Work Relationship - Strange Situation

For the past three years, I have worked with my current girlfriend, who I live with. In fact, we met at work. We started as equals in the workplace, and eventually I was brought into the same department she was working in, about two years ago. We lived and worked alongside each other for nearly the past two years as equals, then recently she got a promotion to lead the team.

I suffer from lots of generalized anxiety, and am waiting for my cardiologist's approval to be medicated - I have a benign heart arrhythmia that is made much worse by anxiety, as you can imagine. I'm the type who is always envisioning the worst-case scenario in negative situations.

Now that all the background info is out of the way...about a month ago, I was told that our former boss was moving on to a new position. My girlfriend, while equal to the rest of the team, was always sort of a back-up to our supervisor. In my mind, my girl was a shoe-in to be the new supervisor...and I was right. I spent most of the month worrying and anxious and envisioning the worst case scenario - which would be her becoming the new leader of the team, and letting my anxiety run my life. Usually I do this with every potentially threatening situation, but the worst-case scenario doesn't play out. This time, it did.

I am being transferred to another team, but will still do work for the old team. Regardless, I made sure that I would not work directly for her and that I'd leave the team if it came down to it. I was granted the transfer, but am still too close for comfort. I will still be doing work that will benefit her and her team.

I'm a somewhat egotistical 26 year old male. I do not like her being of a higher ranking in the company, and I am not happy at all that I was left either with the choice to leave the team, or have her be my boss. I am not mad at her for applying for the promotion and trying to better herself, but I am very upset with the whole situation. I feel threatened, small and insignificant now when comparing myself to her. And I'm not a person with confidence issues...just the anxiety.

I do not like the fact that she now has people reporting to her - my former teammates at that. It bothers me that my girlfriend, of the same age and same general experience level, is running a department and is a boss to anyone. It bothers me to hear about (and sometimes see) her meetings, her increased responsibility, and other people reporting to her for questions and help. I have tried repeatedly to be happy for her but I can't override my anxieties and this turns it into a real struggle to act civil to her at home. My anxiety is through the roof, I can't sleep, and it triggers my heart arrhythmia which affects my everyday life. It seems I'm trapped and there's no way out.

Sorry for the drawn out explanation...just had to throw everything in there. Again, I have many negative feelings and thoughts about the situation. The connotation "boss" makes me cringe to begin with, and it kills me that she's a "boss" to people now. I spent the entire two years of our relationship negatively anticipating this, and now as of 5 days ago, it has happened, and seems so cruelly surreal I can't even really explain it. Any advice???

nayr9720 -

Despite all social changes in the society I grew up in, it remains the reality that our sense of male/female roles hasn't changed that much. Our egos as men, despite any of our apparent strength, can still be threatened.

It does sound like your arrhythmia is making it worse though. I'd say kind of like a metronome (lacking any better example), it's a physical reminder that may be feeding back into your anxious thoughts, so you become more anxious, repeat over and over. In the short-term yes it's good to hear you are seeing a doctor to deal with that. Once that's taken care of hopefully you'll have a better sense if the situation is still causing you persistent anxiety.

xdude,

You're right about the male and female roles and how there is equal opportunity for either. I'm so young that it shouldn't bother me like this, but it does. I lost a lot of sleep last night over the fact that my girlfriend is now a higher up and how much it bothers me. I can consciously tell myself it's not a big deal, and to be happy for her, but there's something in my unconscious mind that is really keeping me from being at peace over this. I have suffered from anxiety for going on 20 years now, and have never had something that caused me to feel the way I do now.

And since it is regarding my job, which puts my food on the table and pays any medical bills, etc, it's something I simply cannot escape. Feels like a huge, crushing weight over my shoulders.

I will say that it looks 95% likely that I will be offered my own promotion because I took prompt action and applied to a job they are looking to fill. I did this basically to cover my butt in this situation and give myself a chance to not feel that crippling inferiority. It will also get me away from my girlfriend at work, which is absolutely critical to our relationship. But it looks like they're having issues giving me a quick start date because my current position at work has to be backfilled first. So I have this promotion seemingly waiting for me, but it could take weeks. And in the meantime, and until I know exactly when I'm going to start the new position (and get away from my girlfriend, as it'll be on a different shift), I believe the anxiety is going to have dangerous potency.

nayr9720 -

The matter of male/female roles remains a difficult social one, so at least you know you are not alone in that you can intellectually know it shouldn't bother you, but emotionally it does. It's not a problem that we can solve here, but you certainly aren't the first or last man who'd have similar feelings if he was actually in that situation (we might think it wouldn't bother us, but until we are in that position we don't know how we'd really feel).

For whatever it is worth it is still very common for females to feel something is wrong in their relationships if they are making more money, or if their guy doesn't have a job and stays home. Despite it all, our media still bombards us with movies, books, etc., that tell us that men should be the primary bread winners. We guys are affected by these messages too.