stupid porn

well i have had a talk with him about everything..

i guess im dreaming if i wanted someone who understood why i hate porn so much. I mean he says he understands but he wont stop. so he doesnt understand.

i think i just have to accept that he is doing it because if there was a guy that wasnt then, that would be abnormal i guess.

i still think he is doing all that other crap but i have to trust him even though i dont. its always been hard for me to trust people. most of the time i think that guys say things just because they think that is wat we want to hear, they dont actually mean it.

i mean this kind of thing makes me not want to be with anyone, and not want to have sex anymore, because i have grown to hate it so much.\

but i also have a paranoir and anxiety problem so that doesnt help anything.

its not only that that makes me want to leave him though. its the fact that he hasnt had a stable job for our entire relationship, so i have been basically been paying for him to stay here and paying for him to eat and use the damn net. i did live with him for a couple of years but i have been at school thats wat i want to do i get help from the government moeny wise, cause i also have a disablility. i moved out back with my parents in july. and every cent i get from the government goes to him. and i spoke to him about it and apprantly this time its different he is looking for work blah blah blah. but every time i ask him he gets angry cause im acting like a mother apparantly. but of course i am allowed to ask him if he has been looking if he keeps asking me for money all the time, right? i mean i dont ask him everyday i just do a few times.

am i just a fool? i am just being used and abbused arent i? my closest friend, who is the only one i talk to about this stuff, thinks that i am emotionally dying. that if i stay in this relationship that i will become so emotionally damaged that ill be dead. is she right?

you know i say to myself that i will leave him but i just cant. i know that i love him and i always tell myself things are going to get better, but i seem to be on this neverending rollercoaster.

Men are more visual, and do seem to be able to split off the part of themselves that is sexual vs. the relationship part.

I used to like porn a lot, but no longer. I have a life that I like enough and is involving enough to keep me occupied in other ways. What does he find there? It may have nothing to do with you.

I do have some very close relationships on-line with 3 different women with abused backgrounds. We share a lot, talk a lot, but, I cannot imagine sexualizing things. It's just not right, certainly not with that group.

There are a lot of reasons he could be out there. You have to sift your own feelings to decide what way to go. Wish I could be more help.

W

ok so i think he has stopped doing all of that porn stuff.

i have moved back in with him. we had a talk wen i was going to break up with him and kinda sorted things out.

i am back at his place because i thought to myself that i was going to see what it was like if i liked it .. kinda a push to see if the love was real. and that he would actually get his life back on track.

ill give it a month... then see what happens

Xiolen,

I'm going to go against what seems to be "the flow" here.

I agree with chickdee, and what she said seems to be what's happened; all you are going to get here are other people's opinions and beliefs, but no one can tell you what's right for you.

As I read through the posts, I was all about the porn issue, until your last post....but I'll save that for the end.

I think the main point I want to make is that you are entitled to feel the way you feel about your bf's use of porn. While most everyone here said they are okay with porn, on some level, and that you might want to consider being more tolerant about it.

There are lots of women who feel the way that you do. I consider it a personal value, not right or wrong, but certainly yours. While we do change our values through life, it's evident that you feel pretty strongly about this. You and your bf clearly have different values, which is issue number one. Issue number two is that he is not being honest with you about something that is important to you. To put it bluntly, he is unable or unwilling to give up this habit for someone he loves. And this is when he should be wanting to do things to earn your trust and make you happy....or at least avoid making you unhappy.

Could be he's addicted to porn - you might want to read up on that to understand why he does it and what you can expect as far as 'recovery' goes.

Some have suggested that porn can enhance your relationship. It doesn't seem like is use of porn has anything but a negative effect on your relationship.

The last thing I want to say is about your last post. Honey, this guy seems to be using you...in a big way. Did I understand correctly that you were giving him all your disability pay so he could live alone and pursue his interest in porn, unhampered by your disapproval? I think the porn is the least of the reasons you should think twice about this relationship. He's taking advantage of you, and doesn't even have the good grace to respect your feelings; he's so sure you're going to stay with him, he doesn't even try to quit. This is not going in a good direction.

