please help i don't wanna be alive ;[

please my rocd is really bad :{ i've never felt so low and horrible about this....

so i read this page about is it love or are you just lonely?? http://www.wikihow.com/Know-if-You-Like ... ust-Lonely
and it's triggered me terribly :{ because i am very lonely and i rely all my happiness and selfworth into her...and this page also says stuff like "would you miss anything in particular if she wasn't around or if it's just her company you might be lonely" but how do i miss anything other than company if company is how couples be together and love? :{ my mind is now making me doubt if i'd miss her at all :{ can someone please tell me if it's possible to need someone as well as love them? to be lonely and love them too, even if they give us selfworth...:{

1. my choosing for this person at the beginning was because i wanted attention, but does it really mean i can't love and adore who she is also? ;[ or have grown to? ;[
2. i love being in her company, i feel so happy!
3. i don't have any of my own space ever since i met her i constantly talk to her, so does this mean if i went without her i'd not "love" her anymore, is she really just to fill this void? :{ i can't stand this!
4. my expectations are also too high
5. i sometimes get bothered by stuff she wants to watch with me so does that count as not wanting to do things with her and wish i was doing something else? :{

please someone, anyone? i know she is to fill this void and i don't wanna be alone and that's why i have this fear of abandonment in the first place, but does it mean i really don't love her? i'm gonna be sick....that's why i can't give her love, that's why i don't put her first...that's why i'm selfish :{

people say when you love someone there is no doubts, my doubts are so bad that it's almost like i know it's not love ;[ my anxiety is horrible

I'm not sure how much OCD is playing into your situation more than it might be a good deal of doubt and confusion based on (perhaps) low self-esteem, a bit of depression and anxiety. Have you thought about getting a going over it with a therapist?

I know it may seem like OCD, and I'm not saying it isn't happening absolutely but having lots of doubts, second guessing things and even a certain amount of fear based on certain thoughts that may or may not be real isn't always OCD.

I am also going to move this to the relationship forum. It will be seen in both forums.

Otter.

so are you saying my fear is true then and im using ocd as excuses when really its just not love? :[ but it can't be :[

I'm not saying if it's love or not love. I was speaking to the OCD. It may be love, but it's clouded by your own doubt and anxiety. But doubt and anxiety, depression and feelings of self worth are not necessarily OCD.

when you write in your OP

because i am very lonely and i rely all my happiness and selfworth into her.

or

i know she is to fill this void and i don't wanna be alone and that's why i have this fear of abandonment in the first place, but does it mean i really don't love her?

These are not generally issues associated with OCD. I had both OCD and issues with self worth (self esteem) when I was younger. They were two different problems to work out.

Otter.

okay well im sorry if i got it wrong...i just assumed it would be the relationship ocd because it say something about "over relying on relationships for feelings of self worth" in relationship ocd sites. but if the doubts are obsessions and cause uncertainty it still isn't a form of pure o? i guess it's very confusing then...

You don't have to be sorry, that's why this forum is here - to give you some feedback on how you are feeling.

I think a more detailed understanding of how you think and what is happening with yourself would be needed before one could say if any component or variation of OCD is happening. The non-OCD things you mentioned would also have to be given attention. The anxiety could be fueled by self esteem issues and if you address it, the anxiety could lessen. I don't think answers can be found in figuring out the relationship with your partner, but more about the relationship with yourself.

That is where the key was for me.

Otter.

I've been in (and honestly still am) in your situation. I do believe that someone can have problems and still love. But you're never going to hear about those situations, you're going to hear about the ones that don't end so well.

The only true way to know for certain is for you to gain independence (which was terrifying for me for a long time). Just try taking some time to yourself when she's gone. You can miss her, but don't dwell on it. Find some hobbies you enjoy alone and do them. Learn to be happy with yourself. It's easier said than done, I know. But I also think you would benefit from learning to forgive yourself. You're only acting by what you know right now. Whether it's right or wrong, you're mind is telling you that something is for the best. As you become more self aware, what you need to do will change.

I know that might seem like a lot, and that it's really scary, but do you think you could do it?

i'm too scared to do it....it feels so real inside of my head, the fear that if i get some independence, it won't be love, i'm scared of that happening, it feels so real already :[

rikimi004 wrote:...people say when you love someone there is no doubts, my doubts are so bad that it's almost like i know it's not love ;[ my anxiety is horrible

I wanted to comment on this. I think it's interesting how many of us grow up believing just what you wrote, that if it is 'love' there should be "no doubts" (I'm guilty of believing this too by the way).

I think that's a cultural thing though, and not every culture is bombarded with fictional love (i.e., movies, books, TV shows, etc.) so not everyone expects love to be 'perfect' and entirely stress free. It's interesting too that much of our discontent in life isn't necessarily because anything is really wrong with us, our lives, or our relationships, but that we spend so much time focused thinking about what others have (or seem to have), thinking our lives/relationships should be better than they are.

You got to wonder how many people who go into a relationship with absolutely no doubts end up disappointed in the reality that none of us is perfect, and just as our partners will eventually fail to live up to fantasy ideals, so will we.

For whatever it is worth though this forum is full of stories from people who are at a point in their lives where they have mixed feelings about relationships. On the one hand wanting a relationship, while on the other feeling not ready. I think that's normal enough too though to have some doubts, but I also think it's really about a matter of degree. Some doubt is okay, maybe even a good thing that we go into a relationship our eyes open, have realistic expectations. Extreme doubt though could be an indicator that it is not a good match, or that we are not ready ourselves.

In the later case, that's exactly the kind of thing a therapist can help us with. It's ironic how much money we are willing to spend on clothes, cars, things; or gym memberships, going out to meet people, etc., while we are often dis-inclined to spend that money on the one thing that might really make all the difference, our emotional and mental readiness for a relationship.

You seem to have a very good understanding of your own ambivalence. That's admirable

i understand what you are saying =] and i do think the extreme doubts is because i'm not ready with not enough security in myself. but i'm very scared to work on finding security and to make those steps because i'm worrying if i do, what if i don't love her and everything changes? i don't want that to happen :[