He won't talk to me...don't know what to do anymore :(

I have this guy in my life who is a typical avoider...avoids any tense conversations at all costs. However, he has said to me that he'll always be there for me to talk when I need him but then when I reach out he ignores me. I've tried everything to get him to communicate with me and my anxiety is just going crazy at the moment because I just want a ******* answer from the guy!

We were doing the seeing each other casually thing, but he said he really cared about me. But for the past few weeks there's always seemed to be a reason why he couldn't see me. A couple of weeks ago we made plans to meet up and then he cancelled the day before saying he had to work. He apologised and said it would have to be the following weekend. I said I didn't know if I could do the following weekend but that I'd see how it goes. I was really upset by the cancellation and the following week I didn't hear a word from him. On the Sunday I contacted him and he asked how I'd been and I told him I'd been really down and he was really supportive and told me he thinks I'm lovely and wonderful.

A couple of days ago I was having a hard time not knowing what was going on with us as he wasn't initiating contact with me or giving me any signs he was interested in seeing me again. I tried to ask him what had happened and he just stopped responding...the next day he messaged me saying sorry that he fell asleep which just didn't seem true to me. I suggested we talk in person or on the phone as whenever I try to open up through text I end up feeling ignored and he said we could talk but that he was at work and he's sorry I feel that way. I told him I just needed to know what he wants to do and let me know a time he's free to talk if that's what he decides. I said I need to take care of my needs and he either respects that and wants me around or he doesn't. I told him to let me know when he was ready, but that was over 24 hours ago. Now the panic has set in again and I have no clue as to what to do. I've reached out and he's just avoiding me...I've tried to move on from him but it's unfinished business and I don't understand why he's doing this to me.

Any suggestions of what I should do??? I just don't know how to get him to talk to me...

Hi deethebee.

It is really hard when a relationship fails or is falling apart and there is no closure, but question. You wrote -

deethebee wrote:I have this guy in my life who is a typical avoider...avoids any tense conversations at all costs. However, he has said to me that he'll always be there for me to talk when I need him but then when I reach out he ignores me. I've tried everything to get him to communicate with me and my anxiety is just going crazy at the moment because I just want a ******* answer from the guy!
...

Possibly this his personality in general. If so, and you did get to talk with him, what are the odds that he has an avoidant personality style that is unlikely to change, and likely to be an on-going issue if you continue this relationship?

Always sounds great, free love/casual sex/friends with benefits. Unfortunately, everything in our society is geared around monogamy and sexual competition (finding your One means denying them to everyone else.) So when people get involved with supposedly no-strings, their emotional brains are following what they've been conditioned to follow even if their conscious minds are saying this is just friendly sex. Even the people into overt polyamory suffer jealously and possessiveness, so what chance have "amateurs" got?

My thinking here is your beau is more ok with the no-strings side of things than you are. Your emotional needs aren't being met in this kind of relationship since for you you need a lover to talk with as well as enjoy sex with. He's avoiding you because for him you're just a sex partner and any emotional involvement is out of place. I suggest therefore, you find a more traditional type of relationship with someone who goes into it with that understood. Instead of beginning as FWB, you begin as a more traditional bf-gf where all the communicative stuff you need is going to be met.

"Never fault a child for being childish." - Me.

As above, the problem is simply your lover is a f-buddy, not a lover.

Thanks for the insight guys...

xdude - I think yes this probably is his personality type and it does drive me crazy. He's told me that he hates conflict and doesn't like having to "resolve" things, but you can't go through life avoiding conflict otherwise you'll just end up pushing everyone who cares away. I mean, good luck to him finding a relationship that is perfect where conflict never arises but I don't think he's going to have too much luck with that. I can only imagine the reason for his previous relationship working out for so long is that he was with a woman who was also avoidant but that didn't work out in the end either! And you're right about there not being much hope for the future, but I guess I blame myself for trying to ask about serious issues through text and not being able to find another way that will work with him. If I had the confidence I'd just pick up the phone and have a discussion with him or ask him to meet up but I'm constantly thinking about how it's always me who has to suggest meeting up and worried about being rejected. But once it's happened and he knows I want to talk about something I seem to hit a brick wall and I can't get anywhere. And then when I say something like, "Ok fine you don't want to talk. I'll leave you alone" he comes back with some excuse as to why he's not been in touch and I'm just tired of it. He tries to make me look like I'm overreacting and it feels crap.