While your reaction to porn and your feelings of jealousy may be evidence of poor self esteem, the way he's using you is the clincher.
I'd say that working on your self esteem should not be considered as a way to accept his behavior and accept the porn....I think it will go a long way towards finding a guy who treats you better.

I'm sorry if I came on too strong. It's true, no one can tell you what to do, and it probably seemed like I was trying to do that. But without even knowing you, I get angry about you being treated this way.

Please keep us posted on how you're doing.

i am tolarant of porn but going online with someone else and having cyber sex is cheating.

ive left him anyway. we had a fight and he ended up getting violoent so thats the end of that.

and ure right joyless thankyou for you opinion. there were alot of problems with the relartionship and yes he was taking all of my disabilty pension.

Xioloen,

I'm happy to hear that you are moving forward! We have enough to deal with, without some guy dragging us down!

Oh, I've had my share of standing by guys who just weren't worth it...and I can only say that loooong after the fact. I think on some level I don't have a clear idea of what I should be able to expect in a relationship.....as if I'll always expect too much, so I lower my expectations.

How are you doing now? Have you found another living situation...and is that working okay?

Good to hear from you....

thanx so much joyless.

its been about two weeks now and im living bak with my parents. its hard to say how i am now. sometimes im happy and other times im really down. its hard to move on because i have been through so much with this guy. its really hard to let go.

but i know that it is for the best. i need time to sort myself out and do the things that i want to do in my life without the bad things weighing me down.

im not going to be with anyone for a while, i dont really want to be. im just going to focusing on me for a while.

Just my opinion,

When I found out my long term BF was cyber sexing, it was kind of the final stroke. It wasn't the sex so much as the lie, he was telling us both he loved us. In pretty much the same words, a few hours apart. When I confronted him with it, he told me it was my fault. Of course, he also told me that it was my fault he was tossing down MY pain pills, which actually made me laugh. Yeah, right. Oh, he also said it was OK because she was dying, and would be dead before a year is out. ????? I am disabled, he do like the sick ones.

For me, it's cheating. If it is sexual or romantic in behavior, and YOU don't know about it, and they are making sure they hide from you...until they use it to hurt you...it's cheating.

Listen to what they say, watch what they do. I was with him so long I forgot to do that. What they DO is real. Talking, for them, is easy. Tell her what she wants to hear, why not? He's not going to have to follow through with it. And damn, these people know JUST what to tell us. Just when to bring in the single rose, the romantic card. It's easy for them because for them IT ISN'T REAL.

I'm with you. Up and down, but will be glad when he is totally out of my life. Wish I could have left, Im stuck with the mess and no where to go.

but i know that it is for the best. i need time to sort myself out and do the things that i want to do in my life without the bad things weighing me down.

I stayed with a cheater before, and it just got worse and worse, because I stayed, he figured he could get away with it.

Now I'm wondering how often my ex cheated on me, and with any real women? Because of the whole AIDS thing...I totally thought I was beyond that.

You know that Happy Bunny sticker? It's all about me, deal with it. He's my mascot for awhile.

Just my opinions. But I think you did the right thing. Scary, difficult but right for yourself. Good for you.

its weird cause now its been about a month since i have been with him and i feel so much better.
im alot healthier and happier.

he has been telling me he was going to kill himslef, he already did try when we broke up and i left my pills there i ake seroqual 700mg per day and he ended up taking a whole box of it and that worked out to be 9000mg.

that was a few weeks ago and the other day he was saying he was going to try again and that it was all my fault that he was going to haunt me when he was dead and hopefully come back and kill me or torment me. then he was saying he was dying and bleeding and stuff and i had a damn panic attack, my mum called the cops and they went and broke the door down ended up he was just really pissed. they took him to a crises centre and apparantly now he is locked up in a psych ward.

it was so bad wat he was saying to me it was just awful.

i had been with him for nearly three years and it was really hard leaving him because i wanted to go back to him for a bit but now, im so much better without him. i look back now and am so happy that i have finally ended it. there are so many more nicer people out there that i hadnt thought that was true.