6 years later, how do I date with this baggage?

Hi random strangers on some website.

Excluding a long-distance relationship that mostly consisted in writing love letters, I've only had one "real" relationship. We were engaged to be married. She had serious problems with mental health and drugs, but I thought I would be the one who would succeed where everyone else had failed in sticking with her until she got through it. I feel so stupid writing this.

I never hit her back, which only provoked her more and more. It doesn't matter anyway because it was infinitely worse emotionally than physically.

Eventually, I finally broke up with her and took out a restraining order. She ended up committing suicide, leaving a note accusing me of manslaughter by criminal negligence.

I was traumatized by the whole thing, but my life still improved significantly after this. But I haven't looked at a woman since then. It's been six years now, I'm 30 and lonely and for the first time starting to feel like I'm ready to get back out there.

I was recently on my first real date, it went really well and we got along fine. I'm seeing her again this weekend.

So here's my problem... When, and how, do I tell her about my history? I don't want to hide it, nor could I even if I wanted to - it must be painfully obvious to her that there's something. For my age I have very little dating experience, and I don't know what I'm doing. I can't even sort out which of my problems are from my traumatic ex, which are from being celibate for so long, and which are neither.

I have a paralyzing fear of advancing with this new girl, or rather a paralyzing insecurity because I want to, but I feel like I actually don't know how. Not the expression, I mean I literally do not know. Outside of romancing I have great social skills and have no problem talking to strangers or making friends in any environment, but now that it's more intimate than that, it's like I'm trying to learn how to ride a bike and I don't even know which end is in front or how to get up on it.

I also feel as if none of this is necessarily a problem, as long as I can just explain it all to her, like if she knew why I might be overly shy and nervous in the beginning then I'd be confident enough for it to work out. But how do I explain something like that without scaring her away? And when do I drop this bomb? I feel like the sooner I bring it up, the more intimidating it will sound... but the longer I wait, the more off-putting my unexplained hesitant behavior will seem.

What do I do?

hi qwertous - I am copying this to the Relationship forum. It will appear in both places.

I'm am sorry for the tragedy that occurred in your life and to this young woman, it is very sad.

I think you should tell the person you are dating when an acceptable time has passed to make you both feel there is solid trust in the relationship. Of course you have to decide when you think this time has come to pass.

Up until that time maybe you can write out what you would like to tell her. Read what you have written each day and amend it if need be. When the time comes you will have thought it through on a realistic and direct way, rather than just worrying.

Otter.

Wow, what you went through is awful. I'm so sorry to hear that. Wait until it feels like there is a good amount of trust before you tell her. And remember that what happened isn't your fault. I understand how scary dating must be, but there are plenty of shy people out there. Just go and do what you think is right, things will sort themselves out.
It's ok to be hesitant, understand your situation and just do your best.

Also, writing it down is a really good strategy. I hope all goes well for you.

what you have experienced was caused by the goodness of your heart,

you tried to help while others never got close enough to care,

for some reason, which you may never know she was damaged beyond repair,.. it was not you, you just became the fixation of her anger because you dared to try and get close..

I understand that, as do the many other survivors on this site.. however there is a huge wonderful part of humanity that has never personally seen the darker side

if your new friend is the one, she will understand, ... but leave it until she is comfortable that she really understands and knows you.. this takes years

my wife found out about my abuse several years after our marriage and birth of the first son, we had known each other for over 7 years.

enjoy your new relationship, but you don't need to share your survivor storey just yet