Straight Guy with Female Friends

I'm a straight guy, early 20's in college. I decided not to date girls or have sex until college is over for personal reasons. Everything is going good, I'm happy and I have amazing friends. But recently I've been making a lot of female friends somehow. It's strange because I used to be shy around girls in high school. But since I made the decision to postpone romance until after I'm finished school, it's easier to talk to women. And maybe they befriend me because I don't flirt in sexual way? Either way I just feel like women make better friends than guys.

I guess the problem I have can be summed up with the quote "You're the average of the 5 people you hang out with most." Since these 5 people are all women I think it had an effect on how I act. Some people said I'm effeminate and once a girl asked if I was gay (but we were drunk at a Halloween party and I dressed up as a girl with makeup). That's another thing. I like girls a lot but sometimes it gets to the point I let my best friend put makeup on me too. To be honest it was a lot of fun, but hopefully not going to do it again cause it felt weird.

When it comes down to it I want to date and have sex with girls. I don't want to end up sending the wrong impression to people. I respect my female friendships, a lot so even though some of them are attractive I'd rather not start anything with them. Since my core social support network are girls, it would be a disaster if I broke my friendship over some feelings. It would be nice to have long-term female "friends" but also be able to date women later.

There's so much conflicting info on the internet though. Like some people say it's impossible to be "just friends" with a girl or girls don't like guys who have too many female friends or whatever. At this point in my life I get/receive a lot of respect from women. I guess it's a good thing. I used to be a jerk before college, but I've learned a lot from my female friends and how to treat people better. It lead to some good things. But when it comes to attracting a girl to have a relationship, I'm completely clueless since it's just so easy to make friends. I'm afraid I'll end up not being able to have relationships due to the habits I'm developing.

I don't know how much people can help me out, but it's been bothering me a lot lately. I wonder if I should just talk with one of my female friends about this, but it just feels weird to talk about sex life with them. I can't really talk to my guy friends about this because I'm sort of different than regular guys. I could talk to a counselor too, but I dunno let's see what the internet has to say.

You should have stayed a jerk, women are attracted to jerks because they are manly, but now you've been feminized by these women and thus women are beginning to think you are a homosexual. I think there's some reason you are avoiding having male friends. You are obviously trying to attract female attention by being "sensitive", well that's just not necessary, be a rugged man and you will get plenty of female attention. You've allowed yourself to become brainwashed into not knowing what women really like, they like manly bad boys not sensitive wimps who wear their makeup and clothes.

First, quit using MTV and Girl Coe/Guy Code as a valid source of wisdom. Watching those myself my impression's oh, that's why this generation's so screwed up.

You sound like the perfect sorta guy to me. Focusing on academics and not on socializing is the way to go when studying's putting you into lifelong debt... As to wearing makeup or dressing up like a girl on Halloween, none but those adamantly confident of their masculinity and orientation would do that so instead of viewing it as a negative, or suspect thing, tell people it's just an indication you're enough a man you can play around with not being one.

When guys/girls stop actively flirting it sends out the message they're either unavailable or not interested in the slightest and paradoxically has the effect of increasing attention. It's the Catholic priest or gay man phenomenae. Girls flock to both because they're perceived as non-threatening. Flattering though it is to be flrited with, when it's the only thing it can get old quickly. So people who liek you like one sex especially as friends will seek out those they don't feel are gonna be flirtatious with them in every interaction.

I'd say if you try talking about sex stuff with girlfriends it's only to throw fuel on the 'is he gay' fire though. My first thought if a guy friend's talking to me about sex with girls but I never see him flirting with or dating a girl, my first thought will be he's using the word "girl" as a beard for "guy." That's just me though. I'm the naturally dubious sort.

In your case, I saw keep doing what you're oding and don't worry about it. If anyone questions your sexuality simply tell them I"m paying tens of thousands of dollars to be here studying, I just thought it'd make better sense to focus on the schoolwork than trying to find a lover.

I ended up talking to my best friend about it and she said to not worry about it. She respects me for doing this kind of stuff (fun for her ) and being honest. Guess I overreacted, but I did have to get it out.

It's interesting the 2 responses I got were male and female opinions. Yeah the general impression I get from girls is since I rarely/never flirt, they like to be around me cause there's no stress. It seems like they deal with enough of that on a daily basis and most of the guys don't impress them. Depends on the girl though, everybody is different which makes things so complicated.

I'm actually not trying to attract any attention from people (except employers, haha). Or maybe I subconsciously do desire attention from the opposite sex. The point is it's not my intention to have sex with girls right now or even go on dates. School and work is a ridiculous time sink. When I decide on something, I pretty much sign a blood pact, so far it's worked for me. Right now I just want to build a solid network/ support group for my adult life and most of the decent people happen to be women.

The stereotype of girls being attracted to the douchebag guy is something I never understood though. Especially the guys who treat women like $#%^. I mean nobody wants to be around a mean or negative person, so why do they even bother with these guys? I just have a feeling those kinds of guys are manipulative and parasitic. I've never been a manipulative person, but before college I was pretty negative and self-centered. Back then I attracted attention from the wrong people. And I also destroyed connections with really good people. It's a lesson I learned the hard way. So now I try to be positive and besides a couple of people I need to disassociate, all my friends are amazing people. It's actually thanks to my female friends I was able to change and one friendship lead to another.