HesDeltanCaptain - I think you're right to an extent. I mean, we did start out really into each other but we agreed it wasn't going to work as a relationship and decided to give the casual thing a go. So the feelings were already there and I think it's the same for him, but as you say, maybe not to the extent of mine. I wanted to keep feelings out of it but he's the one who started getting all, "I'm here for you whenever you need me" and I expect people to say what they mean. And I suppose I find his behaviour confusing because what he says doesn't match what he does. He behaves as though we're just friends who occaisonally see each other and sleep together, but he says things like how wonderful he thinks I am and how he wants to take me out to dinner etc etc. It's a mindf*** if I'm honest because I was the one who wanted to keep it casual!! And really all I want is to have a discussion about expectations in this situation. We don't live near each other so it's an instance where things have to be planned in advance and we can't just call each other up last minute and say "Come over" but it's not going how I'd hoped and I feel like in these situations honesty and openness is important if you don't want to mess it up. But I guess he's incapable of discussing anything that's important to me and what's going on in his life is always going to be more important than me no matter what he says.

Many women get involved in relationships with men to whom they are attracted, but whose personalities are really ill-suited for "romance." The women are thinking, "He's interested in me enough for sex, so he will probably change as time goes on, from Mr. Booty Call to Mr. Wonderful." This is unrealistic, and almost guaranteed to result in disappointment. One solution to this problem is to stop focusing your attention on twenty-something boys and start focusing on grown men. A thirty-year-old man (or older, even) is much more likely to be mature enough to care about your emotional needs and less about his own penis. The odd thing about this is that young women often feel offended if they are approached by an older guy--the very person more likely to wind up being the sort of lover they wish the boys would be. I suppose, if you are willing to put up with ten years of selfishness and wear and tear on your self esteem, Mr. Booty Call may eventually grow up. Or you could just date a 35-year-old to start with.

dee -

You sound like a really great woman. There are some men out there who want a committed relationship. They might not be the peacock, the one who stands out, but they could care about you. When you are ready, seek out that type of guy.

Best wishes,

X

BrotherHobo wrote:Many women get involved in relationships with men to whom they are attracted, but whose personalities are really ill-suited for "romance." The women are thinking, "He's interested in me enough for sex, so he will probably change as time goes on, from Mr. Booty Call to Mr. Wonderful." This is unrealistic, and almost guaranteed to result in disappointment. One solution to this problem is to stop focusing your attention on twenty-something boys and start focusing on grown men. A thirty-year-old man (or older, even) is much more likely to be mature enough to care about your emotional needs and less about his own penis. The odd thing about this is that young women often feel offended if they are approached by an older guy--the very person more likely to wind up being the sort of lover they wish the boys would be. I suppose, if you are willing to put up with ten years of selfishness and wear and tear on your self esteem, Mr. Booty Call may eventually grow up. Or you could just date a 35-year-old to start with.

Very good post!

BrotherHobo - the guy in question is not 20-something and neither am I. I'm 30 and he's 43...how's that for a shocker?! As you suggest, I'd have thought a guy of his age would be mature enough to deal with these kind of situations in a mature manner but it just goes to show that some men never grow up. Who knows why, but perhaps he has his own issues and reasons why he won't change and obviously I'm not the girl to change him.

xdude - I think the guy does want a committed relationship, he's said as much, he just doesn't think it would work out with me and is happy enough for me to be his "mean time" girl. I guess he doesn't get a lot of action and is probably sensitive about his age and how it gets more difficult to meet people the older you are. Maybe he was in the mindset that we'd see how things go with this casual thing, but he's obviously not willing to put the effort into meeting my needs so he's not the guy for me. I am ready to find the right guy, I'm just in a crappy place in my life where getting into a full blown relationship would just complicate things more.

". . .some men never grow up . . ." Unfortunately, this is absolutely the case, and it's true of women as well. In my experience, the more someone (of either sex) is involved with drugs and alcohol, the greater the likelihood that he or she will have the personality of a self-centered teenager. You haven't said that Mr. Booty Call is a big drinker or a druggie, but it would sure be true to type.

Most substance abusers begin using in their teen years. It delays emotional maturity. The earlier they start, the more likely they will develop dependence, and the more likely they will remain self-centered and narcissistic. A red flag for any woman considering becoming involved with a man ought to be whether or not he uses drugs and alcohol, and how he treats his mother, his sisters and waitresses in restaurants. If he is demanding and critical of waitresses, I would take a pass.
If he is rude or demanding with his mother or sisters, or even talks bad about them in private, I would take a pass. He may not call his sister a bitch to her face, but if he says that in front of you, it tells you a lot about his personality. His "public face" may be kind and pleasant, but you aren't going to be living with his public face. You are going to be living with his real personality.