CoDependency?

Hey. First time in this part of the forum.

Recently I moved to a new place, with new studies. I knew noone when I moved here. Now I have come to know a handful of people. And it worries me, because I think I have some kind of Codependency. Especially with some girls. For those who do no know, Codependency is kind of being dependent on someone being dependent on me. I feel a bit sad if I feel noone is dependent on me. Mind you, this is not an extreme thing. At least yet.

This girl I got to know is really sweet and kind to me. We talked a lot. One day I sensed she was sad, on facebook. I immediately went to her place to comfort her. We talked a lot about death, and she cried. After a few hours she felt better. She told me about her boyfriend, among other things. Then when I told her it was time for me to leave, she wanted me to stay over. This may sound like a sexual interest, but actually I felt compelled to stay BECAUSE she had been sad and I wanted her to need me to be there. Long story short I went to sleep with her in her bed.

I thought I would just lay down, think for a while, then wait for sleep to overpower me. I had no intentions of getting closer to her, didn't want to upset her relationship. Suddenly she started holding around me, pushing against me, and breathing in my ear. I was so shocked that it took a minute before I started getting aroused. Then nothing. She turned around and that was it.

Later I can't seem to say no to her. She asks me to do things most would find unreasonable, like wait outside in the cold for her while she goes to university meetings. She also has bad economy because of her own spending. And I can't stop myself from offering to buy her what she needs, even though my economy is almost as bad. I make up cover stories, saying I have money saved up, and tell her not to worry about it.

She has invited me to stay at her BF's apartment while he was working. I can't say no to it even though I know she is going to invite me to sleep over, teasing my passions, even worse, behind her boyfriends back. I just want her to be happy, but I do too much strange things that I feel I should say "no" to, but can't.

Do you think this is a minor Codpendency?

I know how you feel. I have codependency issues and I simply cannot say "no" even when I know the outcome could potentially destroy me.

The easiest way I can explain this is, if the girl you like told you to jump off a cliff, would you do it?

What's your answer? Was it resounding "no"?

If you can decide for yourself to say no to somebody who is asking you to jump to your death, then you can no doubt trust your gut instinct that this girl could potentially push you to your limits without a care for the consequences. It could get dangerous for the both of you and it's crossing the line if she is hoping to tease you behind her boyfriend's back at his own apartment.

That is a HUGE red flag.

For your safety and for the sake of her & her boyfriend's relationship, I would highly recommend that you politely decline the invitation and make up an excuse as to why you cannot go - for example, say that you want to catch up on your studies since you're falling behind.

I understand it's hard but breaking free of the codependency pattern will help free you and you'll later thank yourself for not getting involved in what could be an emotionally dangerous situation for everyone involved.

I was in a relationship with a narcissist who used me and basically drained my bank account dry, I didn't care because I loved her and convinced myself it was OK because she deserved everything I had. When she broke the engagement off with me, insisted we're better off friends, causing me tremendous heart-break, she insisted that I should still move to U.S.A from Australia to live in her apartment with her new girlfriend.

I knew there and then that she was using me, trying to manipulate me for her own selfish gain. I did not give her another second of my time. I told her I wanted nothing to do with her and I cut off all contact with her. You don't have to be this drastic but this is an example of where I realized my codependency issues were destroying my mental health (and my bank account) and making me a passive person who says "yes" to everything even at my own expense to please the person I thought who loved me.

Please do not make the same mistake I have. I hope I haven't upset you by writing this all out.

Thank you for your answer Kurenai. You have helped me, not upset me.

I don't see myself wasting everything on a girl like her. But I want to explore why I feel so guilty if I make choices that go against others wishes. And I want to know why I feel attached to some people. Following their whim.

Of course I would not jump off a cliff if asked to. But I find it hard to negotiate with her, or discuss topics where I find myself thinking of only what I want, because it is hard coded into me that I should take others feelings into consideration before mine.

I find it problematic to say no to going to her place, because I never intend to sleep over or lay close to her. And we are going to be in the same class for a few years. I feel that I let her down if I say no. It hurts me to imagine saying no, then have her hate me or dislike me for that choice. I want to be her friend, but I don't want to get in stupid, tempting and distressing situations all the time. It's a hard balance.

Phew, I was worried I was too harsh.

I think the answer is much closer than you think. Doesn't codependency stem from some sort of deep-seated insecurity? A fear of rejection or abandonment? Fear of being alone? Fear of not being needed?

