just my opinion ... write back if you like.
-forgotten

First of all, staying together for the children. Very, very bad for the children. Children pick up tension, although they may not know the reason, and because their world is centered around themselves, especially if they are very young, they often believe they are at fault, without being able to verbalize or even realize what they feel. Be kind, be honest with yourselves and the kids. Let them know a thousand times these are adult problems and not caused by them. Please.

Extinguished Spirit...you aren't really you know. Because you can see that the situation you are living in is wrong and unnatural. It's when we start beliving that it's normal that we are truly extinguished. Other than that, I completely ditto what juswindrin said. You are an abused wife. There are lots of agencies out there to help women in this situation. You can leave, and give you and your kids a chance for a better life.

JP, yes, I think your wife has emotional problems and needs therapy. I would think you would need therapy just living in that situation, and good for you that you realized that.

Last week, the man I loved trusted told me he loved me and walked out the door. He walked in a few hours later and told me he was leaving. We hadn't been fighting and he had been assuring me our relationship was fine and he loved me.

He also hadn't touched me in two years. But because he told me he loved me and still found me sexy, I accepted the situation, even though I found it strange. I felt about as sexy and wanted as a hacked up hair ball.

Thank god he left me. And not only have I survived, but I feel a heck of a lot better, and my doctor agrees. And I look ten years younger. Maybe no one else wants me, but at least no one is telling me how they love me while they treat me like I'm no more than an electric blanket. You say you are still in therapy? Surely your therapist has told you this is not a normal situation, and that your wife is behaving oddly? Of course you are confused, it's a weird situation. My guy has been out of my life for a week and a half and every day I realize more and more how strange HE was.

She might have a boyfriend of course, but I doubt it. Sounds to me like she's just out of it. She's using you, but it may not be deliberate, just the easiest thing for her to do. When you have untreated mental health issues, you can have so much going on inside that you just shut down finally. Since she isn't really relating to the children either, I think that is probably the case.

At any rate, you keep getting help, because your situation is NOT normal, and don't accept it is. Be smarter than me!

This is unbelievable!

For the longest time I have asked and asked the same question to myself and to my close ones and that question is:

What happens eventually to someone who chooses to stay in a difficult marriage and claims to do so "for the sake of the kids"?

Wildflower, you are the person who has answered my question! I really appreciate you taking the time to reply to this post and to share your story. what you say makes perfect sense. Your ex was the "not normal" one and you were the one who tolerated him yet after many years he was the one who left you!!
That's exactly what my hunch tells me that all my patience, tolerance, and being able to handle things will all go wasted. What message will I be conveying to my children? I wish I had the strength to do something about my life, but as Jp said, there is so much at risk that we can't think clearly for ourselves.

I'm so glad I helped. Actually, I wasn't talking about my ex that time, I was talking as an adult child of parents who stayed together and shouldn't have. And I have seen the nasty results of too many of those relationships. Parents who stayed together and then split when the kids got old enough to leave, and so many times it was a much worse shock than when parents split when the children are younger. They feel their lives were based on a lie. The younger the child, the easier it is for them to accept as normal. I once appologized to my daughter for not being able to give her a father (her own turn out to be dangerous to her). She looked at me with those big blue eyes and said "But Mommy. Almost no one in my class lives with their own father. Lots of kids don't have daddies." While I think that is an extremely sad comment on our society, what I thought was tragic was simply an accepted part of her life.

She's having much more difficulty accepting the split of my current relationship, of the man she considered her dad since she was 16. She's 28 now, and having a really hard time dealing with his betrayal of me, and her. This is the man she always looked up to, the man who finally treated her mother decently and was trustworthy. He wiped that away in one afternoon. She'll never be able to trust him again either. I think that is the saddest part of this whole thing. When I left my husband when she was two, she actually did better, living without the tension between us. I could protect her then, I can't protect her as an adult.

Especially if your partner treats you abusively and without respect, your children are better off not learning that. You are here, talking about it. That means you are getting ready to do something about it. You need a support group, and you don't have to do this alone. You DO have the strengh, it is much more difficult to live in the situation you are living in, then being a single parent, I know. Even though she had a deadbeat dad, I'm glad for her sake as well as mine I got us out.

The fact you are facing the truth about your situation proves you are strong. And the more you keep working on it, the stronger you will get. I promise. My constant theme back then was "I can't do this, I can't cope" But I did, and I was coping with my own mental health problems and hers too, without even knowing it. We had never heard of ADD back then and she has it very badly.

At 53, I know a lot of women fall apart when suddenly stranded, even when they have finacial support and aren't disabled. But because I went through so much and got help I can look back at those horrible times like you are living through now, and think, I can do this. I made it back then, I'll make it now.

So will you, Spirit. You may be struggling, but you are NOT Extinguished.

This is an old world dillema, lots of familys throughout history have raised children in the "arranged/ buissness" style relationship. I would think that when facing such a choice, if your not comfortable leaving, perhaps you should begin your own affair's. i know some familys with this type of arrangement, they are uncommon but having known some of the kids into adulthood some have struck me as reasonably well adjusted and independant.

We are a much less of a monagamus of a culture then we seem