Thoughts on an interesting marital situation

I have been reading many of the posts with great interest looking for anyone in my situation and any advice.

Of course, this is my side of the story, which will be a little biased, but here goes.

My beautiful wife informed me March 2002 that she was moving out of the house with our two young boys. Probably had a boyfriend, so blamed me for all kinds of things....controlling, etc.

I am a physician, actually fairly-laid back about most things. Looking back, we sort of had a parent/child relationship and she had had a very difficult, controlling mother to deal with during her younger years.

She and the boys finally moved back home June 2003, but I had to leave May 2004 because she just showed me virtually no interest. I was nothing more than a bother to her near as I could tell.

We have been to extensive counseling alone and together with an Imago therapist who is simply great.

So, we all finally decided to move back together 3 months ago. Sold the old home of 16 years and bought a new, more managable place where the boys can be close to their friends.

As far as the relationship goes, she remains distant and even dispondent at times, usually in no relation to anything in particular that I can put a finger on. We share the same bed and occasionally "have sex", but it is fairly easy to tell that she'd rather be doing something else.

When I bring up our situation and try and discuss it with her, the usual response is "I may be this way forever" or she may say "I'm here, isn't that enough". Anyway, her statements just leave me feeling uneasy about everything. I do think she would like us to be "better" someday, but it's like she doesn't know when that is going to happen and isn't interested in changing the status quo for now.

She is pleasant to be with and we often do things together, but it's like she's just not that interested in me.

It has been great to have the family back together....priceless as they say. It is great not to have the family's meager assets destroyed by a costly divorce.......but I am living with a woman who simply crawls in bed at night, turns away and falls asleep night after night.

I wonder about a couple of things. First, is she still carrying on with her "boyfriend"? Maybe that's why her mood changes for no reason that I can perceive. She's still somewhat secretive about certain things, such as her cell phone. Second, could she possibly have an undiagnosed psychiatric disorder. We know she is a histrionic-the flaunting type, but maybe she is bipolar or depressed and that's why she remains so distant, not interested.

So, I reach out to anyone that might have some insight as to my particular situation....I will answer any questions that anyone might have so that maybe I can shed some light on a most unusual circumstance.

Thank you so much for reading my little story about my sad little situation.

Whatever the maritial situation is, it's never easy. I'm sorry to hear that your having a hard time and I am not an expert in this area. I don't know if I can help you, but I'll try. I, too, might be a little biased and you'll see why as you continue to read.

I am married, with 2 children, and I too am struggling in my marriage. But, contrary to your story, I'm on the opposite end. I am a working mother and teacher who takes care of our home and kids. My husband does work hard but gives little help at home. We have been very distant the past few months. We have lost our "connection" and I feel very lonely. He's content with the situation and I don't like to confront or fight (these are my issues and not his). I have been depressed and I'm getting treatment, which has helped me. The relationship itself might be fine to everyone else, but not to me.

Now in regards to your situation - do you know for sure she had/has a boyfriend? Is she happy just going through the motions of a marriage? And are you? It sounds like she wants to have the company of a husband but not have to have the responsibilities of being a wife. Is she a good mother? Does she connect with your children? YOu mentioned that you think she might have some kind of psychiatric disorder - why do suspect that? I know that our childhoods have a huge influence in our lives, and you mentioned her mother was very controlling - do you think she feels the need to be in control due to her childhood? Was her father in the picture and what was his role?

I know I've asked a lot of questions. Part of me feels for you because I'm hoping my husband would be as willing as you to try to repair our relationship. All I can do is listen and try to help you from the "female" prespective of someone in your shoes. Please write and let me know what you think.

Dear Forgotten,

Yes, I am lonely and she is seemingly content. I have also been treated for depression with some help.

Lately, I have been more confrontational about the dismal state of our relationship.

Yes, she had a BF, no doubt. But I don't think he really wants her. She enjoys the luxuries of our marriage and financial stability, but has virtually no interest in being a wife. She is a fairly good mother, but in reality does the bare minimum to make sure the world sees her as a good mother. She actually just acts like a teenager when it comes to interactions with her children and me.

I believe she may have a psychiatric disorder because the whole thing is just so strange. Doesn't make any sense. Not sure about the mother thing; I just know they have minimal contact. Her father was actually a good man, just had to live with a very stange woman.

Sorry for the delay. Just that it is quite difficult to think about it all because it just seems so complicated and confusing most of the time. Thx, JP

Dear JP,

Don't worry about the delay. I understand how frustrating it is and I was just hoping to try to help. In the end, you know wht is best. If you need anything, just let me know.

Good luck and be strong.

-forgotten

Hello,

I can relate to the cold and distant spouse situation. Here is my story in brief.
I was decieved into my marriage meaning that when my husband proposed to me, got engaged to me, and got married he was having a long term relationship with a woman whom he'd been with for a long time before he even met me. The other woman is married to another man.