I understand where you are coming from. I have trouble speaking my mind and expressing my feelings so a lot of the time, heck, I even have trouble expressing myself online - I don't quite get my point across as clear as I'd like to.

Do you have low self-esteem, low-confidence, insecurities surrounding your sense of self-worth, values and opinions? Sometimes the answers to your questions can be right under your nose.

I have a feeling she's caught on that you have codependency towards her. If she knows you'll race to her house to comfort her, wait in the cold while she is in meetings, buy whatever she likes and to top it off, she has made a physical advance on you to seal the deal. Not only has she made sure you have an emotional pull towards her, she's made sure your body will follow suit as well.

You say you never intend to sleep over or lay close to her, yet what will you do when she begs you to stay over when you leave for the night? It'll be a repeat of the first scenario over again. (If I've misread your sentence, I apologize in advance). You won't know for sure if she'll get angry or claim to hate you, but like I said earlier, if my suspicions are right, if she knows you are codependent on her and you try to pull away, it's not a reach to assume she will use anger as a way to suck you right back in.

If anything, why not ask her some questions to open up? Is there a reason she would like you to come over her boyfriend's apartment when he isn't home? When does her boyfriend get off work? The last thing you need is her boyfriend coming home and jumping to conclusions about everything.

Are you seeing a therapist in regards to your codependency? I've been codependent/passive my entire life so breaking out of the habit on my own is never easy (the situation with my ex was a feat, even for someone like me). Sometimes, you've got to be selfish in order to save yourself from further harm.

Kurenai wrote:Phew, I was worried I was too harsh.

I think the answer is much closer than you think. Doesn't codependency stem from some sort of deep-seated insecurity? A fear of rejection or abandonment? Fear of being alone? Fear of not being needed?

Yeah this sums it up. All of it. Mostly I fear being useless in the sense that noone is dependent on me, you know? I want to be helpful, and helping others kind of fills a void.

And hell yes my self esteem is low. Comes from other troubles. I know my self esteem should be higher based on what I do and who I am, but it just isn't yet. It probably has impact on the COdependency.

You really think she is using me like that? I thought about it, but it seemed so far fetched to me. Perhaps I'm too naive. I tried to ask her why she wanted me over to her BF's appartment while he was gone, she said she was a bit lonely, and needed help with a university task.

I don't know if I can just pull away from her. I would feel really bad. But I don't know if that is a product of my codependency or a normal way of thinking. I'm too confused.

I'm not seeing a therapist. I don't trust any of them. Had some legal troubles that made me non trusting towards anyone keeping a journal of what I say. (It was used against me last time). Have you tried talking to a therapist?

The weird thing is, I never have any problems with saying no to for example children (I worked a lot in kindergartens). Only adults in general, and some pushier individuals in particular.

zoegapresso wrote:Yeah this sums it up. All of it. Mostly I fear being useless in the sense that noone is dependent on me, you know? I want to be helpful, and helping others kind of fills a void.

And hell yes my self esteem is low. Comes from other troubles. I know my self esteem should be higher based on what I do and who I am, but it just isn't yet. It probably has impact on the COdependency.

I'm not surprised. You say that helping others "kind of" fills a void. Does this mean the void is not always filled?

zoegapresso wrote:You really think she is using me like that? I thought about it, but it seemed so far fetched to me. Perhaps I'm too naive. I tried to ask her why she wanted me over to her BF's appartment while he was gone, she said she was a bit lonely, and needed help with a university task.

It may be because I've recently gotten out of an abusive relationship with a narcissist that I'm highly tuned into any signs of abuse - I personally feel emotional abuse tends to be downplayed a lot as "normal" behavior and in instances such as one is co-dependent on the abusive partner, the co-dependent victim will continue to convince themselves that their partner (or in your case, your friend) is not being abusive in any way because they can't possibly be that way - after all, you have helped them and they have helped you in return, they couldn't possibly hurt you like that... could they?

Okay, let's delve into your friend's possible motives behind her reasons for you staying over.

1. "I'm a bit lonely." She knows you have recently moved to a new place and only just adjusting to life there. This is a smart manipulative tactic on her end because it's likely you've been lonely yourself so you would be able to sympathize with her, more-so than others.

2. "I need help with a university task." A favor but it is merely a cover. She most likely knows how to do the university task herself since she has worked at college just fine before you came along, yes? She is playing sexual role of, "Oh, I'm so lonely, please come over and help me with my 'university task'." at least, that's what it looks like to me!

From where I'm sitting, it's pretty obvious: she wants to get into your pants. If the first night you stayed over is any indication, she is trying to persuade you over with her vulnerability and seduce you into bed with her.

