It just keeps getting worse...

I don't get it. When she doesnt drink she's an angel. Sweet, kind giving... maybe that's the waif in her coming out. When she drinks she is the DEVIL. She says insanely cruel things, tries to instigate fights, screams, occasionally gets physical with a push here or there. Not long ago she threw a block of cheese at my head.

I broke up with her. She moved in with another man almost immediately.

Things have been crazy strange since. She's told mutual friends that they must pick her or me... but then she's called me wanting to return items she could have left on my porch. Of course she wanted to see me. Either to find out if I was still an available backup plan or to lord how great her new life is without me.

Things got nuts last night. I was out with some friends and one of them sat me down. Apparently his gf said that my ex had told her that I HIT HER. I have never done any such thing. I sure as hell restrained her a couple times. Maybe even a little roughly. I felt horrible about it and apologized but she had pushed me sooooo close to the edge.

BUT I NEVER HIT HER!

No one believes her since she's not known for being stable and she's pissed a lot of people off with her drunken demonic behavior over the years.

She will never get better. I'm finally beginning to see this. The Devil in her lives off drama. It's all she has. She idolized me and devalued me... it's so fricking textbook. She will do it to her new guy. It's only a matter of time. In speaking with her friend this morning she said something that I had already written down in my analysis... "She's going to end up just like her mom. Penniless and alone."

I know I should feel good I'm no longer a prop in her play... but I don't. I feel empty. I feel like I wasted four years on a someone who isn't even a real person. A 5 year old stuck in a 43 year old's body.

I sent her one final text calling her out on it and have blocked her completely now. God. I gave her everything I had to give... and she's a walking rabid dog with wounds that will never heal... ever. Makes me so sad.

You did the right thing. Congrats, and cheer up. You will definitely find someone better.

Johnny -

While I'm not religious, things have a way of working themselves out. Justice works itself out too, in time, but she wasn't good for you. Let go brother. Others will support you but you do have to let go of her first. She has her life path, but I promise you, if you let go of her, open yourself up to new experiences, someone will see you and care about you. That can't happen until you let go of this poison you are holding on to. Understand it hurts, but let it go... with that, a whole new world will open up to you.

Best wishes,

X

Thanks dude. I needed to hear that. Started crying at my desk at work after I read your post. I think I'm finally ready. I've obsessed enough. I've analyzed enough. I can finally admit it's over. God it hurts. Feels like someone I just died.

Seeing my therapist on Thursday. I don't want to talk about her anymore. I'm just going to focus on improving myself and resolving trauma from years back.

Thanks again

Johnny,

Good to hear you have a therapist to talk with though to bad you have to wait until Thursday.

As another male, the kind of toxic relationship you are describing can be particularly hard on us guys for another reason. There is often a presumption that when a relationship fails it must be the guys fault. The side of her that you get to see is something she may well hide from others, and even if others know she is abusive toward you, there can be a presumption that you must have deserved it. Friends may be inclined to take her side, further isolating you.

It hurts us even more that as a female she can so quickly/easily find another guy to support her, while as men, it would take us time to find another woman. Maybe too you are the kind of guy that just can't do that until you've resolved your feelings for this woman. Maybe she has damaged your self-esteem to the point where you are not even sure anymore of your own value. More isolation.

Hopefully it helps a bit to know that others have been in your situation and get how painful it is, but you are doing the right thing. Talking about it with your therapist and others who have been through a similar experience helps a lot!