why? i dont deserve this...

I have little or no sense of what I am. Since I was 15 I had depression. For this reason I isolated myself a lot. In my early 20s I had severe anorexia and body image problems. Everyone tells me o am very beautiful ans at that time thin. I don't and didn't see it then. I am now 25. Last year I finally got the guts to study audio engineering as I have recorded a few albums and throughout my illness have written hundreds of songs. It was hard to reintegrate with people after all that time. Within a day of being at uni two guys hit on me. At the time I was flattered but uninterested. One of them becam my boyfriend of two years and my first love. I rejected him a lot at a first, primarily because he was only 19 and also because I had a dysfunctional relationship with another guy of my own age. He had never called me his girlfriend, but had used me for sex for nearly two years. My self esteem was so low from eating disorder and depression that I had gone with it hoping at some point he would make our relationship official. P ( code name for boyfrie nd) treated me as a friend and with the utmost respect. One night we went to a party and I ended up sleeping with him. It. was the first time I had ever got with a guy thinking it wouldn't lead anywhere. But he was insistent about making things more serious. As previously stated, I was reluctant to be involved with him due to the age gap, but in the following months, due to his kindness and perseverance, I fell for him and got away from the other demeaning ans destructive relationship. He made me feel loved and beautiful for the following year, meeting my whole family and me meeting his, spending almost every second day in each others company. It was a veury intense relationship. After about  6 months things began to go wrong. I noticed that in my company he never asked how I was or what I was doing as I did for him, would zone out during conversations, and was unreliable. He contacted me less ans less, leaving it to me and rarely showed up on time . He was even more unreliable when I was in hospital to change my medication for depression. I assumed that was because my mental health probs might have freaked him out.. even though I was upfront about the whole thing. I began to notice more ans more things other bfs did which he didn't do, such as take me out, initiate outings, buy me anything, or celebrate anniversaries. I pretty much aLways paid for meals out, gave him as many cigarettes as he wanted and paid entry fees to support him at his gigs, where he generally ignores me. He never seemed interested in my morals, values or interests. A few tomes I waS distressed due to anxiety in social situations, where he left me late at night, crying in dangerous places. I never ever refused him sex and encouraged physical closeness. I waS constantly aware of his needs and keeping us happy and occupied when we were together. He never planned anything for me, however. So when i was in hospital and particularly fragile I waS much more aware of all this stuff and confronted him about it. I felt used and taken for granted. 

The next few months of these riffs led to our break up. Due to my prior history of depression, anorexia and abusive relationships I tried to kill myself shortly after he dumped me. I knew in my heart what others had told me - that I waS particularly attractive looking and generous and intelligent. I couldn't believe these things when he dumped me. Regardless of what  I saw in the mirror I felt compellingly ugly, worthless and used up. I could not imagine that it was his problem, rather, there was something inherantly wrong with me. What me want to die was not the grief, but the rejection. I felt I had given all I had and that was still not enough. Furthermore, that it would be seemingly impossible to find someone who was mutually respectful due to my mental health, depression, which I might add, wasn't a consistent part of my personality. He has know idea that I did what I did. I havtte called him a few times since the break up and he is completely adament about not wanting a relationship. He says he wants to be alone and he gets more done when im not around. It is very hard for me not to look at myself and wonder what the hell is wrong with me. I feel like I couldn't have done more and if that not enough nothing is. I look young for my age and maybe im not womanly enough, that's all I can think of. I want to feel angry with him instead of myself but I cant for some reason. If I really am beautiful, inside and out, why the hell has he rejected me like this? Is it truly possible that he is a problem himself? I have lost all perspective. I can barely move from bed. I have lost five kilos. I sob most of the day. I have never been this broken in my life. I thought I waS going to die when I tried to kill myself laast week. I wish I had. I just can't bare the thought of being valueless after everything I gave.

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trolleygoround -

Sorry to hear you are going through this tough time. If you are not doing so, please consider getting some help in the short term for the depression you are going through now, at least a therapist, and if that isn't helping, a doctor too. It will feel better in time, but it sounds like you need help getting past the depression now.

You sound like you have a lot to offer someone in a relationship, but something to think about - It really does take two people to love, and many of us have tried to be loved by doing things for others (including being very giving), thinking if we give more we will be loved, only to find ourselves in an imbalanced relationship with someone who takes far more then they give back.

Sometimes relationships don't work out, but sometimes they can't work out. What I mean is we can get involved with someone who is not capable or ready for a mutual relationship, and no matter that we give it our all, no matter how charming they may seem at first, it won't matter. Finding another person who is also capable and ready for a mutual relationship is not easy. A relationship has to be 'mutual' too, if one person is giving far more then the other, eventually even givers burn out.

Part of your problem seems to be basing your entire sense of self and worth based on one abusive user jerk. You need to realize that not everyone's the same, so wondering what's wrong with you because one guy was a jerk to you doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. For every jerk in the world there is (I like to think) thousands of non-jerks. You just need to oput yourself out there in the world to find the guys who aren't going to take advantage of, and use you for their pleasure until you're used up then throw you aside like he did. Once you start meeting the decent guys you're sense of worth will improve as you realize you are a catch, and you just got caught up with one of the ones you shoulda thrown back and kept on fishing

And pelase don't hurt yourself. Recording artists who actually write their own stuff are few and far between. Artists are worth ten thousand corporate drones.