Is there any fixing this???

Hi, I am a 26 year old male who comes from a family of 2 older sisters, an older brother and a younger brother. I was sexually abused by my two older sisters for a good portion of my early childhood. My earliest memories of being alive are of being abused. Sometimes I wish I were never born. I didn't ask to be this way. My whole life I have felt like I am worthless, something that society can't accept.

I have repressed this terrible secret my whole life. I never felt like I could tell anyone about it. As such, I have a very hard time being close with anyone. As much as I've tried to repress it down it will keep coming back. A feeling that I am all alone in this world. It seems like the closer I get to a person the more I want to open up to them about it. I have actually tried to let a few people know. It was just never received well.

So to cope with the pain of feeling rejected from the world, I've developed an addiction. I never really realized it was a problem until recently. I became addicted to pornography in my early teen years. At that time I didn't fully realize it was a problem. I thought I was just learning about the birds and the bees like any other normal teen. But in reality it was more than that. As time went on it was less and less about the sexual frustration and curiousity, and more and more about escaping reality. I just didn't want to feel the pain anymore. I just wanted to feel good for a few moments. It was like gettin high or buzzed.

My problem with pornography has been so bad that it has interfered with studying when I was in college, my job, and worst of all my relationships. I feel absolutely terrible about it. What troubles me the most is that after the short high wears off, I feel a tremendous amount of guilt and greif. I have looked at it, even though I know how wrong it is. I just keep going back for that escape. I do not like to think I am weak, but this just tells me that I am.

When I really try to put the problem in perspective I've concluded that when I was young and trying to learn about sexuality, the chemical balance was so far off in my head already that after acheiving orgasm and releasing more chemicals, my way of thinking was altered. I think that had I never been abused, I would have been able to experiment with porn like a lot of kids, find out what I needed to find out, and just move on. I feel cheated out of something. I don't want this addiction. I feel like the addiction chose me.

At any rate, all I feel is shame. I am angry because I feel like I wasn't given a fair shot in this world. I ask myself all the time how can anyone ever love this weak perverted freak. I don't want to feel this way anymore. My girlfriend, who might leave me because she feels very morally strongly against porn, tried to tell me its not my fault. I kind of believe her. But if she leaves me it just reinforces the idea in my head that I am some weak perverted freak.

I just want to be normal. I don't want this addiction. I don't want to continue to hurt myself and the people I love because I haven't been able to overcome the horrible islolation of being a sexually abused man. I just want to know what I have to do to put it behind me forever, not just repress it.

You've got the tool needed in life, and that is a brain.
I can tell you're a smart individual and you'll figure out that the past doesn't have to dictate the future.

-Try counseling, whatever it takes.
You're not alone. People have and do overcome the same situations everyday.