I subconsciously push him away, how to stop?

Hi everyone I have a feeling that this post will be long but I really need help.
I don’t know what exactly is wrong with me but definitely I have a big problem which is hidden somewhere in my subconscious mind. Atm I am unable to go to a psychiatrist. I have spoken a few times before to counsellors but it never helped much. I have read some self-developing books which helped a bit and I started taking Vitamin B6 which was supposed to help me but so far I think it doesn’t.
My problem:
I have a great boyfriend, who loves me just the way I always wished to be loved. I trust him and I’m very happy with him. He makes me so strong and treats me so good. However I have a problem mentally. Even though generally I am very happy there are times when I get extremely down and ‘hysteric’. It seems that in those moments I have no control over my actions and I hurt my boyfriend so much mentally. A few weeks ago I felt so good, I felt like I finally solved the problem we were so happy together, truly ‘perfect’ however than we were going to a friend of his (I believe she has feelings for him but I trust him) and as always he was late and I waited for him at the door for about 15 minutes and I was so angry because he is so disorganized sometimes. When we got into the car I started screaming at him because of this. I shouted like crazy. He told me that I’m not going with him and I’ll stay at home (I really overreacted he had the right to say that) and I said that I’m not going home I left the car and run away. Then I decided I don’t want to hurt him so we found each other and I got back to the car. I started crying again and behaving weird and he said he will take me home and I said ‘no’ and wanted to leave the car when we were driving. Finally he went home and I stayed in the car for 1 hour crying and not believing what happened and why and how. Then we went together to the ‘party’
After this ‘incident’ I worked on my problems so hard, I worked on myself and every time I felt like I was getting closer than other outbreaks happened but not so big. Sometimes I overreact so BAD! I think it might be because of hormones but even if it is, it is too STRONG! I can hardly stop crying at times even when everything is fine and I know that. For some times he helped me and kept me well when I felt bad but then it started happening more until yesterday.
Yesterday I was sitting happily at home thinking I’m such a lucky girl and I love my boyfriend so much. He was out shopping and when he came back I kissed him. This day few hours ago he told me that friends of ours are making house party after which they want to go to club. I said I probably will not go to the club because I need rest and study the day after. When he came back he told me that the club is one which is very great and we wanted to go there together for some time.
I felt pissed that our friends decided this on the day and not earlier because I was not ready to go. When I go to club etc I like to know at least a week earlier. I was so sad because I couldn’t tell my bf not to go if I don’t and I didn’t want him to enjoy without me. I can’t enjoy much when my bf is not with me, and he can and I understand that but I think my subconscious mind can’t and it’s hurt so much by it. This evening I cried again and I didn’t stop myself I saw my boyfriend so hurt I felt like I don’t deserve to touch him or be next to him. However he is supportive of me but I need to change or I’ll lose him.
I feel like on the beginning of our relationship I treated him better, I let him be more free. I wasn’t subconsciously afraid.
I feel like I push him so much that every time he wants to do something alone I catch that part of him and destroy it. Make him ‘closed’ and soon he will be so crushed that he will leave me and I’ll remain alone and broken. I have to let him grow, I have to let him be alone and ‘free’. I need to let him breathe and I was able to do it before but now it seems hard.
I can’t be strong, control my emotions and keep calm
I need to ‘reprogram’ my subconscious mind somehow to ‘let go’ of the fear etc. and I need your help to show me how please.

poprostula -

As I'm sure you already know, we can make guesses, but the only person who really knows what is triggering you to push him away is you. It may be helpful to write a bit more about what you think/feel when you push. What did you feel the moments before you do it? What were you hoping his reaction would be? What was his reaction, and how did you feel about yourself after?

p.s. This is the perfect type of question to explore with a therapist too.

First of all I wanted to thank you for your reply as I know my post is vevry long and many people are not intrested to read it.
Thankfully I had more time to myself today and was able to think about the questions you asked me.
I realised that everytime this bad 'outbreaks' happen it is when my subconcious thinks 'I love him more then he loves me' which is not true but due to my past experiences no matter how much I trust him my subconscious is affraid. Also it happens when I can't be with him, the thought of not being with him is horrible to me. I'll give you some examples...
1. I'm at the wedding of my cousin and my bf can't be there, I miss him so much and when I realise he is dealing better without me that I without him I start feeling incredible pain.
2. The first story I said in the first post. I tried to jump out the car because I didn't want him to go alone to the small party. I wanted to enjoy with him. The time I start feeling like we won't be together I feel crazy.
3. Also mentioned in the fisrt post: He might go to club without me (to club we were planning to go together), my subconscious thinks that if he can go there without me then he doesnt need me to have fun and I am not his happinnes and he doesn't need me. Completly stupid I know.
4. I post him a song on facebook and he takes his time before listening to it after which he doesn't understand and he doesn't care so much. Not in a bad way, he was still loving and carying but he is deffinetly opposite to materialist. PLus he is not so much into music. This time I don't tell him anything bad but I just cry and calmly explain to him why I'm sad. However it is still overreacting.

My subconscious has complete controll over me and no matter how much I try to change how it feels I can't. But I keep trying, I try to be mature.
I remmember one scene whan I was 5 years old and my dad was saying 'goodbye' to me. My parents divorced although they didn't tell me, they just said 'dad is leaving for a bit longer than usual now' I cried like crazy and missed my dad so much. Maybe somewhere inside I'm still this 5 year old that is scared to be left behind by my bf like I was by my dad. Just for additional info: I have great relationship with both my parents and wouldn't want them to be together.

I hope this helps and thanks again

poprostula -

You really do have good insights into what you are feeling, but yes, sometimes that's not enough to change our reactions.

Have you considered talking with a therapist? I realize that can be expensive, but one way in which a therapist can help is to work on changing how we react to what we are feeling. What is not necessarily obvious is that when we change how we react, it also has the effect of changing how we feel.

At the current moment a therapist is not an option. I keep moving countries. In January I'll be settles in one for a longer time so I can get a psychiatrist but will have to wait for that for a little bit.
Currently I am also jobless and I have no money at all.
It is for this reason that I am looking for help here.

I have looked into the 'subconcious mind' and discovered that I ahve very little control over it. I have researched how to change it and I'm working on that today. Next week I'll be away form m boyfriend for 1 month, I'll take this time for mysefl, relax, let him relax and keep working on my problems.
If anyone here has any more advices please let me know.

Thx xdude