The similarity is that my husband, since he is always on and off in a relationship with the other woman is very distant from me. Ignores me a lot, and crawls into bed without having an interest in sleeping with me. It was extremely frustrating when I first found out about the affair and it caused separation between us too. Then I finally had to make a decision between either accepting the fact that he doesn't love me and live with it or leave. And I chose the first because we have small children and because of financial stability.

I gave up on trying to make him change though. He doesn't love me and you can't make someone love you. He walks around like he is always hiding something especially his cell phone and Whenever I attempt to follow him around or spy on his call list, I usually find disturbing information about the other woman and it causes me to become paranoid and really depressed. When I confront him he becomes really resentful and verbally abusive. but if I let it all slide then at least there is some peace in the house and the kids can have both parents around.

I am still with him because he is a good father, and an overall good person. and if I don't start trouble with him he treats me decently.
Your thoughts?

Hate to break the news to you so bluntly, but from what I read here, he's basically NOT a good person.

Everyone is tempted to cheat on occasion and some follow through. But the person you married - under false pretenses, no less - has been cheating on you from day one. And as long as you keep your mouth shut about it, he'll keep doing so.

When you try to assert yourself, you get abused. Charming.

You can keep walking through life on eggshells and suffer in silence for the kids' sake, but kids aren't clueless. They'll twig sooner or later that their mother's spirit has been extinguished.

Considering the list of grounds for divorce you have on hand here, I suggest you talk to a good lawyer. Do it done right and money won't be a problem after you and your kids are finally liberated from this existence.

Dear Extinguishedspirit,

My heart goes out to you. They have us over a barrel because they know we won't leave and when we try to speak clearly about how unusual the relationship is, we get shut down. I think they think they can say anything they want because they always have someone else to go to. That makes them brave. They have no need to compromise, sympathize, or give a little to the relationship because they have what they want somewhere else. We are really just a bother to them.

The only real power we have is to leave because the current situation is unacceptable, but that is very difficult to do when there are homes and children and assets involved. The destruction of a divorce may be worse than the current situation, and that's why we (I) sit and endure each day as each day takes a little more out of me.

I just wish there was something I could do to right the ship. It all seems very basic, but at the same time they put up an amazing wall so you are always blocked out. & heaven forbid they would ever come to us wanting things better.

I know that my decision-making is not right and I know that I am stuck in an endless cycle where I would like things to be "normal" and she says "they never were and probably never will be".

So there I go. Another day.......without affection or love, but instead confusion, worry, and drifting along hoping that tomorrow will be a better day. Why do we allow ourselves to go along like this? Such a mystery. jp

juswundrin,
Your reply was a wake-up call for me. Thank you for caring.

jdp1955,

You put in words everything that I am EXACTLY feeling. You are a very articulate person. What you expressed is so true and it made things clearer for me. Yes, I get shut down when I try to communicate about the relationship, and I guess I am a bother to him.
You said it!

It all seems very basic, but at the same time they put up an amazing wall so you are always blocked out. & heaven forbid they would ever come to us wanting things better.

That's exactly how I live. I am relieved to know that someone out there can relate. And my husband would give me the responses that your wife gives you. Almost the exact wording too.

When I bring up our situation and try and discuss it with her, the usual response is "I may be this way forever" or she may say "I'm here, isn't that enough". Anyway, her statements just leave me feeling uneasy about everything.

What would happen if we continue living like this? Will it ever get better? I don't want to go through a divorce, but I fear that someday he will be the one to walk away from me. By then I would have really wasted my life with someone who wasn't worth it.

Yes, we are the only ones who are able to call the situation absurd because the other half/partner is, for whatever reason, comfortable with how things are. ( Do a google search for the "Abilene paradox"-you might find it interesting)

I guess one has to decide about what he/she wants in a relationship, but unfortunately, we are in such a state of mind that it is difficult to think clearly because there is so much at risk. It we were dating our partner, we would say goodbye and never look back, but we're married to them so it isn't quite that simple.

And, no one can really give you good advice because they are not in your shoes. So we tolerate strange behavior and bump along.

We know we should call a "spade a spade" and tell our partner that their behavior is intolerable, but we are afraid of the consequences. We know what we have now. We are scared to death of the alternatives. So we sit.

Wish I knew someone who could help one out on of life's biggest puzzles. Wish I didn't care and could just say, "please leave our home if you can't be a good partner."

Anyone's thoughts are appreciated. jp

I know that the is a certain logic behind the idea of "staying together for the sake of the children", but there are aspects of this that you may not have considered.

Do you want your children to have a marriage like yours...unfulfilling, devoid of love and affection. At best you maintain a tolerable silence.

Is this what you want your kids to learn about how marriage is? How love is? Should marriage just be duty, where one person quietly puts up with the other?

I wouldn't want that for my kids....and if you can't show them a good relationship, maybe they need to know that they don't have to submit to it.

Is it not possible to separate without hurting the children? I think maybe it is, for their sake.

I'm no expert, but there is another perspective.