Do you know if she is having issues with her boyfriend? If possible, try to get her to open up, obviously something is bothering her regarding the relationship - it could be doubt, resentment, arguments or maybe she's just plain bored and wants to use you to cause some drama in her life and her relationship.

Either way, she is using you instead of confronting her feelings. She is using your co-dependency and gullible nature for her own justifications - whatever they are. I may be completely wrong and she may in fact be a nice girl but what you have told me about her already raises a lot of red flags.

If she gets angry and flies into a rage at the slightest question about her relationship with her boyfriend - bingo, you'll know straight away I'm right.

zoegapresso wrote:I don't know if I can just pull away from her. I would feel really bad. But I don't know if that is a product of my codependency or a normal way of thinking. I'm too confused.

If you don't know if you can pull away from her because you would feel guilty - I believe that is a trait of your codependency. You want to avoid feeling guilt so as a result, you won't pull away from her, even if the situation is distressing to you. That basically spells out co-dependency to me.

zoegapresso wrote:I'm not seeing a therapist. I don't trust any of them. Had some legal troubles that made me non trusting towards anyone keeping a journal of what I say. (It was used against me last time). Have you tried talking to a therapist?

That's understandable. The only reason a therapist would break the patient-confidentiality is if you become a threat to yourself or others - such as feeling homicidal or suicidal. Is that what happened or it was something else entirely? If that's too personal to ask, please ignore the question.

I understand not trusting therapists. I have the same issues, I never really *fully* open up to them, even my psychiatrist. This was because I believed my deeper thought processes, my deep-seated insecurities were a normal natural part of who I am so I never bothered to express them in words. So I haven't had the chance to talk to anyone about my co-dependency yet.

zoegapresso wrote:The weird thing is, I never have any problems with saying no to for example children (I worked a lot in kindergartens). Only adults in general, and some pushier individuals in particular.

That's quite normal. Children aren't on the same level as you or adults, so it's quite easy to say no to them. People who are more closer to your age or perhaps older, codependency occurs because you are both on the similar line of respect and boundaries and people your age are easier to connect to, I guess?

My ex-partner was very very pushy since it was in her nature to get what she wanted no matter the consequences so honestly? It's not very surprising to hear that it's harder to say no to pushier individuals. All they have to do is keep nagging you and pushing you until you finally give in.

I can see you already got great advice from another guy but if I may interject from a girl's perspective:

Remember: Men need to be needed and women want to be wanted.

So I do not think it is co-dependency but rather just you being a normal guy. Men need to feel like the knight in shining armor and women (no matter what we say to the contrary) do not want someone like Romeo who would lay down his life for us - we want someone like Neo (from The Matrix) who would give up the whole world of people and Zion just on the off chance that we can be rescued from a falling building.

You are normal and caring guy but you should not let women use that amazing caring attitude of yours. Just remind yourself: A girl in a relationship (or married) is off limits (No matter what her circumstances). Your siblings' friends are off limits (No matter how adorable they are it won't end well). Your friends' exes are also off limits (No matter what happened between your friend and that girl friendship is more important than any girl)

Thexena wrote:I can see you already got great advice from another guy but if I may interject from a girl's perspective:

Remember: Men need to be needed and women want to be wanted.

So I do not think it is co-dependency but rather just you being a normal guy. Men need to feel like the knight in shining armor and women (no matter what we say to the contrary) do not want someone like Romeo who would lay down his life for us - we want someone like Neo (from The Matrix) who would give up the whole world of people and Zion just on the off chance that we can be rescued from a falling building.

You are normal and caring guy but you should not let women use that amazing caring attitude of yours. Just remind yourself: A girl in a relationship (or married) is off limits (No matter what her circumstances). Your siblings' friends are off limits (No matter how adorable they are it won't end well). Your friends' exes are also off limits (No matter what happened between your friend and that girl friendship is more important than any girl)

So you are saying that it is normative to feel that I have an obligation to help, and feel anxiety if I have to say no to totally unreasonable things?

Not entirely but I understand WHY you feel guilty. Do you have a problem saying no to everybody for unreasonable requests or just this girl?

Thexena wrote:Not entirely but I understand WHY you feel guilty. Do you have a problem saying no to everybody for unreasonable requests or just this girl?

It depends on how well I know a person. If I know a person well I may or may not be good at saying no to unreasonable requests. Gender does not really matter, but personality of the other person does. Some of my friends I have no fear of telling "no". But others are much harder.