Is there any hope for a relationship?

So the situation is I'm in love with my ex.

I've told him, and he's non-committal about where we stand. His previous relationship ended badly (he cheated, and fell in love with a very good friend of his, but then didn't end the relationship partly because his girlfriend was moving transatlantic to be with him when this all happened. The friend he was cheating with has moved on and is now engaged). He says that he likes me, and would like to be with me, but he isn't sure he loves me and he doesn't want to try again unless he's sure.

I am rape survivor, and have had trust issues ever since. I really do trust him, and I love him, which is the first time I've told a boyfriend that (since high school, which does not count). I could see having a life with him. We are both post-docs (slight problem for careers because tons of international mobility, but hard to get jobs in same town often), and are on similar pages about kids and what we want out of life.

We get along so well, it's difficult to describe, we can have dinner together, and watch a movie or go out with friends, and have a wonderful evening, or spend an afternoon together just talking and laughing. The sex is great. We talk every day over facebook, and if I don't message him, he'll message me (contact is not one-sided).

He does have some self-esteem issues, he does not consider himself attractive (I find him extremely physically attractive), and he thinks I'm smarter than he is (he may actually be right on this, I'm really intelligent, but he's so much more focused and probably outperforms me because of it). We would have gorgeous, intelligent children though

Early in our relationship I found him too...supportive, I don't know what word to use. I am an extremely independent person, and I was going through a rough time (new job got yanked out from under me, and I had to put my 2 year old dog down due to health problems), so it was great that he was there, but I also found it made me uncomfortable to need someone. I tried talking about my concerns with him at the time, but he just thought he was doing what any boyfriend would do (and he probably was). We moved on from this point, he lets me make dinner sometimes now (he enjoys cooking, so usually he cooks).

But we got in a fight, and broke up. It was my fault, and really stupid, and he said he didn't want to argue about it (religion), but I just wouldn't let it go. I can be extremely hardline about my dislike of religion, and the horrible things it has done to humanity. He's an atheist, but has more of a respect for religion. It was stupid, I knew at the time it was stupid. Anyway, we didn't speak for a week after that and he broke up with me the next time we met up. We've been friends ever since, and still get along wonderfully, we've even had some more regulated and tempered discussions about religion since then.

I would like to work things out, I think we really could make it work, and have everything. He cares about me tremendously, he says he does, and he shows it; he just doesn't know about 'love'. I think he needs to address some of his underlying fears about love (his last relationship, his parents are divorced and I think that has left him very gun-shy) before he will fall in love with anyone, but that there is no reason he couldn't love me. I'm trying to get him to talk about his past issues (I've talked with extensively about my past trauma), I think if he opens up and feels like I know who he is and still love choose to love him that he could feel more confident and open to giving and receiving love.

I could also be totally wrong.

I don't have much experience with romantic relationships, and I just want to know if it sounds like a workable situation, or if I'm just not seeing the reality because of my emotions.

Hey Louisiana,

It sounds like you're in a total conundrum here which is understandable.

You really dig this guy, obviously.

A couple things raised red flags for me here:

1) His history of infidelity. They say, "one a cheater, always a cheater..." Why do you think he'll stop?

2) It seems like you're trying really hard to make something work which should really just fall into place a lot more naturally, shouldn't it? I mean, if two folks have compatibility and a harmonious interaction, that is one thing, but you sound like you've had a lot of stop/start episodes together.

I was thinking you might want to go on a vacation, get away from where you're at, as far as physical location goes. I don't think you should go anywhere with him, but I think you might really benefit from getting out of your headspace, going somewhere, somewhere you've never been, y'know what I mean? I mean, I went somewhere recently that no one goes to, but the off-season motel rate was less than $20/day! And, I did some great hiking around the place, essentially, it gave me a great break and refreshed me. When we're embroiled in our lives, we never really get to step outside of it, and see what we're really doing, or figure out better ways to live our lives.

Just an idea, my friend.

And, really, at the kernel of all my thoughts here, is this: to go somewhere as a "retreat" so to speak. To be somewhere where you can just be. Just be and not think about all this. I think deep down we know the answers ourselves, we know the trajectory we must go on. All we really need to do is not think about our problems. After time, after silence, after stillness, after allowing our true feelings to surface, I think the answer just pops up and we are so much clearer after allowing ourselves to disentangle from our busy (and often confusing, if we're not careful) lives.

Blessings and best of luck, my friend, Jerril .

Hello again, Louisiana.

Just wanted to mention that, after my post, I thought perhaps if I mentioned the word "intuition" what I wrote would make more sense to you.

Basically, I think intuition is an underused part of ourselves, in our industrial societies, which we don't pay enough attention to. Intuition doesn't need information to come to understanding. It is not a rational occurance within ourselves. It's not like a lightbulb goes off and we say "Oh, gee... BECAUSE x plus y equals z, therefore I have all the answers."

It's more like something we find which can guide us like a "sixth sense." It's like when we get a feeling that something is wrong or right so we steer ourselves in a direction. We don't know why we do it, but it feels right on some level. It's not like a sensory feeling, like when we get a pinprick and go "ouchie" or when we feel sad or whatnot, it's more like a deep knowing, a calling to take action, or not take action with certain things.

Please do post and let me know how things are working out. I hope others respond to your post as well.