So I dunno if being a sensitive dude has "brainwashed" me. I think it was a good experience cause I feel more empathetic and respect towards women. What I've concluded at this point is that women are initially attracted to the macho sterotypical manly guy, pretty much the way society has brainwashed girls to go for. But what they really want is a man who doesn't treat them like $#%^. They want a supportive dude who listens to them, can get stuff done and is interesting enough to be around. Clearly this doesn't work out most of the time which is why the divorce rate is so higt.

I guess my problem now is getting my manliness back while maintaining this respect I have for women. But it's probably better to listen to my friend and just be myself, who gives a $#%^ what other people think anyways. Feeling more confident now. Thanks for the replies!

I don't get the attraction to badboy/girl types either. But for myself it's much more important to be honest than put up a false front just to be popular, as my sig suggests Plus too, if you're a dick to people you may come to regret it down the road. And regret's horrible to have to live with. I feel terrible if I hurt someone's feelings even if I did it deliberately. I fancy myself a good moral person so doing things ya don't associate with that type really bother me. So for myself at least, I'd rather be good than popular, if in order to be popular I have to be less good.

Heya,
I can relate, growing up, I always related more to females and had a trust thing with guys (My dad was never around and step-dad abused me). So especially in Highschool and college, my best friends were always female. There is nothing wrong with it, though if you have a trust thing with guys you should try to get past that. Be careful though, and if they are truly friends, keep them that way. I had a bad summer, and blew through all my friends because deep down I was in love with one of them. I got with her and she dumped me to get back with her ex-boyfriend. I was depressed and ended up sleeping with another two. IN the end, I lost the whole group of friends. It is best to stay only friends. If you have feelings for any of them, and they are friends as well, don't risk it.
Your in college, have fun, explore life, and don't let anyone tell you how you should or should not be, especially the INTERNET! Worring about what other people think of you is the surest way to do the wrong thing that you'll regret.

seekingclarity2day wrote:Heya,
I can relate, growing up, I always related more to females and had a trust thing with guys (My dad was never around and step-dad abused me). So especially in Highschool and college, my best friends were always female. There is nothing wrong with it, though if you have a trust thing with guys you should try to get past that. Be careful though, and if they are truly friends, keep them that way. I had a bad summer, and blew through all my friends because deep down I was in love with one of them. I got with her and she dumped me to get back with her ex-boyfriend. I was depressed and ended up sleeping with another two. IN the end, I lost the whole group of friends. It is best to stay only friends. If you have feelings for any of them, and they are friends as well, don't risk it.
Your in college, have fun, explore life, and don't let anyone tell you how you should or should not be, especially the INTERNET! Worring about what other people think of you is the surest way to do the wrong thing that you'll regret.

See, that's the other big problem, it makes you look phony when you create these friendships with females who you really have the hots for, macho alpha males don't act like that, they are up front about what they want, they don't have to scheme and plot for the "right time" to turn a female friend into a lover. And don't blame the entire male gender for how your stepfather treated you, that kind of thinking is just as flawed as people who meet one bad Black person and become a racist against all Black people, a whole gender didn't abuse you, your stepfather did.

KevinG31 wrote:
See, that's the other big problem, it makes you look phony when you create these friendships with females who you really have the hots for, macho alpha males don't act like that, they are up front about what they want, they don't have to scheme and plot for the "right time" to turn a female friend into a lover. And don't blame the entire male gender for how your stepfather treated you, that kind of thinking is just as flawed as people who meet one bad Black person and become a racist against all Black people, a whole gender didn't abuse you, your stepfather did.

First off, your making huge assumptions on a lot of different levels. Unless you know what your talking about, don't go around making accusations. I didn't get the "hots" for her until after we were friends. What ended up happening was a mistake, and one I have owned and apologized for to all parties involved. I also advised NOT to do it. I was offering advice and wisdow for a mistake that I made when I was signficantly younger. I had female friends with no alternative motives, one of who I ended up falling in love with. Thus the danger of having female friends. You just need to decide if losing those friends is worth losing the friendships. In hindsight, I say it wasn't worth it, even if it could have worked out, knowing what I had to lose if it didn't.

As for the male gender, I don't "blame" the entire male gender. When you go through abuse you develop certain defense mechanisms sub-conciously. It was only through counseling that I could see my lack of male friends, and the lack of letting them into my inner-circle was caused by what I went through as a child. As an older, wiser person (still going through counseling), I am working on it. That is why I now have a male counselor. It is not an easy thing to open up in that way. I am sure you are perfect and have no issues, so you can judge from on high and case the first stone, right?

Hey seekingclarity2day I had similar experiences as you! It happened to me, once I fell in love with a girl I was initially friends with. It was the most horrible feeling ever. Somehow I managed to distance myself from her, used school as an excuse. Got over it, but it was tough. Even though we're not as close friends anymore, at least it didn't ruin any friendships. In fact it's probably this experience which let me be more careful with my other friendships so they don't take the same route. I think it's important to draw the line and really be honest with yourself if you want the relationship to be about friendship or something else.

I don't understand why some people assume it's always about the sex between guys and girls. Like I said, I learned a lot of things from just being friends with girls, it was worth the time even though there was no sex. There's so many girls out there, a few female friends aren't a big loss. I think the concept of turning a friend into a lover is messed up which is why I try not to do things with these friends that will develop these feelings. I try to think more from the other persons point of view. If something would seem ###$ up to them, I don't act on it. It's hard sometimes, especially when they dress a certain way but it's a small price to pay.

Pretty much the best way to learn this stuff is from experiencing it first hand and screwing up so bad, learn from your mistakes, don't repeat them again. Hopefully things will work out for everybody.